I'm in my final year of high school, and up until a few weeks ago I was content with the fact that I'd likely not have a highschool relationship before I graduate. There's this girl in my class who I've always really liked, and used to have "feelings" for until I pushed them out of the way because I was convinced dating wasn't probable.
Over the past two weeks, my friends have told me she really likes me, and wants to date me. We're both religious and coming from homophobic families. When I first heard I was immediately panicked but couldn't stop smiling, and I think that feeling has just grown with time.
This girl is perfect for me. She's so beautiful, and sweet, and funny, and I'm very attracted to her, but for some reason the thought of being with her makes me so anxious all that giddiness goes away. Whenever I contemplate being with her, I know I would latch on and never let go if she were a boy, but I get so nervous about the idea of dating a girl. I'm scared that
1) my deep fear of losing my family is causing me to gaslight myself, which means I would lose out on being with her, and I don't want to do that.
2) Since it's summer soon I have to figure out my feelings and tell her I like her, or tell her that I can't be with her, and that the decision I make would be rushed and disingenuous
3) If I can't let go of my fears I have no right to be in a relationship with her.
4) My feelings for this girl, and for women in general, are just not real. I know I'm attracted to men, but after my parents revealed how homophobic they were, I couldn't bear to properly consider having feelings for a girl.
On top of that, I haven't had a crush in years, and it's different now than it was then. I used to fall very hard very fast, and then be too sick of love and nerves to think about them in under a week. With this girl there's a subtle electric excitement. I want to see her in any room I walk into, I want her to text me, I want to hug her and kiss her and put my head on her chest and cook for her (she loves sweets). But I'm too scared to look up and look for her, to hug her for too long, to be close to her, or to flirt with her. I'm very shy around people I have feelings for, but with her, I truly feel like I can't function.
I'm terrified that if I go through with it, and by graduation it turns out I really can't allow myself to love a woman, that I'll break her heart for no good reason. I don't know. I know if I blow it I'll never have a chance with her again.
Should I stick to pursuing men and find peace with not being with women? I really don't think I could see myself marrying a woman (possibly just my anxiety), and I'm scared of missing out on relating to my straight friends and talking about boys. I love men too, and the fact that this could potentially be a lifelong decision makes my head spin. But does that mean I'm not worthy of dating her and I'm leading her on?
To add on, we're both feminine, and I'm usually attracted to masculine people so I don't know how we would work. Sometimes I find myself wondering if she even really likes me, but I think this is still me gaslighting myself out of the fact that queer romances exist so that I could shield myself from falling into one.
I don't know what to do, and I don't want to be an evil person. She's what I want personified, but my anxiety subdues my excitement 80% of the time.
I'm unsure about everything and I usually have EVERYTHING planned out to a T. What do I do?