You're not wasting anyone's time, Belcano, I promise. We're all happy to give you support as you work your way through this, and we know how complex, challenging and rough it can be. We also know how easy it can be to get stuck and that it can take a good deal of time sometimes to get unstuck.
It will get better. In so many ways, abusive people prey on our dependencies, and so once we disconnect from them, we can start disconnecting those dependencies, too. They're kind of the glue that really keeps us attached to those people and those relationships (that and the power and control they've got us in), and the longer you're away, the less sticky that glue usually gets. But it sure can take a while sometimes. I'm sorry for that, I know it's so hard.
You know, my own sense of self has a lot to do with my relationship with others, too, so I understand this kind of struggle. I know that opportunities for this are more limited during the pandemic, but something I figured out early in life that helped me was finding healthy venues for that, like helping others, rather than just intimate relationships. That could look like tutoring, working at a food bank, volunteering on a hotline, helping neighbors...so many things. I wonder if that might be something you'd be into exploring?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead