the guy I have been talking about in this thread actually texted me a month ago after i cut off contact. He apologized for disrespecting my boundaries, that he did not take enough care of my feelings and that he was intrusive in the way he communicated with me. Don't really know what i should think about it, his "apology" made me kinda angry. It took him half a year for that!!
Anyway, I basically responded that his behavoiur was shitty, and that I don't care for his apology since what he apologized for should be basic human decency! Furtermore I added that it was some kind of assault and that I do not want to discuss that. In generally, he should leave me alone and reflect on his behaviour.
I am quite proud of me to be so upfront about my boundaries, on the other hand I feel like I was accusing him of thing, being a "frigid feminazi" - what has happened to me would not fall into any category of assault. We hung out, and I KNEW that he was sending signals to me that he wanted to have sex with me and I KNEW that he was not a nice person, despite him saying he us a feminist. I could feel it from the beginning, but I did not could of contact since i was lonely and kinda afraid aswell, to say No for meeting again after seeing him first. (I actually hinted that I don't want to see him again, by saying that "I wasn't romantically interested" but he did not get the code, texted me again and so i gave in, kinda.) He did not pressure me, coerced me etc. At least not in an obvious way, maybe by being stone cold and being emotionally unavailable.
Anyway, what happened that night was that we hung out, chilling, and he said i could sleep at his couch since i did not want to go home, i agreed to it. Later he pulled me in a hug, we were laying on the sofa and it feld weird, i looked at him and he kissed me and i kissed back etc - and while he asked "is this okay?" it translated to "is this tolerable?" in my head. And it was tolerable, so I responded "yes", but it did not mean that I wanted it! Anyway, he got under my shirt, opened my bra etc and said stuff like "Say something if I am going to far" and something else, which implied having sex - even though I didn't say at anytime that U wanted it! However, i still touched him and engaged in it, faking pleasure etc because I thought i had to or whatever, I wasn't really thinking anything at that moment.
The one thing that really upset me is when he wanted to open my jeans and I said "not now" and some time later he just pulled my pants down and started to get down on me. It really baffled me.
Anyway, even during the "assault" I knew i did not want it, I knew that I could say no and I don't know, but I believe that if i just had say no very clearly, it would not have happened. I also never felt bad or utterly crushed about it. I feld a little icky afterwards and it simply made me really angry that somebody dismissed my boundaries, even though some would call it a "minor incident". I did not even cry.
I guess, all of these points and the fact that he did not violate me or coerce me openly or that no kind of penetration was involved, that I did not even feel the "right" emotions, makes me feel like I don't have the right to call it assault and that I am overreacting.
I also wanted to say thank you to scarleteen, since you shaped so much of my understanding of consent, boundaries and pleasure! Without scarleteen I would not have the confidence I have now and could not have assist my friends on finding their way, as I do. ❤