Accepting my sexuality

Questions and discussion about your sexuality and how it's a part of who you are as a person.
nicole
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by nicole »

Hey! As for disliking or craving attention at different times, I really think it really depends on your emotions and circumstances in the moment when people ask how you are doing. Carly gave some great advice on how to handle this in a direct manner! I'm glad that the teachers have been respecting your boundaries though. I'm also not sure if parents are contacted if an instructor notices a change in behavior in students who go to school for people over 18. I would assume not, since you are legally considered an adult.

Also, about what you mentioned to us from two posts ago, I know that you did not want to share much, but I want to express again that we are here to listen. It might help us work with you on this situation with your conductor. Also, many people are afraid of approaching authority figures in their lives due to their power and status, so you're definitely not alone there.

I know a couple people who feel the same way as you do about not being cheery or talkative. Sometimes people have different temperaments and that's okay. This does not mean that you were not born to or didn't learn to be a functional part of society at all. Many teachers have the responsibility to check up on their students if they perceive them as sad, it's often just part of their job! Also, at this point your schoolmates should understand your personality by now, but if they continue to ask uncomfortable questions, then I would just tell them that this is simply how you are. I know society has this expectation for people to be happy and sociable all the time, but it's totally unrealistic. I hope this helps and take care.
Theansweris42
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Theansweris42 »

Thank you, it's always makes me feel better to know that there are people actually reading my thoughts, taking them seriously and always trying to help no matter how weird, repetitive or overcomplicated what I write here is! I'm forever grateful for that <3
Theansweris42
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Theansweris42 »

As for the situation I keep mentioning, there's practically nothing to talk about as I really don't remember anything and don't want to assume anything based on rumors and weird feelings. But I keep coming back to it in my thoughts again and again and it's getting a bit disturbing, so I wanted to ask if maybe someone here has some advice or ideas how to stop doing and seeking things that are stupid, reckless or dangerous. I don't mean just things like alcohol, in same cases it's more about just wanting to appear and feel brave or strong like cycling in bad weather or going into places that are considered dangerous.
But there are some other things, some of which might be probably called self-harm, that I keep doing or letting happen even if I don't understand why and hate that... Not to make it sound too serious, it's nothing too bad, but even just a little loss of self control is terrifying for me. Not to mention the trouble I might get into if my family finds out...

And I'd also really appreciate if you have some ideas how to deal with the shame and guilt that often goes along. Shams is probably what I deserve, but sometimes it's getting really annoying when solely remembering some moments effectively paralyses me and puts me out of reality for a few seconds or minutes

I also realized that I probably tend to focus too much on some minor topics like my hair or this and stress over those. It might be because it's easier to address and deal with feelings like "I am angry with my parents" or "I have done something stupid" than feeling like the world is falling apart (it sometimes seems to where I live) or feeling bad physically and mentally. Why I'm saying that is that if you ever think I'm overthinking and repeating some things, you can always ask me to stop so I don't become too annoying, thank you
Carly
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Carly »

Hey again 42 -- remind me, what kind of mental health support do you have in your life? Do you see a therapist? I reckon I or someone else has asked this before, but we have quite a long thread going now. And, if it's been a while since we talked about it, it might be a good time for an update. I ask because when I've struggled with some of the stuff you're describing, going to therapy helped me to sort the situation I was trying to cope with out and uncover the reasons why I tried coping with reckless or potentially dangerous things. I think this would be especially helpful if what you can remember about this situation causes disassociation. Sometimes the smaller or minor feeling issues can also be connecting to larger issues or struggles as well, so no worries about concentrating on those things here with us or even with a therapist.

As for advice on how to how to stop seeking potentially harmful ways to cope -- something that I've learned to do, which is very very simplistic, is to ask myself if the thing I'm going to do will change anything about the situation I'm upset about. I don't think this works for everyone, as sometimes being able to distract yourself with the harmful coping does feel like something that can change the situation. It's really helped me a lot though, and has put a lot into perspective for me.
Theansweris42
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Theansweris42 »

Thank you, that sounds like a really helpful approach!

(Before I get to you question - I have probably touched on this a few times already, but I need an direct answer - I'm aware that the way I use this place isn't exactly what it was made and meant for, at least not primarily, all in terms of frequency, quantity and topics. I'm very grateful for being able to do it, but much more important is that I deeply respect this place and all of you. So I need an honest answer - if any of you feel like the way I use this place is unproductive or just in any way negative for anyone involved, please tell me. I'm ready to stop or adjust my posting.)

As for your question - I don't have a therapist right now but might have soon. For the context - I've never sought this kind of help because I didn't felt like I need or deserve it, it would have been impossible without my parents knowing, I don't have a good experience with psychologist and it is also extremely hard to find anyone taking in new patients since the pandemic and war in Ukraine started.  But several months ago one doctor gave me an ultimatum that he will stop treating me if I don't get a psychologist/psychiatrist, because he believed some of my health issues might stem from mental problems (I really don't think so). And my parents have changed their minds and have suddenly started to force me into finding a mental health expert until I gave out. (I can only speculate why they want it, but I can't help feeling like they just want a "official confirmation" that there is something wrong with me so they can blame some things like my sexual orientation or some opinions on that...). Anyway, the problem for me is that they didn't let me find a provider on my own and instead my mum made me an appointment with her (not very close) friend. Which I'm unhappy about for several reasons - she doesn't work as a therapist normally (but something quite similar) and therefore I also don't know if she has any guidelines about what she can or cannot say to my parents, and I'm also quite angry that just because mu parents have connections I get to get an appointment in just a month and for free, that's totally unfair when there are so many people who really need help but can't get it soon enough. And overall, just the thought of this appointment terrifies me for some reason.

Sorry for such a long answer, I know I have alerady talked about this with some of you, but I guess I just needed to vent, even if I don't completely understand why, it's causing me quite a lot of stress
nicole
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by nicole »

Hi! For your concerns on your use of our website, I do want to let you know that we offer our services for general support. While we are not professionals, we are still here to listen and provide feedback in the ways that we know how. I know this is not the direct answer that you were looking for so I did reach out to the other staff members to see what they have to say! I will keep you updated on that.

I'm so sorry that you're experiencing difficulties with finding a therapist. From my own experience, I was also given an ultimatum similar to your's when I was experiencing mental health issues and did not see a therapist for a long time. My primary care physician told me that I can either see a therapist and get on medication or be sent to a hospital. It was a pretty bad time in my life, so I knew I needed to see a therapist in order to get my shit together.

I believe I do remember you telling us about seeing a therapist that knows your mom. Again, based on what you've been telling us, this therapist's practice seems highly unethical if she is taking you as a client and knows your family before meeting with you. I can see why this appointment terrifies you and I'm so sorry you're in this position. Do you think you can share what she does? You said it was similar to therapy so I am curious to see if her occupation actually focuses on counseling, social work, or mental health treatment. Also, I remember you mentioned that you did not have a counselor at your school. Are there any updates on that? Could you call or email their office and find out? Please take care!
Theansweris42
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Theansweris42 »

Thank you for sharing your experience, I'm glad you got the help you needed.

(Off topic - I saw in your profile that you have a guniea pig, that's so great, I have two of them! My friend used to joke that the best way to recognise good people is asking if they like guniea pigs :D )

As for what does the therapist normally do I found she is a "Methodology specialist for prevention of social pathology" and works mostly with collectives and also with teachers and exceptionally gifted or disabled children. So that sounds pretty similar but also as someone who has a lot of important work and shouldn't waste her time with me.

As for the school counselor there still isn't any and probably won't be any time soon (I even contacted a local network of mental healtcare providers that we were working with when we were trying to find help for war refugees, but noone is looking for a job right now) and it's really terrible because the only one students can get help from is a teacher  called "preventionist" but he deals with more critical situations like bullying or drug abuse and he is awfully homophobic and just overall terrible person... Thank god there's one teacher who is currently studying to be a therapist, so she can't help students officially, but she does what she can to help everyone and change the way our school works for the better. But I don't want to ask her for help myself because she also told me she is going through an incredibly hard time in her personal life so I feel I can't bother her with my problems. And honestly I don't even know what I need help with nor how should that help look like...
nicole
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by nicole »

Hi! Guinea pigs are the best, and I completely agree! All of the people I know who have guinea pigs are really kind, patient, and responsible people.

Often, when I think of work with social pathology, I assume it has to do with those who partake in risky behavior such as crime or alcoholism. However, in regards to young adults, this can also fall into nonconformity or going against societal standards. I worry that your parents may be sending you to see this specialist because of they are struggling to accept your identity (gender, sexuality, etc.) and view it as something out of the norm. With that, now I understand your concerns even more and I would advise you to find a way out of that situation. Also, anyone who ends up working with you is not wasting their time! They would not working in that field if they felt that way about any of their clients.

Also, I'm really sorry to hear about the school counselor situation. This is really difficult to see since I'm close in age to you and I really think schools should prioritize their students' mental health so they can feel comfortable and succeed! I know the teacher that you mentioned is still studying to work in counseling and you don't feel worthy of her time, but I really think it might benefit you to chat with her.

You do seem to have some worries with "doing and seeking things that are stupid, reckless or dangerous" which could fall into the whole social pathology thing, but I would still refrain from seeing the specialist that knows your mom because again, it's super unethical. I think approaching the teacher you mentioned could be a good start in confiding in an authority figure who can guide you in the right direction.
Theansweris42
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Theansweris42 »

Thank you for your answer!

It didn't occur to me that her specialisation might be the reason my parents are sending me there, it definitely sounds plausible, but on the other hand she probably also was the only one available as she is my mum's friend and wouldn't have time for me otherwise. But no matter what lies behind all this, I don't think there's a way I could get out of this as I have already promised to go there and can't break the promise. Maybe if I asked her just some basic questions strictly regarding my physical health issues everyone might be satisfied that I went there and leave me alone? But then again, I'm quite afraid I won't be able to just come there and normally ask questions without raising any suspicion, judging from how I feel about it now I worry that I won't be able to do that without something like breaking down or fainting, I know it sounds like exaggerating, but it's how it feels sometimes...
As for the teacher, I know it sounds like excuses but so far I haven't found a way to contact her that wouldn't be supervised by my parents or the school directory. And I wouldn't even know how to approach the conversation and it scares me almost as much meeting the therapist. Complaining here and actually talking to someone I know is unfortunate quite different for me. But maybe someone here might have some advice how could the conversation start or look like? That would be very appreciated.

(I know trying to help me must be kind of hard when I not very straightforwardly ask for help but then turn most advice down. I hope it's clear I don't want to be difficult purposefully, but what I asked a few posts ago about how I use this place still stands)
Carly
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Carly »

Hey 42 -- thanks for clarifying that stuff and putting it all in one post. It was definitely helpful in jogging my memory of what we've talked about in this thread. I agree, talking to your mom's friend is perhaps not the best way to address these issues. It doesn't sound like she's exactly qualified to address your needs specifically, not mention there is a huge conflict of interest and bias if she is your mom's friend. I'm wondering though if this friend could be an advocate for you to find someone better suited. I would approach it by maybe asking her to explain what she does and who she can help, and if it's not very applicable, tell her that and ask for a referral to someone who could address it all. I think discussing the health issues with her is a good idea, because I think that could illustrate that this person might not be the best fit. Does that feel doable? When is your meeting with her?

Also, in regard to starting a conversation offline with someone you want to confide in -- can you explain what feels so different? Is there anything that is the same? What scares you the most about it?
Theansweris42
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Theansweris42 »

The appointment is on the 14th next month so there's still quite some time, but I'm already unreasonably nervous anyway.

Thank you, that sound like it might work (if I'm miraculously able to overcome the fear of talking with her and just getting into conflicts in general). But I'm not sure if she will be able to give me a reference to someone else given the critical lack of any mental health providers. And I'm afraid of my parent's potential reaction to asking for another therapist but that would probably depend also on how she'd present it to them.

I know I keep saying I don't want to talk about my problems with her or anyone, but I guess in some way I want to and just don't know how, and I'm afraid that if I don't use this chance I might not get any other...


As for the teacher the problem with her specifically might be that she is someone I know and look up to and even though I know it's stupid, just don't want to show her that in reality I'm not as amazing as I sometimes might seem like...
And I also don't want her to think anything less about my parents, it just doesn't seem right for some reason.

As for confiding in anyone in general I always fear that the person might not believe me or might think I'm doing it just for the attention.


In all situations when I wanted or had to share something personal that I can remember (and when I wasn't drunk or anything) no matter who the person was I always just freeze and am not able to say anything. I'm not sure why but when thinking of the differences between confiding to someone over written text and in person I've found several differences. One is that I and the other person have much more time and space we need to properly think out what to reply so I don't have to be afraid of forgetting something or putting that person under pressure to respond in a certain time or way.
But the most significant difference for me is probably that when communicating with someone in written conversations I don't have to worry about how I act or look at the moment, whereas when talking in person I obviously have to be at least a little bit composed, when noone can see me I can cry, curl up in a ball, do some breathing exercises or some other things to relive the stress. And of course obviously I don't have to worry about my immediate reaction to the other person's eaction and avoid hurting them or impulsively lying for example.

I have no idea why confiding even with the smallest problems is often so difficult for me, but that's probably why I keep coming here because it's the only way I have more or less learned not to be so scared of
nicole
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by nicole »

Hi! For your safety and comfort, I think going to the fullest extent of looking into obtaining other mental health providers and talking to authority figures might be the best option right now. I know you have mixed thoughts on vocalizing your emotions, but as you said, if you don't take this chance then you might not have another. Also, teachers are encouraged to help their students in these types of capacities, so I don't think she will view you as any less brilliant! Although, please try to confirm that this teacher feels comfortable chatting with you about these issues before meeting with her!

I completely understand your worries about confiding in someone over written text vs in person and it's entirely valid. Honestly, it's part of human nature to worry about how others perceive you when you speak to them. If this continues to concern you, then I would recommend reaching out to the teacher over email at first. I feel like this would allow you to open up some more before meeting with her in person. If you do end up meeting with her in person, I would recommend writing some questions down before seeing her so you feel prepared. I feel like this can also be applicable to meeting with any mental health professional. Also, I'm not sure if your school utilizes Zoom or any video chat applications, but meeting over video chat could help ease your nervousness. It's also just pretty accessible in general.

Lastly, I do want to say that many people who have dealt with trust issues and anything adjacent often struggle to confide in people, even about the smallest things. I think we could work around this issue because I know it's not a quick and easy fix! Let me know if anything I said resonates with you, take care!
Theansweris42
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Theansweris42 »

The problem with both Zoom and email is that it couldn't be done without my parents knowing - they get notifications from my email to their computer. Maybe it could work if I was careful, but right now I'm too scared and paranoid to try anything. I have just had another, for me quite important, part of freedom taken away from me. I don't know what to think about it anymore... I don't know if they do it just to control me or they are actually right and it's for my own good. Maybe I'm just a confused and misguided teenager who doesn't know what's good for her and other people. Maybe I'm just fooling myself and you so I get your attention and help. And I don't even know if you would tell me if you think I'm just making things up...
Maybe that's why I want and fear confiding in someone so much, I want the care but fear they won't believe me.


Even talking with that teacher would be just another fruitless attempt at trying to make someone care about me...
I admit I'm not feeling great and probably see everything more negatively right now, but I also wonder if I might just see everything more clearly. Anyway,  the realisation that probably noone really cares about me and wants me in their lives hit me so hard again... if I disappeared my classmates would be probably happy they can take my place next to the heating, doctors would be glad to get rid of me, I pushed my only friend away and with my parents it's a bit complicated but I still suppose that no daughter would be better than a faulty one... And if that's true why should I keep trying, why do I keep fighting my broken body and society that doesn't want me, why should I put up with being tired, cold and in pain all the time why should I go through being so lonely, crying every night, feeling ashamed and apologising for everything ...what is the point in all this when it's not gonna make any difference, noone care if I'm happy or sad, healthy or ill, good or bad, death or alive...

I used to hope everything will be better when I move out to live on my own, but the more research I do the more impossible it seems, it's just so conplicated - everything is so expensive and I'm so tired and useless
Heather
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Heather »

Hey there, friend. You and I haven't interacted for a long time, so I don't want to jump in too deep right at the front, but I do want to start by making a suggestion in support of your privacy and autonomy.

Why not make yourself a new email account, a secondary account somewhere, one that your parents have no ties to? I do think, from everything I know about your family system, this is absolutely about control, and I would suggest you do what you can to not go along with it. Maybe that means you just get rid of that whole account and make a new one and let them know what they did isn't okay and they need to stop. Maybe it feels better or more effective for you to not rock the boat and just make a secondary one without saying anything at all. Either way, I don't see any reason for you to accept that you have to go without this basic privacy and access. If you need help setting up a private account, we're more than happy to help you with that.

You know, as someone who left home early and had to live in poverty and some pretty iffy spots often, I personally still think that independence is worth the cost. Yes, housemates can be annoying, for instance, and beans and rice or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches can get tiresome when they're your central meal for a long time. Working two or three jobs is absolutely not fun. BUT. Having the agency, the privacy, the autonomy and the freedom living apart from family that's abusive and/or controlling gives you? So worth it. And so not impossible.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
Theansweris42
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Theansweris42 »

Thank you for the offer to help I realIy appreciate it. But I actually already have an email account they don't know about but I can't unfortunately use it it that particular situation with that teacher because we are obliged to use our school email accounts to communicate with school staff.

Thank you for reminding me that independent life doesn't have to be unachievable. In moments of despair I tend to switch to thinking in absolutes and what felt real at the moment sounds pathetic to me now.

I guess that because in my quite privileged life most people I know never struggled with finances and transition into independent life, I often tend to forget that there are so many people who didn't have it so easy but were able to fight most unfavourable conditions. I just don't know if I can be that person too...
I guess it's just hard for me to let go of all those dream I've had most of my life like going to university, living in a big anonymous city or having free time for hobbies or volunteering... I'd especially be sorry about not being able to study as I already got accepted and was offered scholarship at some great universities I would love, but if a work in a supermarket and a small shared flat in some village is what I'll have I'd still be really grateful for that. Finding a job without qualification and a cheap housing is almost impossible here at the moment, at least from what I've heard  (there is a bill waiting to be passed that might make it way easier, but I doubt the politicians will ever agree on that)
I'm also not sure how my health problems might affect my ability to work regularly as there are sometimes periods of time when I'm low on energy and concentration due to pain, but  I don't have much of a choice than to try.
Anyway, I still have quite some time to figure all of that out, I just wish I had something specific to look forward to and hold on to when I feel hopeless...
(Btw, thank you for calling me a friend)
Elise
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Elise »

Hi Theansweris42, sorry to hear that you've run into an administrative block with your school email, which I assume your parents monitor? In terms of writing things down privately first, could writing a draft of what you want to say in your private email drafts help to keep it private, even if you'd need to say it in person?

When it comes to university whilst living out of home, whilst I don't know your exact situation where you are in Europe, my understanding is that there are free public universities (that are prestigious) in your country, and that's great you have a scholarship (which might also mean you go free, or they give you a small stipend?). Also, the university likely have student advice services that could advise you on how to access any student financial support, student jobs, working out how much you need to move out, other advice.

As someone who lived in sharehouses during uni, I'm going to dump a bunch of things you can look into in terms of supporting yourself, in your own time, no rush! I hope some are applicable in the context of where you live - you may have to talk to some older friends or resources to get perspectives from students.

Is living with other students in a shared rental flat something that people tend to do in your country? Many people around the world work in a cafe, supermarket, retail more generally to support themselves through university and sharing a flat or house with a few other people can be crowded, and student flats rather basic, but if you can find some solid people to live with, can be a good life experience.

Other forms of income for uni students can be working on campus (student cafeterias), and some universities (and or student union groups) host jobs boards, which can include opportunities to tutor high school students (another option is to mention to teachers that you'd like to advertise to parents at your school that you can do tutoring in the subjects you do well at). Also since I recall you're a musician, depending on the level you've reached, giving music lessons can be a good niche way to make money (most music undergraduates are doing this), and also if there is a shop that sells musical instruments in the area, they tend to employ people with music experience, which can be a smaller pool of people to compete in. Also, are there periods, say around Christmas, where stores take on more people? If so, sometimes the people who work in those roles then can stay on if they do well and want to stay as there is a lot of turn over in student-heavy industries as people graduate and leave.

Another thing to consider is whether you take advantage of your great placement in a university, but study part time (aka complete the degree over longer than the regular duration), so you can work more hours in a job to have more income to support yourself in needs be. Do research this carefully as sometimes certain government supports or student discounts require full time study and it's a net loss to work more.

Finally, even if student days are tight financially, it is a short period of time, and won't be your forever. Also there generally tend to be free things on campus with student groups, even just hanging out with the friends you will make between classes. There are usually also free student clubs also.

I have done some googling and whilst I can only read your government sites that are available in english, it seems like there is a housing allowance you could be eligible for in a share flat, and some of the universities offer housing bursaries.

I hope this gives you a bit of hope and isn't too overwhelming. It can be a bit scary thinking of having to support yourself at 18 or 19, but there are options out there.
Theansweris42
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Theansweris42 »

Than you so much! It means so much to me that you took the time to find and put together all this information, it's super helpful and appreciated <3

I didn't even know many of those options existed. If I understand it right, I wouldn't be eligible for most student financial support as it is if often derived from the income of parent's (because according to law here they are obliged to provide for children as long as they study), but that doesn't matter because the things I learned thanks to you seem to make everything much easier nevertheless.

Especially the option to stretch the studying over more years to have more time to work might be a gamer changer for me. If I chose some free and more "normal" and less demanding study program than I originally intended I might be able to even work full time (which I think would make finding a job way easier too). I was thinking about teaching but I'm not sure I'd be good at it and it is a huge responsibility.

Anyway, I have about three months until I have to make final decision regarding uni and then I can search a place to live and a job according to that. I also hope that there will be more offers of shared flats around the end of the school year.

Probably the biggest uncertainty that remains is that I might have almost nothing to start with. I actually have some finances, probably enough for a few months (if the inflation doesn't get much worse) but all this money is under my parents control and I'm not sure what might happen to it when they find out I'm planning to move out and limit contact with them... I guess only time will tell.

And it the meantime, thanks to you, trying to figure all this out can become a pleasant thing to occupy mu mind with again :)
It's kind of funny that through whole childhood people are constantly told that they have to learn how to clean, cook and study hard in order to become "proper" adults. But noone ever learns us how to apply to a school to study or how to get the food to cook and a room to clean...

As for talking with the teacher, to those who were trying to help me with that, I'm sorry, I just can't do it. Every time I tried putting what I want to say and ask together I just came upon some imaginative barrier of panic in my mind and wasn't able to write anything. I also don't want to get her into any trouble as she doesn't have any official qualification to deal with, not only mental health, problems of students and has offered help just because she knows how terrible the situation at our school is.  Besides I'm in much better place than when I first brought that up here so there's no need to waste her time.
Michaela
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Michaela »

Hi 42,

I haven't popped onto this thread in a while but it was great to catch up and see some new excitement and hope around finding a way to get you the independence that you have been needing and wanting for so long.

I hear you on the fact that no one really teaches kids all the "life" things and just assumes we should know it all. I'm at that same stage of "adult-in-training" as I like to call it which really just means making lots of mistakes and somewhat learning along the way.

Since it seems like this university idea has some awesome potential to provide that independence, privacy, and possible mental health services, we could definitely help you lay out what you might need to do to get there (as Elise has already started). For example, highlighting what type of life things to plan out and options to make it possible (because it is!). The first step would probably be to identify the institution that you are most interested in going to or that seems the most feasible (whether that is the one you have already been accepted to or others) and then lay out what are some of the barriers that you might need to brainstorm solutions for. From there, most universities have tabs that list things like financial aid and student services. Clicking around on there can help to provide some information about more specific options but I would also suggest emailing someone in one of those departments because they are experts at helping students figure out all of these logistical things and by hearing your unique situation they can provide more specific suggestions than what we could. Would that sound like something that could be helpful? Of course, we all can still help with those logistical barriers because between all of our life experiences we have quite a lot of creative ideas on how to get by.

In terms of your current finances. Would there be any potential of getting a part-time job or even doing things like helping out neighbors with chores for cash type-situation? You mentioned how your finances are under your parent's control at the moment. Do you think that approaching a conversation about gaining your own private access to your finances might be more possible now if you do it under the topic of going to university and thus needing access to that money for things like buying books, or social events? I know that for a lot of people here in the US going to university tends to be a point in life when the child moves out of the house and parents (although some less gracefully) tend to accept that. Is that the same there? Or would your parents be expecting you to keep living with them?

In terms of your teacher, it can definitely be hard to ask for help and take some time. We are here to be a resource for whatever would be the most productive and helpful for you. Whether that is focusing on things like looking into independence options, talking through how to approach that appointment with your mother's friend, or anything else that arises. Just let us know what would be the most supportive for you.
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Elise »

Hi there Theansweris42, just to add a quick note regarding control of your own finances and not knowing what your parents would do if you said you were moving out, it would be worthwhile to set up your own account, which you could start trying to keep any money you make in, and also if you have access to your current account, could quickly transfer the money into.

Since you are 19, it looks like you can access student accounts at banks in your country without a parent's permission, and can do that all online. There may be some student accounts that don't charge fees (do check google translate can only do so much but I think I saw some that didn't require you to make any transactions on the account each month for the fee waiver). Also if it fits within budget, and you need somewhere to get bank mail (if they have to send you a debit card and can't only digitally provision one), then you can get a PO Box for 121-460Kč a month (maybe even only short term, I couldn't quite tell), and have it sent there?
Theansweris42
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Theansweris42 »

Thank you, it's great to hear from you again!

I hope you have got some kind supprtive instructors in your "adulthood training" like I have in you!

In a few weeks all details of study and admission process should be published and then I'll probably decide and enroll to two different universities (one I'm already accepted to and one that's free and should be less demanding) in one city so I'll get more time to decide if and what I want to study but could sort other things in advance too. Thank you for the offer to help with all that, if any questions pop up along the way I'll be really grateful to have someone to ask!

Right now I'm realising that I probably don't even know about everything I have to figure out and arrange to be able to move out. So far I've thought about - finances and separate bank account, means of income, housing, studying, health care providers, means of transportation if I go into a big city, separate mobile phone operator, probably also changing the permanent residence address eventually... any ideas what other important things I'm forgetting?

As for a part time job, my parents didn't allow me to continue after summer, but now I see there were right, I often don't have much free time and energy to do anything more regular than playing with and orchestra or on my own on some events from time to time. I really like doing it but I earn almost nothing. Hopefully I'll be able to find something to add to that for summer.

You're right that I'll have to have the conversation about the future with my family soon. I think they now think I'll either stay at home or go to a nearby town to study and come home every weekend and holiday like most people here do. Maybe it's an option too, right now in my idealised dreams I just want to cut the whole family off. But maybe it's too cruel to them and it'd be a huge mistake to do that, after all I have just one family and if I lose it I wouldn't have anyone left...
Right now I'm too afraid to ask for the unsupervised access to my money as I'm still in some trouble because of something else and the last time I brought the topic of finances up it was met with suspicion that I want to do something against their will.

I actually have some more questions regarding that appointment with the therapist (I'm sorry, I first said she isn't an actual therapist and has different specialisation but now I found she sometimes does counselling as well as her personal business). Anyway, it's still really stressing me out. I think a big reason why is that I have zero idea what to expect. I know it's most probably highly individual but I wanted to ask how might even a appointment with an mental health care provider look like - I guess it works like with other doctors that I come a wait for someone to call me in? Could there be some intake procedure (like a questionnaire) and if so, is it obligatory?  Is it more probable that she'll ask me specific questions or just tell me to talk about whatever I want? How would she react if I was too nervous to talk or broke down? Will I get an report like from other health care providers? Are there any conditions under which she would be allowed to tell someone else what I tell her?


Sorry, I know I talk and ask a LOT, so like always, no need to answet everything/anything at all
Theansweris42
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Theansweris42 »

And thank you so much, Elise! I'm sorry I didn't your post at first.

I didn't know about those boxes and it seems like a great way to solve the problem, I'm going to look more into that as soon as possible.

It's a bit funny that someone from the other side of the world is helping me to find things in my language, I hope you know I endlessly admire and appreciate it <3
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by nicole »

Hi! I'm glad you're looking into ways to distance yourself from your parents and become more independent, as I know your parents have caused you a lot of stress. That being said, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to go "no contact" with them, but rather just gain a sense of self in your assets, like a bank account, transportation, etc., so you don't have to rely on them. That way they won't hold anything against you in the future.

As for your questions about therapy--you're right, it's pretty different for each person; however, I can give you some insight from my own experiences with therapy. To start, yes, you either sign it at the front office and someone calls you into the therapist's office, or the therapist retrieves you themselves. Typically, the therapist will ask you to introduce yourself and give them an idea about your lifestyle, interests, family, friends, school, hobbies, etc. Next, it'll probably turn into a mix of asking and answering questions, as well as just talking about whatever is going on in your life or on your mind. It's actually pretty similar to what we do on the boards with you, but in-person of course. Also, your therapist should be trained in handling clients who are nervous or breaking down. In my experience, I never received a "report" from a therapist, as the notes they take on your condition are usually kept to themselves. Lastly, everything you discuss with your therapist is supposed to be confidential, which means whatever is said in that room will not leave it unless you are threatening harm to yourself or others.

I hope this helps!
Theansweris42
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Theansweris42 »

Thank you, knowing how it might look like really helps to ease some worries!

As for my future relationship with my parents, I guess you are right. It's just that I find it hard to imagine my future life with them still in it, I don't know how it would work and also don't know how might they react when they find out that I want to move out. But I guess I just have to accept it'd be a process I will not have full control over.

Thanks to the tip from Elise I managed to find several banks with free online bank accounts. The only barrier that remains is that all require a verification payment from another account and I haven't found a way to do that that my parent's wouldn't notice.


There's also something else that's totally unrelated but I need someone else's opinion on that.
(Note: mention of suicide)
In short, I'm angry and appalled because of one teacher's behaviour but I don't know if there's anything I can do about it. Said teacher, who is also the head teacher, told us, in in my opinion, in quite disrespectful and not-okay way that a student from another class died of suicide. Just a few minutes later he casually started asking us if we have cases of alcoholism, metal health problems or suicide in our families and that, which was the worst, if we ourselves have suicidal thoughts and other personal questions. He also said things like that he thinks it's absolutely normal to have those and that it's just everyone's task to deal with them and some other, in my opinion, absolutely terrible and harmful things. I'm really angry at myself that I didn't speak up at the moment and didn't told him that I don't think it's okay to say those things, but I was too shaken and am afraid of this person in general. And now I'm thinking whether I should at least write him an email. Because someone has to tell him that it was not okay so he won't hurt more people by saying such things. It's not just me who didn't like it, it made everyone else really uncomfortable too.When I think how it made me feel, I can't even imagine how painful it could be for people for who these are way more sensitive topics.
But I'm not sure if writing him is a good idea that could actually help other people or I just want to satisfy my selfish need for righteousness. It's also a bit complicated because he is the headmaster, not someone used to critique and he doesn't like me.

I was also thinking of putting together some online resources and crisis hot lines and making a poster/leaflet to put to some places at school, because there's still no school counselor and there are definitely many people who need some help. But I'm not sure if the head teacher will let me do that.
I guess I just feel the need to do something, nothing can change what happened to that student, but I wish so badly I wasn't so powerless and could help other struggling people at least a little...
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Mo »

I'm really sorry to hear about the death of a student at your school and about how insensitively it was handled by a member of staff. :(

I'm honestly not sure if I'd recommend you saying anything to the headmaster. I think it's a great impulse that you want to speak up! It sounds like he was being really terrible and should be corrected! But if you know that he isn't open to student input, and especially if you feel like he dislikes you in particular, I worry it might make your life a lot harder. You could try something like writing an anonymous letter that you mail to the school, if you want: you could identify yourself as a student and describe what he did and why you think it was wrong without giving your name. That might be a way to speak out without putting yourself at risk of harassment or other difficulties.

If you do put together some resources, though, you don't need someone's permission to distribute them. I know that in school it can be easier to share information by taping up signs in restrooms or leaving literature there; when I was in school some students shared "unauthorized" information that way. You may be able to pin some information up on bulletin boards or put flyers in common areas like libraries or lounges. It's a good idea to do this when teachers aren't around, if you think it might not be appreciated, but I do think this is a good idea, overall. If the staff in charge are saying really unkind and insensitive things about mental health, this could be helpful!
Theansweris42
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Re: Accepting my sexuality

Unread post by Theansweris42 »

Thank you!
And sorry, I asked for advice and then didn't follow it. I realise he wouldn't have a hard time guessing who wrote the letter even if it was anonymous because there are only 10 people in his class and just three girls and I didn't want to risk that he would want revenge on someone else or the whole class so I wrote him an normal email. But thankfully I didn't have to worry, he already answered and even though he didn't apologise or anything he thanked me for the input, said it wasn't mean in a cynical way and that he agrees with me. I'm really glad he reacted like this but am a little sceptical that it'll actually change anything...

Fortunately there's the teacher, that I've mentioned here before, that's great and want to help all students despite her very limited competence. I've talked with her about the problems with mental health care at our school and as a result we had an discussion about it and the ways to get help in class. I'm so grateful to her for opening up that topic, it was really needed. For some weird unknown reason the discussion has made me really nervous and I even had to leave to room for a bit to calm down, but I hope she didn't notice and I regret I wasn't able to thank her properly. She is probably the only person at school I really trust but even if I wanted to confide in her with something I can't, because she has an obligation to inform the head teacher and parents even of students over 18... I'm really sorry for all those student who can't get help they need at school, hopefully they'll at least be able to use some of those hot lines or other resources.
There probably isn't much but if anyone had any ideas what I could do to help students or change anything at my school, I'd really appreciate it. Everyday I hear about more and more people struggling and it just breaks my heart...

I also had a great and validating talk with one friend from another class, it felt so good to see she has very similar views and opinions regarding some things at our school like me and is actively searching for ways to help at least her classmates, I really admire her for that. Why I'm saying it is because it always makes me feel much better whenever I see that there are people who genuinely care for others, like people here for example. That's why whenever I feel bad I like to come here and read or even post something. Thank you so much for providing a safe place like this.

Well, that was  a lot of (over)sharing without much questions, I have something else to share and one question but it's really unrelated to what this place is for and I completely understand if it's left unanswered. The thing is that my grandmother who lives with us had  a serious injury yesterday and is in the ICU (but hopefully should be okay) and even though I'm worried and upset about it, definitely not as much as I should be and I realised that in some way I feel glad she won't be at home for some time... it's absolutely terrible to think like this and I deeply hate myself for those thoughts but I can't stop them, it's like the conscious part of my mind wants me to be good person but the subconscious won't let it. Is there some way to stop thinking like this?
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