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please read and tell me I should be okay with this

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2021 9:13 am
by Korey
I am writing this because I want to know what others would do if you were in my shoes. I have been seeing this boy for the last few weeks, and it was yesterday where we started fooling around and he told me that we could go to his place. Now I am thinking we are going to have sex, and I was okay with this. We get to his house and his dad is home, and now I am thinking that we are not going to have sex. My partner introduces me to his dad, his dad is a very polite guy and I am comfortable with both of them. So my partner takes me to his bedroom, and I was surprised by this but I am okay, we get into his bedroom and he shuts the door and he tries to make out with me. NOW I AM NOT going to do this with his dad being home, but he tells me that his dad is okay with it! UUUUMMM OOOOOOK!!! We leave the bedroom, and I am going to leave because I am not comfortable, but his dad offers to leave himself, it was 20 seconds of me telling them I am leaving and him telling me it's okay and he will leave.
I leave and I go home. I chat with my partner about all of this and he apologizes for what happened and tells me that his dad is okay with girls coming over, his dad prefers that he have a safe place instead of sneaking around. And IF A NEXT TIME happens his dad will not be at the house.
WHAT SHOULD I THINK OF THIS!?!?!? LMAO!!! I am with a nice polite partner and his dad is nice and polite but HIS DAD is okay with us having sex and my partner was going to have sex with me with his dad being home! But his dad was willing to leave, but by that point it already felt creepy for me.
MY PARENTS WOULD FREAK!! And my parents would NEVER allow something like this. But maybe his dad is doing the right thing here???
I am not breaking up with him, and I will see him later today, but going to his place isn't going to happen.
And I don't know how many girls have been at his place, but maybe they were okay with his dad knowing? And this is my 5th partner, and I would have to sneak around with my other 4 other partners when we had sex, but maybe having a safe place is a good thing???
Has anybody on here been in my shoes? What did you do? How do you have sex with you know the parent is in the other room, or even knowing that the parent knows???

Re: please read and tell me I should be okay with this

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2021 9:22 am
by Heather
Hey there, Korey.

There's no one right way to feel or think about this. You both get to have whatever feelings you do AND you also get to decide what you want and need when it comes to the setting you want/need for anything sexual in your life.

Honestly, this is how my Dad was, and we lived in a small apartment the years we lived together so yeah, when I was having sex with partners, it was pretty much with my Dad right in the other room sometimes. Culturally, in plenty of places, it's pretty normal for parents to be relaxed about sex like this (and I would agree that it really is ideal -- sex isn't something anyone should have to be sneaky about or hide). It's also common in plenty of places for parents NOT to be like this about sex at all, so you having the kind of parents who aren't is normal, too.

That all said, like I said, you still get to have whatever you want and need when it comes to privacy. Just because his Dad is cool being in the house doesn't mean you have to be comfortable with someone else that nearby: wanting more space and privacy than that to be sexual with someone else is totally fine and also understandable. Plenty of people do. If you want to ask to only be sexual when his Dad isn't home, for any reason, you get to do that.

As far as being okay with knowing his parent knows, that's really a different conversation. Can you tell me why you feel uncomfortable with his Dad knowing he has sex with people? And maybe can you fill me in on what sort of boundaries you want around that? talking them through might help you be able to voice them to him.

Re: please read and tell me I should be okay with this

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2021 2:20 pm
by Korey
How was your dad okay with that? Did the guys talk to your dad at all? Did you walk in with him and say hi to your dad and go to the bedroom? My dad won't even talk to me about sex, and my parents probably don't even know that I'm having sex. No boy has ever even been in my bedroom.
And you are very honest with me, can I ask were you always comfortable with sex knowing your dad was around the corner? Where you quiet when you were having sex? How old were you?

The uncomfortable part for me was the embarrassment. It's not his dad knowing that his son is having sex it's his dad knowing that I'm going to be the one he has sex with. They were both very comfortable with this, but my sex life is very private. Sex for me has been this game of trying to find the spot to make it happen, this was the first time where I could walk in and do it. Having an adult be okay with it and having that adult be in the apartment at the same time was a deep shock for me, all I wanted to do was get out of there, and it was embarrassment over anything else. Right now I can't even picture myself getting undressed in that bedroom.
I do like this partner, and I do like his dad, I'm not going to run away from this. The boundary is going to be his dad not being there, but his dad knowing about me and knowing that i want sex is already tough.
I see my partner in about 30 minutes, it's going to be a good talk.

Re: please read and tell me I should be okay with this

Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2021 9:19 am
by Heather
Hey there, Korey. I hope your talk went well.

I'm happy to talk to you about how it was for me, but it'd probably be helpful if I clear up some assumptions first that might be confusing things a bit! For one, my friends were people of all genders, and the same was also true of my sexual partners. I can't see my father telling me not to have people of any gender not in my room, period, that's just not who he is, nor would he have assumed that if I had guys in my room, those guys were ever going to be anything more than just my friends. He wouldn't have assumed that because he knew some of my guy-platonic friends well, but he also wouldn't have assumed that as someone who himself had friends of all genders, you know? But it also would have been extra ridiculous to have those kinds of rules for me as a queer kid: it would have meant I wouldn't have been allowed to be alone with anyone, of any gender, ever! Yipes.

My parents, who split up when I was really young, were really different people. This never would have been how it was with my mom. On the other hand, my Dad -- who I moved in with right before I turned 16 -- was just very relaxed about sex and sexuality, so yeah, we talked about it, and his view was what sounds a lot like the Dad of your boyfriend: he'd rather I was at home, safe, than outside, or sneaking around, or at someone's house whose parents might be awful to us. We also had a pretty big agreement about this: I was very much expected to be responsible when it came to my own sexual health, a good person with my partners, etc. It's likely also worth mentioning that I was someone who had been through a lot of trauma and had survived suicide attempts, to boot: I can't think of anything positive my father would have gotten in the way of when it came to me if that thing was something that would bring me joy and not do anyone harm. That's the stuff that keeps you wanting to live, after all, you know?

Did we sometimes say hi and just walk to the bedroom? Not usually, because that's kind of rude IMO when someone else is home and you're a guest and bringing a guest. If my Dad was home and I brought someone home, be it a friend or a partner, we'd usually hang out with my Dad first, maybe have dinner if it was dinnertime, whatever, before/if we went off alone. If we were sexual, were we quiet? We tried to be, because again, manners. And also: comfort, because yeah, it would have felt weird otherwise. But sometimes I wasn't comfortable, so would either wait until my Dad went to sleep (it was okay for me to have people sleep over), or out, or would have people over when he wasn't home, instead. For sure, I'd say it felt much more ideal when he wasn't there and was what I preferred, and sometimes what people I was with did too. Other times, people didn't care.

I can hear how this situation and even having an adult know you and know that you're their kid's sexual partner might make you uncomfortable. Not being raised with even talk about it inserts a lot of shame into a person's sense of sexuality, and certainly can make you feel like -- separate from the privacy you want, which may or may not be related to this -- something that should be hidden or kept secret. You might worry about being thought less of, disrespected, sexually objectified, or other things that can come from having felt like sex was stigmatized and them BAM! -- finding yourself in this kind of situation, and without warning, no less. I'm not surprised it felt like a shock (and also not surprised your boyfriend didn't say anything ahead of time, since it sounds like this has been his normal, so he might have been equally unprepared for yours). I'm sorry that you felt and may still feel so uncomfortable. That really stinks.

Re: please read and tell me I should be okay with this

Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2021 11:25 am
by Korey
Heather, I'm glad you're still here on this earth. I had a cousin who committed suicide a couple years ago, and I don't know why.

Bad segway here but the talk I had with my boyfriend was good but I was doing it all wrong. I requested that his dad not be there and that was okay but after reading your post I can see how I'm being disrespectful about this. So I texted my boyfriend to see if I can come on over for dinner with both of them and now I'll be going over there tomorrow for lunch with the both of them. It's his house, and he is a nice guy, and reading your post shows me that I'm wrong on not wanting him there.
My boyfriend also made a point that we could have sex everyday if we wanted to, and my parents wouldn't even know the difference. I could have more sex in one week than I have have in the last 6 months.
And I shocked him just as much when I wanted to leave. I think we both said sorry to each other a few times.
Thanks for saying everything you did. I am not as uncomfortable right now.

Re: please read and tell me I should be okay with this

Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2021 11:56 am
by Heather
What a lovely thing to say to me, thank you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've lost people that way, too, and I know how much it can hurt.

I'm sure that you didn't do anything wrong here: you sound really thoughtful and like you've been doing your best to work this through while having a lot of feelings, most of them brand new and very unexpected. But I also think that going over there like that is a great idea, and I hope most of all that doing that can help you feel more comfortable, regardless of whatever you decide around what you want to do when it comes to sex. Feeling ashamed someone knows you're someone else's sexual partner isn't a good way to feel: there's nothing shameful about it, and I hope even if it's little by little, you can get to feeling more okay about it.

It really sounds to me like you're doing fantastically with all of this, and I'm glad to have been able to help. I'm happy to keep talking, or, if you're good, you know where to find/me us in the future. :)

Re: please read and tell me I should be okay with this

Posted: Mon Aug 02, 2021 2:26 pm
by Korey
Heather, let me know that you read this.
I had to tell you that lunch with them was great, dad left afterwords but nothing happened and instead we watched a quiet place part 2, lol!
But today I did go over and have sex with my boyfriend, without dad being there because he was working.
I think I needed a few days to digest what was going on, and I needed somebody like you to tell me that there's nothing new about this.
And your dad sounds super awesomO! I wish my dad could be a little bit more open about sex and boys, make it more comfortable.
Just had to let you know.

Re: please read and tell me I should be okay with this

Posted: Mon Aug 02, 2021 2:43 pm
by Heather
I'm so glad that lunch went well! And I'm really, really glad, most of all, that you feel entitled to the boundaries that YOU need. What other people are comfortable with is what other people are comfortable with -- what's most important for each of us is that we have what WE are comfortable with, even if we'd rather we were more comfortable with something else, you know?

I hope that no matter what, just being in a relationship that takes place in a family where you know that no one thinks any less of you because you're someone's sexual partner is something positive and beneficial for you. <3