I think you’re right that a label would be restrictive if anything here. I guess it’d make me feel better having a fixed identity, ‘this is who I am’ kinda thing, which is human nature. I think I just need to be patient, and when I figure things out, I’ll pick a label, even if it doesn’t represent me perfectly, as it’s got that useful function of help by other people understand. It does make me feel somewhat better knowing nobody is ‘normal’ though. I really hope I’ll manage to orgasm at some point though - everyone says it feels really good and all that, so i’d like to experience it.
Weirdly, even before I hit puberty I’ve been kinky, so in that sense i’ve been unusually sure of my sexuality early on (when i was 7/8). If Freud’s theory about the five stages of phyco-sexual development is correct, i guess that’s just how my libido was manifesting at the time, so it was normal.I also see a lot of other kinky people online saying they’ve had it since they were 8, so again, normal. It’s probably not healthy to be worrying so much about being normal, and like you said m, nothing is normal, but I guess I’m just scared.
And yeah, it’s all hypothetical rn. Once I found an old skirt of my sister’s in the attic, but it was from when she was a small child so I couldn’t get it in sadly. I can’t ask to borrow any of her current skirts that might fit me because, as I mentioned before, I’m in the closet except to one friend. Anyway, the plan is to get some feminine clothing and see where it goes. I can’t get earrings because my ears aren’t pierced- and in fact I haven thought much about jewellery in general, unless you count a collar, which I don’t really. Oh holy shit, I haven’t mentioned [these posts are pretty much just transcriptions of my train of thought that I format afterwards lol] that I have worn a collar and a leash!
I was 13, and my main thoughts had been about BDSM. I’d been a girl in some of my fantasies, but I’d dismissed it and was mainly focused on being a submissive. I went to a pet shop and bought a collar and leash. They weren’t exactly what I wanted/want, they’re meant for dogs, but when I went to be I put on the collar and instantly got very horny. I put in the leash and I got even more. Then I lifted up a table and put the handle of the leash through the table leg so I was leashed to it. Ironically this made me feel very free, probably because I was expressing my true self. My penis had also reached a size I didn’t know it was capable of growing to (was never able to replicate it), and I really thought/hoped this would be the moment I finally get to experience an orgasm. It wasn’t, as I’ve mentioned before traditional wanking doesn’t make me feel anything. After that I took them off, out of fear of being discovered wearing them in the morning. The next night I did it again to less effect, but I slept with the collar on, and wore it until about 12am the next morning (this was when online school was still going, so I worse it until a teacher made me turn in my camera). Since then neither have made me feel anything and they feel just like strips of fabric - if I wear a collar again it needs to be a leather one, and a leash needs someone to hold it to be interesting.
Sorry for the long tangent, but that’s the one time this has been more than hypothetical. Anyway, planning on getting a skirt and, though this might seem jumping into the deep end, wearing it in public. I’m not going to do it in my local area where I might see people who know me, but I’m planning on getting a black miniskirt that doesn’t look super obviously feminine - if people looked and thought about it they’d see i’m wearing a feminine skirt, but I’m pretty sure people going about their own business won’t really notice/care. I’m very excited to do this, and I will post updates to that plan here.
Also thanks for the paragraph about my crush, that really helped.