Scarleteen

My name is Sam and I’m a 16 year old cis girl. I’ve been questioning my sexuality for a while now but recently I finally decided to read/watch some porn and find out once and for all what gender(s) I’m sexually attracted to. Through this, I discovered that I’m sexually attracted to cisgender men and transgender women with penises.

This would make me bi because it means I’m attracted to more than one gender, right? To clarify, I’m not sexually attracted to people with vaginas (male or female). Does this still make me bi? Or do I have to like women with vaginas as well in order for it to “count” as bi? I feel like bi would be the most accurate identity for me, but I’m not sure if I have the right to truly call myself bi if I’m not sexually attracted to cis girls.

To make things even more confusing, I have no clue what my romantic orientation is (mainly because I’m 16 and I’ve never been in love/in a relationship with someone.) To be honest, I could see myself being in a relationship with someone of any gender, regardless of whether they’re cis or trans. Does this mean I’m biromantic?

Also, does my romantic attraction have to align with my sexual attraction? Like, can I be romantically attracted to someone with a vagina but not sexually attracted to them? I’m just so confused and I really want to know what I should define my sexual orientation as. Can someone help me please?

Hey Anon25 -- I think you're on the right track here for the most part; bisexuality at its core means that one isn't exclusively attracted to one particular gender, which sounds accurate for you. A bisexual person doesn't need to be
attracted to any gender equally or in the same way, and bisexuality doesn't have to divided amongst binary or biological understandings of "men" and "women". If bi feels like the right label for you, go with bi. Sam wrote an advice column earlier this year that might help sort some of these feelings out.

And no, your romantic attraction doesn't need to align with your sexual attraction. I'm a little new to the spectrum of romantic identities, but I bet being biromantic is similar to bisexuality, but with romantic feelings over sexual attraction. I understand the urge to want to define this part of yourself as quickly and concisely as possible, but I want encourage you to think of the "label" as a bit more fluid that may even change over time. You may identify as one way now and change it completely later as you have new experiences and feelings.

Thank you for replying. Your input has helped me understand my sexuality a little better and cleared up the doubts that I had about calling myself bi. I guess I always had this idea that being bi meant you had to be attracted to more than one gender AND both types of genitals. I was also hesitant to entertain the idea of having a genital preference since I know that many cis people use “genital preference” as an excuse to justify their transphobia.

I think I’m gonna try out the “bi” label for now, but I’m not gonna think too hard about it. After all, it’s not easy to have a clear idea of your romantic/sexual identity when you’ve never had any real-life experience with sex and dating (at least, for me it’s not.) To be honest, I would like to experiment a bit when I’m older so that I can figure out exactly what I like and don’t like.

I think that makes a lot of sense!! It sounds like calling yourself bi feels like a good fit for now, and the good thing is that you never have to hold on to a word or label for any part of your identity if it stops working for you. So even if things change in the future, it sounds like this is right for you right now, which is great.