Hello!
I have been really struggling with my sexual orientation. Ever since middle school I have had crushes on teachers in their 40's/50's. I would repress these feelings, and made myself believe I was asexual because I wasn't sexually interested in anyone my age. Last September I realized that I wasn't asexual, and went to a play party(orgy) and realized I am sexually interested in women who are in their 40s/50s.
I now do not know what to do with this realization.
I have dated 3 people my age, as someone who identified with asexuality. I don't want to date someone my age again knowing that I am not sexually attracted to them and not ever planning on being physically intimate. I would love to try to find love with someone I'm sexually attracted to, but there are some problems with this.
1. I currently have a job as a caregiver to an elderly lady, and if for whatever reason it gets out that I'm looking for a sugar momma, I don't want her or her family to be uncomfortable and me to lose my job. She is like a grandma to me, and I really care about her.
2. If my parents find out I am in a relationship with a sugar momma, I will be disowned. For years I felt at risk of being kicked out for my queer identity and struggles with mental illness, and now especially that I am not a minor a relationship with a sugar momma would be the last straw. A possible solution is that I move out, but there are some issues with that: I have a lot of pets, and I am close with my brother, they are a big part of my support system. If I moved out I would be lonely and heartbroken to be away from them. Also, where I live it is incredibly expensive, and I would have to work a lot more hours. The stress of my situation could put me in a bad mental health space.
Also, it would really suck to be disowned. I really care about my parents, and I want to be able to have a relationship with them. I don't want my parents to think I'm looking for a sugar momma because of "mommy issues", as I've had a difficult relationship with my mom.
3. I'm not sure how I would find a sugar momma other than through the dating app Her, which is a public platform. I don't want to be out as looking for a sugar momma because of reasons 1 and 2.
I'm 19 and have never been in a relationship or had my first kiss. I'm tired of being single. The play party may be an only one time thing because they changed the location to much farther away, so I haven't been intimate with anyone in a long time. I don't know what to do, I want to find love, please give advice.