For years, I went back and forth trying to figure out if I was bi. My sexuality still feels very fluid, but 9 out of 10 times I feel most comfortable calling myself bisexual. Well, unless I’m talking to someone else who isn’t bi or has a lot of assumptions about it.
Firstly there was the attraction “scale.” For so long I thought you had to be “equally” attracted to men and women (and I didn’t even include non-binary folks or other gender identities there). I was definitely not like that. I was and still am more sexually attracted to men than women, but I’m still attracted to women, especially in a romantic context. I’ve mostly gotten that assumption out of my head, but when I see it being perpetuated it makes me wonder sometimes, you know?
Secondly, and what I’ve been dealing with mostly, is how I’m “supposed” to experience to various genders, particularly male and female. The other day, for example, I mentioned finding a female celebrity attractive and my brother assumed I found her attractive the same way he did (more sensually/sexually), but I didn’t. But I felt like if I admitted this then maybe I’m really not bi since I don’t experience the same sexual attraction to women that I’ve heard other people attracted to women (mostly straight men) express their attraction. And there’s the fact that I keep going back and forth on my sexuality - some days I wonder if I’m even bi instead of straight, and other times I feel really gay and wonder why I ever questioned that. It’s already confusing but when I hear other people assume what it means to be bi, or just straight up for what it means for ME individually to be bi, I question and doubt my identity.
In hindsight, it doesn’t matter what other people assume about me, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let someone who doesn’t even know what I’m experiencing “tell” me how I feel or should feel, but the doubt’s there sometimes, you know? And even though queer representation is getting better, I notice a distinct lack of bi characters - or if they are bi, it’s portrayed as not being a real thing.
So I guess what I’m asking for other people like me - fellow non- monosexuals (unless there’s a better term for it?), have you experienced this doubt in your sexuality before, and, if so, how do you deal with it?