Hi, I'm not sure if anyone can help with my situation but it's been on my mind all day. I just know that it's been on my mind all month and I'm sure I've talked just about everyone's ears off in my social circle. I have major anxiety so it's hard for me to really just rid of these thoughts. Anyhow, my boyfriend and I met online last April or May and we've been talking ever since. We've planned trips to the where he lives and here, where I live. We'd get in very small fights usually over tiny things like me being moody or him having a bad day, but recently since about the beginning of last month his aunt passed away. I wanted to be there for him, but he was so distraught about it I didn't heard from him for two days. Which I understood what was happening so I wasn't worried, my anxiety was fine. He reached out again and he sounded really sad, but one day I was going through my own problems and I needed someone to talk to and I told him about it and he disappeared for the whole day. And I guess it got to me, because in my mind I thought he was just ignoring me and my feelings so I got upset and when something's on my mind I text a lot. The next day he said sorry he just needed to be alone and I told him that it makes me upset when he just shuts down. This has happened twice, if he has a bad day, he'll just shut down out of no where. Which is where my past kind of comes in my ex was abusive and left me in a parking lot at midnight and I remember calling him multiple times and he never picked up his phone...he later texted me putting me down and cheated on me with his now wife, but that's a different story. I've also been ghosted every time since after my ex and it's been 4 years. I have yet to have anything successful whether I get anxious or not, sometimes the guys just leave in mid conversation. So I do get anxious with my now boyfriend when I don't hear from him in the middle of our conversations. Especially since he lives on the other side of the world and I know he also struggles with depression at times. So I'm always asking if he's okay if I don't hear from him...which I guess is a bad thing. I've told him that I'm aware of me being clingy and overwhelming and he's never told me that I was too much for him until we got in that fight. I heard from him after three weeks as I was about to delete everything and move on..because I assumed the worse, he had texted me, "Hey, I'm sorry I know it's been a while, but I can go if you want."
I wasn't sure how to respond..I had said that I was confused and asked if he knew how I felt and of course I didn't want him to go, but I wasn't sure if he still cared and my anxiety got to me and I asked if there was someone else because I haven't heard from him in 2 days now. I'm so used to talking to him everyday that when he stopped talking to me I went into shock because it felt like I was reliving all my past experiences. And I myself got depressed...because it made me feel like I wasn't important enough to even deserve an explanation for just disappearing...when I addressed it last time but I understand I can't control his behavior. But I didn't mention to him how hurt I felt...I also went through a lot of fights with my dad during that time and texted him during that...because he's always been there for me, even though I knew he wouldn't get back to me in that time. He's always been there for me and has always assured me that I wasn't a problem for him, but I'm not so sure anymore. I now feel unloved and uncared for and insecure about the relationship and I miss him and all we did together like Skype calls and movies. I just want things back to normal but I'm not sure what happened. I know my anxiety is bad, but it's making me feel unlovable and impossible to deal with. I talked about it with my therapist and all he told me was that I had an anxious attachment style and he thought that maybe my boyfriend has avoidant attachment. It was just so strange to have my boyfriend show me so much affection and care and withdraw and now seems distant maybe. I don't want to lose him but I'm not sure how he feels. I'm already thinking he won't even text me back again. I'm too scared to get my hopes up and too scared to speak to him any longer before I talk about how I feel again. Anyhow, I'd like things to be fixed between us but I think I've screwed up everything with my anxiety. I'm not even sure how to talk to him anymore or whether he'll talk to me again.