Of all the posts you just made, this one stood out to me most:
It's exhausting..to keep having to ask to talk to guys and me trying to always fight for someone..I want to be fought for too..or cared about..I wish I didn't care so much.
I am not at all surprised you feel exhausted. I'd be surprised if you weren't!
I do think that some of that is about how much you are investing in this, for one, and how much you set up to ride on a boyfriend. In other words, you say you don't get the same validation from friends as from a boyfriend, and I suspect that's because you feel -- for whatever reason -- that a romantic relationship or response is more validating. The truth is, that's not objectively the case.
I mean, for one, you're worth all you are whether you have ANY relationships or not: your worth doesn't change whether or not you have a boyfriend, friends or family. All those people can give us things, but our own self-worth isn't one of them. I do think that if you can start making some changes when it comes to your elf-esteem and learning to give more of that to yourself you won't feel so desperate and exhausted from these relationships.
But it also sounds like, at least in this case, you've picked someone who it feels a little, to me, like you're chasing. For whatever the reason, it feels a bit like when you move forward, he backs out. Too, if you have to fight for someone to want to be with you all the time, that's not just how things are. That suggests to me that either that person just isn't all that into this, that you want things maybe a relationship just can't or won't give you, or both.
Now, some of his looking like he's constantly backing off might be his reaction to feeling how attached you are, and how insecure you seem to be feeling, but it also might be that this just isn't someone who is a good fit for you in terms of what you need. Everyone isn't a good fit for us just because we like them, you know? We're just not compatible with everyone. I do think that everything else aside, you'd likely feel a lot more secure and a lot happier with someone who was more open to really talking things through, in a supportive, caring and patient way, when there's conflict or when you're having tough feelings. I think you obviously need a partner who just is a lot more reassuring as a person than this person is.
I'm not sure why you feel like doing things you have already done is a reason not to do them, but if you aren't interested in those things anymore, by all means, you can certainly seek out new things. Let's try this: separate from romantic relationships, how do you like to spend your time? What do you do to express and enjoy yourself? Too, how about looking towards what you want for your life: what are your dreams and aspirations? What things that are important to you can you put your energy into the way you have put it into this relationship?
