What happened? Feel so guilty

Questions and discussion about sexual or other abuse or assault, and support and help for survivors.
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C91
newbie
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Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2021 3:57 pm
Age: 29
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What happened? Feel so guilty

Unread post by C91 »

Hi- (I think) I was assaulted a couple months ago and have been a mess ever since…. Mainly I feel like maybe I’m just overreacting and it’s not what I think and I am partly at fault for participating. Here’s what happened ….
I went on a date with a guy and we just went to a park and sat by a pond to talk after a walk- he started kissing me which I was ok with but then he kept going and fingered me. I told him I was uncomfortable doing that in public and he kept going and then pulled his penis out and put my hand on it to give him a handjob… and I didn’t know what to do and just went along with it …I stopped again and said I was uncomfortable doing this out here and he just said it’s fine no one can see us…he then started to push my head down and at first I resisted but he did it again and made me give him oral and ended up ejaculating in my mouth… after all that he acted like nothing happened and walked me to my car… I think I was just in shock and didn’t say a word…..is that assault even if I kind of participated? I feel like maybe I gave him the wrong idea or something…. I feel like I’m overreacting calling it assault but was it? One of my friends said it’s actually rape? I just don’t even know how I let it all happen
Urna
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 65
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 3:36 am
Age: 23
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
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Re: What happened? Feel so guilty

Unread post by Urna »

Hi C91,

Welcome to Scarleteen, and thank you for messaging us about this. First off, I'm so very sorry that you went through what sounds like an extremely distressing situation. Secondly, I want you to know that you are in no way overreacting by calling it assault or even rape. What happened to you happened without your consent, you were forced into it by the guy, even if you didn't "make a scene" and felt like you had to go along with it. The fact that the guy didn't listen to you when you said you were uncomfortable, when you kept stopping, and even when you resisted--he forced you into a number of sexual acts, and that's what makes it rape. I think this article will help you come to terms with what happened to you.

Above all, you have no reason to feel guilty about "letting it happen". Quoting from the article: "No matter what ANYONE tells you, it is never your fault if you have been or are sexually assaulted or abused. All fault lies with the rapist, not the victim. It is that person who chose to do what they did to you; it is that person who is responsible for their actions. No one asks to be raped: no one asks for rape. If and when someone is asking for sex, and what they ask for is what is done, we're not talking about rape, but about mutually wanted sex." You did NOT let it happen.

Does that help, even a little bit? Please let me know, and please take care of yourself. Your friend who said it was rape is absolutely right, and they seem to have validated what happened to you. Do you feel comfortable returning to them for support?
<3333
C91
newbie
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2021 3:57 pm
Age: 29
Preferred pronouns: She/her
Location: Md

Re: What happened? Feel so guilty

Unread post by C91 »

Yea, thank you for validating how I’m feeling… i think it helps to get an “outsiders” perspective instead of someone who I know will always support me… the friend who told me it’s tape is my best friend and she’s been very supportive through all of this but I didn’t know if maybe she just felt obligated to be “on my side”. I wasn’t sure what exactly forced oral sex was considered, if anything really, and I felt like I was overreacting by calling it assault, but I guess it really is rape/sexual assault.

Thank you for your input
Urna
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 65
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 3:36 am
Age: 23
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Location: Delhi

Re: What happened? Feel so guilty

Unread post by Urna »

You're welcome C91, thanks for trusting us with this. I understand your worry that your friend could've just said it was rape to support you, but honestly, the people who love us no matter what are usually the people who can most quickly recognize when we're being harmed, and who are the first to speak up about it, because they care about us. I'm glad that for the outsider's perspective, you approached a feminist sex education website like us, where rape and assault are recognized for what they are.

Here are a couple of other articles that you may find useful in the months ahead, as you start to heal. The one I linked in the previous post is also pretty great if you want support right now. Linking it again for your convenience, in case you hadn't already read it.

Please don't hesitate to continue this conversation if you want to, or to ask us something else. Take care.
<3333
C91
newbie
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2021 3:57 pm
Age: 29
Preferred pronouns: She/her
Location: Md

Re: What happened? Feel so guilty

Unread post by C91 »

Thank you so much I will definitely check out those articles
Urna
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 65
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 3:36 am
Age: 23
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Location: Delhi

Re: What happened? Feel so guilty

Unread post by Urna »

:D great!
<3333
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