So, the thing about dominant/submissive vs. top/bottom is that people use them in lots of different ways; often top/bottom is used as a more socially acceptable version of sub/dom. From what I've gathered, top/bottom were originally terms used by gay men to show which side someone would rather be when it comes to penetration; top being the penetrator, bottom being the penetratee. Obviously who's doing the penetration does not always equate to who's being dominant (nor does it even equate to who is physically on top, like with missionary or cowgirl or whatever), but because society pushes us to use innuendos and nonspecifics when talking about sex, miscommunication developed into today's top/bottom.
I think there might be something I didn't communicate well enough in my initial post - specifically, that my disconnect with the social idea of a bottom, is such because I feel like I'm even more submissive than that. It feels to me that being submissive is seen as the "default", that everyone wants to be dominated by some sexy person, but I can't help but feel that that social idea is not accurate to my experience of being submissive. For me, it's mostly about the lack of control, of not having to choose what we do during sex (though I could make suggestions), and... kinda wanting to be a consenting fucktoy. Being passive during sex, essentially. Which is weird because at the same time I want it to be up to my partner, but I also want the focus to be on me. Sexuality is weird and confusing. I mean, I also want to be dominated in the more traditional way, but the lack of control is the primary thing. I just feel like the social idea of a bottom/sub is kind of like... it's not accurate to my experience, and it makes me feel... not seen, I guess. There's also the fact that a huge amount of porn and stuff out there with submissive characters who have vulva (which I also have vulva) feels a lot like it's made more for the pleasure of dominant (straight, cis) men than for other people who are submissive and have vulva. So there's that.
There's also this aspect where like... I worry sometimes if I'm submissive enough. I'll worry about it and then look at my behavior and sexual tastes and think "yeah I'm pretty definitely submissive" but then I'll keep coming back to that worry. I think that that isn't because I feel like "submissive" doesn't apply to me or something, but rather, am I submissive enough that I deserve to be allowed to be submissive during sex? I mean, my self-hatred says that I don't deserve much of anything (except bad stuff), so it could also be that, but... I guess the worry is, am I like, draining the supply of dominant people who could be with other, more submissive people instead? Which sounds totally ridiculous, but hey.
Also, I think something that might be contributing to this is, my boyfriend is like, switch-leaning-submissive, and he's said that he's okay with dominating me to an extent (some of the fantasies I've confided in him about, like consensual-non-consent, may be out of his comfort zone, which is understandable), but he also confides in me some fantasies of me dominating him, and... I feel like I'm letting him down by being repulsed by the very idea. He's never implied anything of the sort, he's very understanding, but I love him and want to make him feel good. But even the idea of "well maybe when I eventually have sex I'll end up being okay with being dominant" is repulsive to me! Also, side note, my "more-than-friend" that I mentioned is pretty definitely dominant; I can't remember if he's explicitly said he's had sex before, but my guess is that he has.
Also I'd like to reiterate something: it's not so much that I'm turned off by the idea of being dominant, but rather that I'm turned off by the idea of being pretty much anything other than submissive. And not just turned off; the idea is deeply uncomfortable. So there's that, too.