Hey girlplayer34! It does sound like you've put quite a bit of thought into this. From your last post, I inferred that you've had some bad life experiences with betrayal and letting your guard down around people who ultimately didn't care to respect your vulnerability. I'm truly sorry if that's the case. Trusting is one of the hardest things humans must do, but it's also the most natural thing for humans to do, and I think that your cynicism (which, btw, is not a bad word. It's not a word I'm using to dismiss your views of the possibility of romantic love, in fact it's a perfectly valid standpoint to have, and it's a standpoint that most of us adopt, to some extent, as time goes by and personal disappointments and frustrations inevitably accumulate) makes sense if that's how your life experiences and environment have been. What you have some amount of control over, however, is the connections you will make in the future. And the issue with holding cynical views (no matter how safe they keep you from betrayal) is that they usually foreclose the possibility of your identifying potential intimacy and then putting in the work required to build a spark into a flame into a steady fire.
Also, I get that you're a private person, and that you don't let "complete strangers judge" you, but your friends aren't strangers, right? And it's highly possible that your yearning for romantic connection comes from a lack of satisfying friendships in your life, which is exceedingly common. I don't know whether or not you're familiar with the term amatonormativity
, which refers to "the assumption that the traditional view of romantic relationships: a monogamous relationship where the parties are married, live together, and have children in a nuclear household, is the highest form of satisfaction one can achieve in life, and that all people strive for this type of relationship". Amatonormativity is the social construct thanks to which the vast majority of us mistakenly believe that platonic relationships are inferior to romantic relationships, because apparently your romantic partner is the only other human being on this earth who understands you completely, who knows you completely, and in front of whom you can magically be vulnerable. That's a bunch of nonsense, of course. The thing is--practically every single informal relationship in the world starts with friendship. Even if you meet a stranger on the train and there's an instant "spark" or whatever (which is just sexual attraction, mind you, coupled with a good deal of projection, there's nothing cosmically significant about it, unless you CHOOSE to make it significant), building that spark into something meaningful takes friendship, or at least friendly behaviors and activities. If you leave it up to the cosmos/fate/chance, you're going to be waiting a long time for a love interest to show up.
I speak from experience when I tell you that yearning for the official Romantic Experience™ is futile and damaging, because it's nothing more than a product that's been packaged and sold to you by other people and media, and it's also preventing you from building a version of romantic connection that's authentic and all yours. Human relationships are built through choice, and through labor, and over time. "Ideal matches" are as flimsy as those nonsensical daily horoscopes in the paper, until both individuals choose each other, on purpose, and then build their matchy-matchiness into something more substantial than that phrase. Sure, sometimes we meet and just click with certain people in certain settings, but that's never an indication that your temperaments/needs will be evenly matched in every aspect of existence. Sounding like a broken record here, but I want you to remember that good relationships of any sort are constructed, brick by brick, through layer after layer of trust, affection, loyalty, and all that other good stuff. Those calculations in your last post--where did you get them from? The values seemed kind of arbitrary, and you don't deserve a bunch of random numbers making you sad! Please ditch those digits, because the view that there's a limited number of ideal matches in this world is a capitalist myth. There's an abundance of love out there. All you have to do is choose it, and take it as it comes, instead of trying to fit it into the amatonormative cookie-cutter mold that's been shoved down our throats since we were little.
Last thing--you mentioned being afraid that your friends would make fun of you for not having had sex yet. Have their previous actions proved that they'd be that shitty? If yes, then I totally understand why you lied. If not, then would you like to talk about why you think not having had sex yet is shameful? I'm here for that conversation.