Hi BuddyBoi21! Sorry for the delay.
I’m going to try and address what you wrote, but if I leave anything out that you want to talk more about, please let me know!
Thank you for sharing more of your story of sexual development. Much of what you’ve described is actually pretty common for many people: unsure of how to express sexuality as children, poor sex education that drills in some problematic heteronormative and/or shameful thoughts about oneself, lack of communication from unsupportive parents… Sex-negative culture really does a number on us! I’m sorry that you, too, grew up in a culture and an environment that didn’t send you positive messages about your sexuality. However, it’s good to reflect on this, because in learning to accept ourselves, we have to understand (to some degree) why we are the way we are.
It was not your fault that you were raised that way/in that environment. Children can’t choose what messages they receive. We rely on our caregivers for that. So when it comes to acceptance of your behaviors and your sexuality, please remember that you didn’t choose how to be raised. You can now choose to be different, to want different things, while accepting that part of why those things feel challenging was because you were raised a certain way. <3
Much of the confusing and negative messaging we receive around sex could also be applied to how we generally relate and communicate with other people. Unfortunately, most people are never taught how to communicate openly and clearly with others (and ESPECIALLY around sex). Even neuro “typical” people struggle to tell each other what they want and need. Sure, some people do use less direct ways of doing that, but I think that often actually ends poorly for one or both parties.
When it comes to integrating your autism with your sexuality - I admire and celebrate your approach to communication, and I hope you can start thinking of it that way too. It may be surprising to people who aren’t used to direct communication, but it’s also the fastest away to ensuring that both you and your partner ACTUALLY get what you want! And it avoids confusion and consent issues. I recognize that some other people may not see that as a turn-on, like you said - but I also think that others WILL enjoy that. For example, that person that liked your directness!
One way to identify people who might be into your directness is to bring it up fairly early on (which it sounds like you may be doing already), and in a positive
way. Your communication style is a strength, not a weird or bad thing. Communicating openly and with detail helps you and your partners understand each other and get what you want - that’s AWESOME! Being open about the pace you’d like to go? I think that’s wonderful. It shows that you know yourself and have taken care to communicate it to others. So letting someone know early that this is just your style and that it's positive can help them put it in that context, too.
One other thing I want to add is that self-acceptance can take some time. When we’ve spent years feeing negatively about aspects of ourselves, it won’t be an overnight shift into feeling great about them. So please see this as part of a journey and don’t be frustrated if some of your feelings stick around. Just be gentle with those feelings.
I want to make sure I’m focusing on things that are helpful to you - can you tell me going forward how I can support you? Are there more questions you have?