Part of why your ex's actions weren't okay was, as you've identified, your lack of clear and enthusiastic consent. As others have mentioned, sexual partners should be much more concerned about your well-being and health than their own sexual gratification, and it sounds like (for at least part of your relationship) your ex was on the wrong side of that fence. Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent
goes over consent and, perhaps more importantly in your case, signs of nonconsent that your ex should have recognized.
We're in the middle of a cultural revolution about consent and there's a lot more discussion and education (though, never enough!) about enthusiastic consent, which you and your ex may not have benefited from even just a few years ago. But I don't think your boyfriend falls into "clueless teenage boy" category. He has no excuse for acting the way he did. You mentioned multiple actions that seem pretty clearly wrong on his part:
-sex during which you just went stiff and weren't reacting in a positive way
-acknowledging that things didn't feel right but that he kept going anyway
-emotionally manipulating situations by making it all about him when you tried to process things
-telling you that you were selfish and you it was your fault if you were uncomfortable
-feeling you up in public spaces even after you pushed him off over and over
-getting angry when you didn't do what he suggested
-making you prove your trust
All of these actions are signs of abuse. Healthy relationships don't involve one partner manipulating the other emotionally, forcing sexual touch on them at any time (much less in public), or not listening to a person who is indicating (even nonverbally) that things are wrong. And again, because this can't be said enough - this was not your fault
. His actions were not your fault
. You are not responsible
for him taking ANY of these actions.Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
is an overview about abuse of all kinds, including emotional, physical, sexual, and dating abuse. I think we shared this one with you in the past, so this might be a review for you, but I think it might also validate you in the conclusions you've recently came to from your ex. I encourage you to read it and see what actions by your ex and/or your family might fall into some of these categories. And you've already done some of what the article recommends: standing up and advocating for yourself, so you should be really proud of yourself.
There is another great source here, LoveIsRespect.org, that talks about abuse in relationships. The page Types Of Abuse
includes a lot of actions by your ex.
In terms of healing...there are many resources available to you. I also encourage you to reach out to your local sexual assault center to ask them for support and resource. It's common to look back and trivialize our experiences. What you have described absolutely sounds like abuse, and I think you deserve to get help and support from a center that specializes in that.Pandora's Aquarium
offers support and community to all survivors if you ever want additional people to talk to. There's a post here (https://pandys.org/articles/2015/finding-a-therapist/
) all about finding a therapist that includes some questions to ask potential therapists. Think of yourself as interviewing therapists, and YOU get to decide who gets the job - so they need to impress you by answering some questions. You can ask them whatever you want over the phone before you decide whether you want to go in to meet them and try a session out. Some questions might be:
-have you worked with clients who have experienced sexual trauma in the past?
-Can you give me an example of how you would approach an issue like that?
-WIthout going into much detail, you can briefly describe your situation, and then say: "how would you approach treatment with me?"GirlsThrive
has stories from survivors, including their journey through healing.
Following trauma, it can be difficult to navigate your sexuality and sex with yourself or other partners (or it may not! Everyone responds differently). In case you're feeling that way, here are some resources about having sex after trauma: How do I figure out if I want to have sex? (Post-trauma)
This advice column has advice for overcoming and moving beyond all kinds of abuse. I think a lot of the suggestions in here might be helpful, for both the trauma with your ex and with your family. Navigating sex and sexuality after a long history of abuse and assault
Regarding calling your family - of course, you don't have to talk to them about this (or anything) if you don't want to. Would it be helpful to share it with them?