Thank you, I kind of hoped that after a few days I'll be able to get some clarity and peace of mind regarding the whole situation with my friend, but it's not helping much. Even when hypothetically thinking about ending the friendship I always come up against so many sometimes seemingly uncrossable barriers.
If you have any thoughts or ideas how to get over any of them I'd appreciate it and if not, take this just like a place I used to sort out my feelings, that's really helpful on itself. You have already helped me to overcome some of them in your previous posts so I'll try to stick with those occupying my mind the most.
(And those are just those selfish reasons, I'm not even talking about how it might make *her* feel...)
I really hope all of these reasons aren't just excuses and I'm not double or triple sabotaging my thoughts...
One is that I just can't see her as someone capable of being toxic or manipulative. She has been through a lot - being bullied, mental health problems, rehab etc. and also two pretty toxic friendships and one unhealthy or maybe even abusive romantic relationship. I've spent many hours listening to her talking about those experiences and even though nothing is easy, she is hopefully getting better and it seems to me that she now knows quite a lot and is aware of different aspects of unhealthy relationships dynamics and their consequences. So besides admiring her for getting through all those terrible things life has put her through I really don't understand why would she do to me some of those things that has been done to her?
I see the similarities with Mo's story (and I admire both you and Val and am really glad you were able to get out of those situations)
but one difference is that we are both adults, I haven't got any experience with relationships but she is older and has plenty, both negative and positive, so I think she should be able to recognise some problems if there are any and know how to sort them out.
And also, if it's like this because how I was raised as Heather suggested, is there even point in leaving this relationship when if I even ever found some new, it would most likely end up the same? Is it even possible to learn how to "do relationships"?
Another reason why I have problems imagining my life without her is that I think about her a lot, whenever I'm not reading or listening to something and sometimes even then, my thoughts always circle back to her. And if I try to push them out of my mind it gets filled my much worse and unpleasant things. I know it's sounds selfish, but if I didn't have her to occupy my mind I'm afraid it wouldn't end well.
This one I can probably get over but even if I don't like it, it's still important to me. The thing is she is the only "tangible evidence" that I can ever have those relationship-related things (hugs, cuddles, kisses, love letters...). It's seems a shallow reason even to me, but since I was several times laughed at and excluded from friend groups for being immature for not having any experience with relationships, I have hard time letting this one go and even much harder accepting that those things she did and said weren't right or real...
One more practical but for me hard-to-solve issue is that mine and her parents are really good lifelong friends and if I somehow stopped talking to her they wouldn immediately notice and I don't know what would they think or what she might tell them. There are several things she knows I really don't want anyone else, my parents especially, to know. The possible consequences of that happening or even our parents finding out some of what happend between us are terribly scary for me.
But thinking about it, it all always comes down to one thing: she is my only friend. I know it sounds like some coming of age book cliché, having no friends and not fitting in, but that's really how it feels. If I didn't have her I would have noone I could say good morning or good night no, noone to ask about their day, noone to send cute guniea pig photos to, noone to laught with, noone to hug, noone to look forward to seeing, noone to help to...
Without those things I can't help seeing my life as completely empty and meaningless. I need someone to connect with, someone to care about and without that I don't feel like someone worth living. I see it like everything has the value that other people "give" it, (if noone knew and admired it Mona Lisa wouldn't be worth more than the canvas it's painted on). And if there's noone around me who would see anything nice in me and I can't give any value to myself, I just don't have any, at least in my eyes. That's maybe why I find it so hard to connect the "unhealthy relationships" with the meaning "not good for me" and this with "something I should get away from", I just don't see the reason for doing that, if you know what I mean. I know this all sounds horribly absolute and exaggerated, but solely thinking of losing her and being even more lonely hurts physically.
I know the obvious advice would be "think less, act more", but that's just not me.
(How I hate all those buts and ifs...)