Hi! I'm a young adult who has, in the past few years, come out as bisexual to select friends and members of my family. I have never been in a real relationship before. The closest I got to one was when my best guy friend and I had mutual feelings for each other in high school. He acted on them, but I soon developed some very cold feet, which completely ruined our friendship through awkwardness. I would do anything to avoid that again.
Moving on to the present! I met my best friend ( we'll call her S ) on the Internet around four years ago. Since then, we have met in person twice over the last two years ( she lives around six hours away ) and have grown extremely close. We keep up text conversations all day, every day, stream movies and tv shows with one another, and feel comfortable enough to / have shared a large amount of personal information with each other. While S is unsure of a distinct label for herself, which is 100% okay, she knows that she is attracted to both boys and girls.
I began to feel differently towards S in the beginning of this year. Simple things, such as thinking about hugging her or holding her hand, made me blush and feel stereotypically fluttery inside. I began to listen to love songs and think about her, fantasize about kissing her, and more - all of which I felt and FEEL guilty for, because I haven't told her that I have romantic / etc. feelings for her. This is also when I found out that being attracted to a girl in such a heteronormative society is extremely hard. For awhile, even with obvious feelings of attraction towards S, I questioned if I really liked her, or if I was just being "weird" about our friendship, which is something I never did with my male friend from high school. It made coming to terms with my feelings for her that much harder.
The kicker is really this: heteronormative standards have clouded my judgement when it comes to trying to determine if she feels the same way. And, to add to that, sometimes I think she might. Not out of desperation, but because of things we do or say to each other that would be considered romantic for a straight couple. For example, she once texted me in the middle of the night telling me that she thought I was beautiful. Her tone was serious, and it was a very conflicting message to wake up to. Since then, S has complimented me on my appearance often. She has also sent me multiple songs over the years that I just "have to listen to" where the female singers allude to having feelings to girls. We say I love you often, call each other "wife" habitually, and even occasionally talk about cuddling, or, on rarer occasions, kissing. When we're together in person, we often holds hands, hug, or rest on each other's shoulders. S has even liked various posts of mine which vaguely allude to my feelings for her, or my feelings towards liking girls in general. All in all, when these things happen, it's done in a more serious manner. It never feels like a joke to me.
I've been grappling with this for awhile now, and have wanted to tell S my feelings towards her. The fear of looking creepy, clingy, or scaring her away altogether is what's holding me back. That, and the fact that I would likely be crushed if she didn't feel the same. I'm not quite sure what to do about all of this, but feel better knowing it's out in a way that I can receive any kind of feedback on it. Thank you!