So i have had romantic and platonic relationship with this girl for a long while. We had been pining for each other our junior and senior years of high school and things got complicated after we graduated.
We had always been very touchy-feely and affectionate platonically and we kind of just decided that by then we were basically already in a romantic relationship, we just hadn't kissed, and we starting referring to ourselves as girlfriends (side-note, I have since come out as transnonbinary and use masculine terms to refer to myself now). We dated for a few months, but during winter break I asked her to kiss me and she refused, and decided that we should break up. I didn't try to press the issue because I felt that if she just wanted to stay friends, we could still have that and I wasn't entitled to anything from her.
But, this turned out to be much harder for me than I thought. These past couple months I've really just wanted to experience a proper romantic relationship, but I consider myself demisexual and at the very least I know that I can't develop feelings for people just by looking at them - I need to have a deeper connection first. I knew that I was still in love with this girl, but I thought i couldn't form feelings for anyone because I was still in love with her, so I ghosted her. I didn't mean to, and I know now how much it hurt her, but I just couldn't separate my feelings from her without cutting her out. And now I feel extra guilty, because even with my selfish justification I still couldn't feel that spark for a new person, and i felt I wrecked our relationship, and I was holding my other friends at arms length to avoid getting feelings for them, and I still felt utterly lonely.
After this spring break let out she reached out to me again. I think after starting therapy again I was motivated to respond. So we talked, and she told me that she broke it off because she didn't think it was fair to me. She said that she very much loved me, but that since she couldn't bring herself to go any further and we were both at college that she couldn't give me what I wanted and didn't want to hurt me that way. She also told me that she thought the reason I ghosted her was because I was upset with her.
Now I just don't know what to do. I feel like i can't fall for anyone else because she's still on my mind, but since I ghosted her so hard I don't know if I even feel the same way about her. i don't know if we can be friends without loving each other this way, but at this point shes my only real friend outside of college and I considered her my best friend, and I don't know if I have what it takes to cut her out of my life on purpose. please if anyone has advice, I am desperate for help