I'm proud of myself for the long way haul recovery over the past couple of years. It wasn't easy, but I was determined to find ways to cope through this in time. So much has happened since this. Thankfully, I've not dealt with any flashbacks as I used to a year ago. When flashbacks did come, I reminded myself that my ex wasn't around to hurt me. The thoughts I'm having is the day I remember how clear it was I was being sexually assaulted. I know now, Dalton was sexually coercing me with sex and oral sex when I told him no. Then he started sexually grooming with a specific way to shave my pubic area. I remember the first time I told him no, and he got mad at me and responded back with psychological coercive threats. He was controlling and emotionally abusive. I was numb to the psychological and emotional abuse already. I remember when he made me touch him without my consent, I cried. His eyes were weird... he looked at me and asked in a very weird pleasure way, "Was I sexually abused?" Crying, I said no. He used my vulnerability against me as he exploited his power and control. The oral sex... I blacked out with my coworker and fiance. With my fiance, I felt the same way I did with my coworker as well as Dalton: I was silent and frozen in the moment of it; powerless. The oral sex, I was numb as I was pleasing Dalton. I don't remember if I was crying to myself or silently as I dissociated and depersonalized in that moment. All I remember was the silence and how frozen I was. I felt uncomfortable doing it and I knew deep down, this was not consensual. Which it already wasn't. The fingering wasn't fingering, but he deep fisted me without my consent. I lied to get out as I said I'd to use the bathroom. There was another time he made me touch him without consent. I felt ashamed afterwards and guilty for not fighting back. I know now what happened and I'm grateful for the resources I went through. I've gotten better with coping what my mom and my ex toxic friends said about me choosing this and wanting it. It's the emotional stressors I'm processing through it, and it's a flood of thoughts and tears. It breaks my heart that not matter what I do to cope, this comes back in emotional stressing times.