Scarleteen

I was wonder what kind of partner preferences are normal and healthy to have, for example, my personal partner preferences is that my partner does not drink alcohol or do rectional drugs in general?

Hi DArwin,

Those preferences aren't that unusual, in that you're not the first person I've seen (or known) who has them. Alcohol and drug use can be a really charged, personal issue for people, for lots of reasons. So, it's not that strange for people to develop preferences around the drug or alcohol usage habits of their potential partners.

In a more general sense, people basically get to have whatever preferences they want, about big things and little ones. But there are a few things to keep in mind. One is that the more specific preferences you have, the more you narrow down your pool of potential partners. Another is to check in with yourself about whether the preferences you have are realistic. For example, if your preference was for someone who never gets sick, you're basically looking for someone who doesn't exist. You also want to mindful of if those preferences are not really preferences but rather expressions of bad cultural messages (for instance, someone who says they will ONLY date white people is probably operating with racist notions) One other thing to keep in mind is that someone not meeting our preferences doesn't make them less worthwhile as a person or partner; it just means that they're not a the best match for us (I'm not saying you're doing that, just that's it's something to be aware of with preferences).

Ok, Thank you. How do you inform partners of your preferences and when do you?

is it ok to not follow your preferences if you like the person or know them well?

You're welcome! To your first question, it depends a lot on the preferences and on the situation. For instance, if you're someone who uses dating sites, people will often list things like preferences or deal-breakers on their profile. That way, people can see right away if there are things that they're looking for (or that they want to avoid) in a partner. Other preferences usually come up in getting-to-know-each-type conversations, or in more formal conversations about relationship expectations.

And yep, it's both okay and pretty common to have a preference decrease in importance when there's someone who you're otherwise really attracted to. Not to mention our preferences change at least a little bit throughout our lives as we learn new things about what we like, don't like, and what matters to us in relationships. Too, preferences aren't always as consistent as we assume they are. I even cover that idea in this article: https://www.scarleteen.com/blog/sam_w/2 ... _and_types

ok thank you

You're welcome!