Thank you, Emily. It felt really good and validating to read that, that feeling like this isn't an okay thing to resign to long-term, that things need to change.
As to asking during sex: I have certainly tried a few times, and I know I could do a lot better with doing this more. A few things get in the way: from the start I feel focused on him and it takes my body to warm up to being curious about much touch, and by the time it's been a while of kissing or touching and I'm feeling like it might be fun to try something focused on me, I feel like we are already "in too deep" in starting to center the experience on pleasuring him, and that backing out now would be disappointing, uncomfortable, like leading him on, and well, this is fun too, so let's keep doing this. Another thing is that after he has an orgasm he's immediately tired, worn out, and "done," you know? Maybe once he tried to touch me halfheartedly afterwards because I'd asked earlier but I knew his heart wasn't in it and told him to stop. Just for the sake of trying new things, once or twice I've tried using a vibrator after he finishes just to try to share that experience and see what that feels like together, but it always feels weird in that I know (as he told me afterwards) he feels useless and upset watching me (he's aware that toys are friends not competition and doesn't object to my using them, but trying to experiment with them just a couple times has felt like pulling teeth), and the other time or two he just fell asleep while I did it, which made me feel really alone.
(I'll add that I've always struggled with sexual pleasure, and pleasure generally as a lifelong depressed person, but I have put a ton of work into this in the past year, getting meds, reading books, talking here and with friends, persistently exploring and experimenting and learning with what can feel good to me. I went from never having experienced any ounce of anything like sexual pleasure to now feeling reasonably confident I can enjoy some aspects of it, even if it's different or seems much milder than others' experience. I finally sorted out how to have an orgasm after maybe six months of trying with a vibrator. For another several months they were always entirely pleasureless and even mildly uncomfortable. Now they range from neutral to very mildly pleasant, but have a defined shape I can point to and say yeah, that's what that is. I'm still working on getting to the same place "acoustically," and based on progress so far I feel like it is going to take me many months all over again, and I'm okay with that. I'm enjoying the exploration and learning about myself and I don't feel the need to rush to "accomplish" it. My point here is that pleasure has always been tricky for me, as context for the next point.)
The other thing that makes things tricky in changing the current default give-receive dynamic is that, well... for him receiving is simply easy. For me it's really hard. The entire mental exercise of it wears me out, always trying to stay alert and present in some way, the only tiny present part of my brain consumed by the need to perform pleasure, watching myself move and vocalize, not ever outright lying or manufacturing anything, just feeling far away and like I'm magnifying everything to several times its size. As opposed to masturbation, I always feel way more distant during partner sex focused on touching me, like I'm trying to understand words from a few feet underwater, or being touched very softly on the very surface through a thick wool blanket. I just always feel so far away, and my tiny scrap of presence and energy is used on constantly trying to be more present, to feel less far away, to react and encourage and move and respond, to try to stay alert and keep paying attention (my brain isn't drifting off to anything, I'm not having thoughts, not thinking about homework or things I have to do, I'm just far away and continually have to try to metaphorically shake myself to stay present and pay attention). And the other thing making his harder is a sort of desperate scarcity mindset, that this happens so infrequently I need to use my chance right, I need to receive *right*, I need to be alert and attentive and responsive because this almost never happens and this is my only chance and so I have to squeeze it for all it's worth and oh no, I'm not doing it right, I'm messing it up by not being present and genuine and this is why I won't get any more tries. Physically speaking my body is so, so very numb too -- obviously I am not the world's grandest font of presence, relaxation, and pleasure when alone, but I am improving and I am much better than this. Even identical forms of stimulation (like, say, a vibrator, with me controlling it) that might be a little bit enjoyable and/or lead to orgasm alone, feel absolutely entirely numb with him there, and it takes literal hours of pleasureless stumbling to try to get to an unenjoyable and upsetting orgasm, and then I am upset with myself for wasting so much time, and I know orgasm is not the goal but I just wanted to experience it with him there once or twice just to see what it might be like, so that's why I tried it those couple of times, and it would end with me stumbling around forever entirely numb and him upset or asleep.
I am aware of all my above tendencies and distortions and have told him about all of them and am doing my best to work on them alone, but I think it's probably fair to say that some of those things can only most effectively be worked on through... practice with another person? Seeing it proven that no, this isn't the last time, this isn't a scarce thing, you don't have to do it perfectly this time, you'll get another chance regardless? That it's okay to be and respond just as I am? The space to try different things to be more present, less tense, less numb? I'm certainly open to more ideas on how to work on this front, by the way.
I'm a dancer, and a peer that taught me a lot told me when she wants to get a lot better fast, she keeps just one goal in the back of her mind for the night when she steps onto the social floor. Right now, for me with masturbation (and existing as a physical body more generally) that's trying to be less tense, as I'm seeing the sheer amount of permanent muscle tension that are causing me pain in various ways (I don't know how I feel about the term vaginismus but practically speaking I can't get anything into my vagina without pain and nothing is physically wrong with me, my TMJ is awful, shoulders always hurt, etc). Besides the general constant tension, I'm learning that tensing up when trying to experience sexual pleasure doesn't serve me and I am slowly learning to relax and let go and try to just be present with myself and relaxed. And I'm getting better at it and enjoying the process. So I'm certainly doing all I can at a time to work on bits and pieces of it, but I feel like a lot of that... would most benefit by practice and the reassurance of actual change that this is not a scarce thing.
I've also made it abundantly clear that I just want to receive physical attention sometimes, but it doesn't have to be anything generally recognized as sexual: I'd love it if he rubbed my shoulders or massaged my back or just spent a while touching or kissing me sometime. Each time I have this conversation I touch on all of the above and emphasize that there is a wide range of options, that I'm not expecting a certain result, I'm not grading him, I just want him to touch me sometimes. And he listens and understands and apologizes and it somehow seems like it fades away each time.
It's only been 2 weeks since the last one of these, so it's a bit premature and unfair of me to bring it up again now, I think, as we barely see each other. Still, in the few times we do, I see the balance is subtly the same: the same sort of sex a couple times, then a night where I massage him, a couple nights when I put lotion on his sunburnt arms. I always try to be the change by demonstrating what I want, being the one to suggest and try new things, and it's only a timeframe of a couple of weeks and maybe ~4 interactions.
Still, I think it probably isn't unreasonable that I am going to keep feeling weird and sad on this front until I see consistent demonstrated change for a while and can slowly relax into knowing things are different now. Similarly, I will feel better about the way we never see each other when things have actually changed and we have consistently spent time together for a while. On a meta level, I'm upset that I'm not going to get those things for another four months now, and I need to find other ways to make it hurt less.
I also still feel confused and hurt about the forgetting thing. I asked about it, I asked him to explain it, I still don't understand it. How do you forget the things your partner keeps seriously asking for until they sit you down again, half a dozen times over? Hearing that really made the sad heavy feelings louder. I can say I believe it out loud or in my brain but my body doesn't feel like it trusts that things will be better, you know?
Thank you for reading and letting me get all my thoughts are here. I know these have been long-winded; there have been many times over the last months I think to post here again, start drafting a post, see how long it is, and change my mind and say maybe later, lol