ok so my internet crush told me he doesn't want a boyfriend a weak ago but then [...] I asked him can I hug him one day and he said to meet him first.He seemed distant and uninterested but I thought if he got to know me a little better he'd hug me and hold hands with me,after we meet irl,after corona (that's literally all I wanted - a hug and holding hands,cute stuff like that). But after awhile I felt I was done with his cold attitude so I straight up asked him does he find me attractive and he said no. That makes me feel horrible,I really like him,he is cute and fun to talk to.but mostly important - cute. So now I'm sad. But to not that be enough,I believed I was ugly before,then I was like maybe I'm not and now I think I am cause he doesn't find me attractive.
I lost half of my hair due to too much testosterone in blood (I take shots) and now I'm ugly.I also wear glasses which don't really make me look pretty.Guys never want me,only old pervs.
now I hate my crush.for making me feel like this .child-lish-ly I hate him cause he doesn't like me back.
Also,I have psychosis/schizophrenia - the doctors aren't sure anymore,it could be organic cause of my epilepsy (which I hate,by the way) or could be schizo since I had few symptoms before epilepsy and my grandma and 3 other relatives have schizophrenia.
I hate my schizophrenia,I' m paranoid and delusional about some things, I always feel I am being watched.I also think I'm ugly.And I can't find a boyfriend.[...] I have no friends.I want to jump from the building.Getting my doctor on the phone is hard these days.Very hard. So I'm left with pain.
I hate mental problems,my hair,not having friends,not having a boyfriend, [...] when I'm sober I think about death,write sad poems and falling in the sharp teeth of psychotic disorder,whichever it may be.