Hello!
I'm almost 20 years old and I've been identifying as a lesbian for a few years now. I originally thought I was bi, but I haven't had any crushes on guys since I was about 14, and the thought of dating guys generally grosses me out.
However, there is one guy who makes me feel confused. I met him at college and we instantly clicked because we have similar interests. We don't hang out a lot because we're both busy, but he always makes time in his day to chat with me when I'm working, and he's one of the kindest people I've ever met. There's never been any possibility of us hooking up because he knows that I am a lesbian and he's in a serious relationship.
That said, I think I might have a tiny crush on him. I get so nervous and excited every time I see him, and I think about him a lot. Whenever I see him and his girlfriend walking around campus or posting their couple pics, I feel confused because part of me wishes that I could take her place. I can't tell if I'm just lonely and desperate for a relationship with somebody who cares that deeply for me or if I'm starting to fall for this guy.
I don't necessarily thirst over his appearance the way I do with women, but I do find myself admiring his looks. He's very fit and he dresses quite androgynously (think Harry Styles). But then last night, I was lying in my bed masturbating and I suddenly pictured him on top of me, and I liked that feeling. That said, I'm not sure if I would actually enjoy having sex with him in real life (and I'm not going to find out because I don't want to ruin his relationship with his girlfriend). I sometimes can't tell if I'm attracted to him for his masculinity, his femininity, or both. I'm pretty sure I'm not bi, but I sometimes think I would make an exception for him, and I'm not sure what to think of it.
It's just very confusing and I would really appreciate any help you can offer.