Thanks, I’ll definitely check out those articles you linked! And yeah, I think partly it’s due to my lack of experience, since I mainly have less sexual experience as well as more short-term dating experience instead of official, labeled, long-term relationships.Is the main thing that causes this dialogue in your head to happen about less experience that you might have compared to a potential partner? I know Sam has talked about this some with you in the responses above but it is a really common thing that people experience and so we have some more detailed advice columns diving into this topic if you wanted to see if there is anything in there that resonates with you
I guess my worry is that, even with all the positive things that I know I bring to the table, it somehow won’t be good enough for a potential partner— or like the negatives might outweigh the positives in their eyes. Makes me feel kinda hopeless about my dating prospects when I think about it that way tbh… which isn’t a fun feeling, you know?Or, if you feel comfortable sharing, are there other things about yourself that tend to surface when that more negative self-talk happens?
Yeah, I very much don’t wanna be with someone who thinks they know everything I want just because they have more experience… that actually sounds very not-fun at all. lolSuper flatly, my best advice is that if you ever feel these kinds of dynamic with someone you get involved with, and/or pick up on a sort of know-it-all attitude about being sexual with people? You might wanna just get gone. This just isn't generally someone who anyone is likely to have a particularly beneficial sexual experience with, IMHO.
This might be a silly question, but: how can one have sexual confidence if they don’t have much experience? I’m confident in other areas of my life, and I’d definitely like to be more confident sexually, but I’m not quite there yet.I've found that for myself the sweet spot of being comfortable in a sexual encounter/relationship + enjoying it at the fullest is when I'm a combination of confident [in that no matter how much experience I have compared to the other person, it doesn't matter, and confident in bringing up my checklist of boundaries, likes/dislikes, etc] and humbleness [not feeling like the experience I do have gives me any power because, again, it doesn't really matter since every new sexual partner is almost a blank slate]. If you can try to hit both of these, it'll give you a good attitude to go into it. I know it's easier said than done for us peeps with anxiety, but it's also okay to have this mentality but still have some anxiety/nerves around it!
OMG, my EMDR therapist and I were talking about how “perfect” is subjective! So it’s funny you mention that, because I’m realizing that that’s so true. And remembering that people who like or love me will have a different view than the harder one I have on myself sometimes, is also a helpful reminder, so thank you for that too.And regarding the "I can only be loved if I'm perfect" thoughts that are hard to undo since they stem from childhood, remember that 'perfect' is subjective and anyone who likes or loves you will have a different perception of you than the one you have of yourself. What you think makes you not-perfect will likely be something your partner will either not notice, not care about, or even find endearing. <3
I really like this idea of moving away from the mindset of it being “goal-oriented”. I definitely have worries of like, “Oh no, I’m gonna disappoint them! They’re gonna think I’m awful!” So, the idea of having a different mindset about going into sex (especially with someone new) is really refreshing to me.That's actually a really interesting question! I think it involves some of what we've been talking about in this thread, particularly around communication and shifting away from seeing sex as something very goal oriented. So, you could practice being confident (or do things that help you be more confident) in your ability to communicate with a partner, or your willingness to roll with the ways sex can be awkward or go in unexpected directions.
This reminds me of something my EMDR therapist told me a couple weeks ago! She told me how I was a good partner for the things I did to comfort my ex while they were dissociating, and I was like, “I mean, of course we would stop what we’re doing immediately, and I’d instead cuddle and reassure them that they have nothing to be sorry about… Like, why wouldn’t that be the thing to do?” And she reminded me that unfortunately not everybody does that in those kinds of situations, and how my ex had not experienced that level of care in the past given how much they were apologizing to me for dissociating.Too, it might help to think about what things help you feel confident--or that you're confident about--in non-sexual situations and how you could apply them to being with a partner. For instance, maybe you're really confident in your ability to help someone feel comfortable, or to be a good listener, or adjust to new information on the fly. Those are all big parts of creating a good sexual experience for you and a partner, you know?