He still does both, but I'm not super grossed out by it. The touching sometimes feels unwanted in situations, feels like nothing oder really feels super wanted. I just wouldn't ask him to touch me because I'm slightly shy in this matter and because I don't want him to know that I like the touch. However, when I'm enjoying it I cannot stand it for more than two minutes because knowing he might interprete it as me crushing on him, too. I would be totally okay being touched if he wouldn't have those feelings, behave differently, I wouldn't have to touch him and look at him. That's not a good base for any kind of relationship, I know that myself. Additionally, I feel discriminatory because he's slightly chubby, has a weird nose and is really hairy, and I'm simply not into that. My type is rather lanky and slim, but that's playing more into given beauty standards and sometimes I feel like I'm just not open enough for meeting people I could be attracted to. Because If he wouldn't look this way, I could maybe be dealing with his shyness and talk to him, but I'm just not into his body and I do not want to be. I'm afraid if I would talk to him, or spend any time with him I could fall in love with his personality even though I do not want to see him ever naked despite liking him touching me for a minute? It's a big f*cking mess.
I suspect my anger comes from seeing a reflection of my younger self in his behavior, because I used to have a low self confidence. However, now I'm pretty confident and usually I know my boundaries and emotions well. Additionally I don't like if someone's overly nice to me so early in the relationship. His best friend told me, too, that he likes me a lot platonicly and they invited me after I've met them for the first time, but being shown affection platonicly simply feels great. In general I don't have a problem with intimacy, I'm having great and close friendships, I simply don't like being super wanted. Especially by people I don't want to be wanted by, but I feel a little guilty for not experiencing the same he does.
The most popular thought in my head us that the angryness is my problem and my fault, and if there wouldn't be the wish for being mean to him, so that he stops, I could have fall in love. That's pretty silly, right?
I'm going to begin therapy next month due to a different matter but I'm already very excited! My therapist seems really kind and I hope she can help me with a couple of things I'm dealing with.