Tired of him and tired of sex?

Questions and discussions about relationships: girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, partners, friends, family or other intimate relationships in your lives.
Everglow
not a newbie
Posts: 30
Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 5:55 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I dont know
My primary language: english
My pronouns: her
My sexual identity and orientation: straight
Location: Vancouver, WA

Tired of him and tired of sex?

Unread postby Everglow » Tue Mar 10, 2020 11:56 am

Yesterday after school I went to my boyfriend's house and had sex with him, I think it's the fifth time we have done it now, but I wasn't feeling it. I had sex with him because we had the opportunity on doing it but I wasn't feeling up to it and I had no orgasm from it and I was not interested in doing it. I got done with my period a few days ago and I'm wondering if maybe my mind and body needs a break for a bit? Having sex is very new for me and I want to know if my feelings towards him and my feelings about not wanting to have sex is a normal part? If this comes up again should I tell him that I don't want to have sex or should I have sex and see if I feel better about doing it?

Gone.Sorry.
not a newbie
Posts: 150
Joined: Mon Nov 04, 2019 10:10 pm
My pronouns: required field
Location: required field

Re: Tired of him and tired of sex?

Unread postby Gone.Sorry. » Tue Mar 10, 2020 2:04 pm

Welcome back, Everglow!

People's libido and interest in sex can naturally wax and wane over time and partner's motivation for and interest in having sex can definitely change over time in a relationship.

As for what this means for you and your relationship, though, only you can say. Maybe you do need a break or maybe that was just one time you weren't really into having sex. It could have been your current mood, it could have been the fact that after having sex a couple of times it seems less taboo and so how much you want to do it is changing, etc. I would give yourself a little time to work this out and see how you feel.

Not really wanting to have sex is a good reason not to have sex, definitely! I don't think you ever need to just "power through" and have sex if you're not really feeling it. You can say no at any point!

As for saying no, anything that says "no" will work fine! For example: "I'm actually not in the mood to have sex right now. Let's watch a movie or play Skyrim instead."

Do you feel comfortable saying no to your boyfriend? Has he done anything that shows he doesn't respect it when you say no or try to uphold a boundary?

Mo
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 1993
Joined: Thu Jul 31, 2014 2:57 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: I'm always wearing seriously fancy nail polish.
My primary language: English
My pronouns: he/him, they/them
My sexual identity and orientation: queer/bisexual

Re: Tired of him and tired of sex?

Unread postby Mo » Tue Mar 10, 2020 2:44 pm

It's definitely normal to not want sex, just like it's normal to want sex; it's certainly not strange to feel like you aren't in the mood for sex at any given time. In general I think the best plan of action, when you don't want sex, is not to try and push yourself into it anyway; having sex you don't enjoy isn't something that's going to be fun or healthy for you or your relationship in the long run.
Keep in mind, too, that most people won't want to have sex with someone who isn't interested, so telling your boyfriend that you don't want sex, if you aren't in the mood, is good for him, too. If he does still want to have sex, and tries to pressure or convince you to even when he knows it isn't something you want right now, that would be a pretty concerning sign that he isn't someone who's safe to be sexual with at all. In a healthy relationship, though, even if someone's disappointed that their partner isn't into sex they won't be a jerk about it or try to convince them otherwise.

You may find this article helpful in thinking about deciding not to have sex when you aren't in the mood for it: Don't Want To Have Sex?
This quote in particular really sums up my feelings on the matter:
Being part of sex you don't want or that doesn't feel right for you tends to result in unhealthy, dysfunctional or just-plain-old-crummy relationships, a sexual life you probably won't feel good about or enjoy, and feeling in conflict or out-of-touch with yourself. A big part of being at peace with and enjoying our sexualities and sexual lives is making choices that feel in alignment with our wants and needs, our own ethics and values, things we want to explore, our abilities and our limits and boundaries.

Everglow
not a newbie
Posts: 30
Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 5:55 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I dont know
My primary language: english
My pronouns: her
My sexual identity and orientation: straight
Location: Vancouver, WA

Re: Tired of him and tired of sex?

Unread postby Everglow » Tue Mar 10, 2020 10:49 pm

Hi Goose and Hi Mo :~)

I'm just tired of having sex right now, that's all it is. It's something he constantly wants, not just sex but really anything sexual. it was all fun at first but now I want to get back to my boring life. I want to take that jujitsu class down the road, that seems more interesting right now. I have had sex 5 times and I think that's good enough. I think taking jujitsu will make him go find some other girl because I will not be available as much, but I'm okay with that.
Having sex with him on Monday didn't feel right. I felt like I had to do it because we had a chance on doing it. I didn't want to do it but I did it. But now I want to walk away and find something new.
And I still cant believe I did it! No regrets, but I am surprised I had sex. I do feel more confident.

Heather
scarleteen founder & director
Posts: 8512
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:43 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I know every word of The Lorax by heart.
My primary language: english
My pronouns: they/them
My sexual identity and orientation: queery-queer-queer
Location: Chicago

Re: Tired of him and tired of sex?

Unread postby Heather » Wed Mar 11, 2020 9:04 am

If you're:
• having sex you don't really want to
• having sex in any way where you feel like you have to (there was an opportunity, someone else wanted to and expected it of you, etc.)
• having sex because someone else asks for it
• having sex you yourself don't really want or aren't into

...then I think that NOT doing any of that -- not just for a little bit, but not doing that ever -- is the very best choice. None of those things tend to result in ongoing satisfying sexual lives and sexual relationships for people. None of those things tend to result in sex that everyone involved enjoys very much, especially over time. None of those things is actually emotionally healthy.

So, not only is a break a good idea, I'd suggest you start talking to your boyfriend about all this, doing what you two need to through communication and agreements to change it, and then *only* having sex -- any kind of sex -- again when you DO really want to, and because YOU want to, not just because someone else does or you feel otherwise obligated.

If someone won't stay with you if a) you don't have sex with them when they want you to (or period), or b) when you want sex but not in such crummy conditions, then by all means, I think letting them go is the way to go. In that situation, at best you're dealign with people who want different things, but at worst, you're dealing with someone who is just a selfish jerk, and no one should stay or keep having sex with one of those. :(
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead


Return to “Relationships”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests