Sam W wrote:Hi MusicNerd,
Doing about as well as I can over in the desert! And I'm glad to hear you're in a relationship that's making you happy.
In terms of talking about exclusivity, would you feel more comfortable telling him in person? And what if you came at it from a very direct, open angle? So, saying you're really enjoying getting to know him and date him, and you're realizing you're interested in being exclusive, and then asking how he feels about that. That might help the conversation develop naturally.
Sam W wrote:I think it might help to treat his interest in you as genuine, just to avoid psyching yourself out. Is it possible he's just killing time with you? Technically, yes. But if he's acting excited to talk with you and is excited at the prospect of seeing you, I'm inclined to treat that as genuine unless you're picking up on things that suggest otherwise.
If you feel more comfortable bringing this up over text, that's certainly something you can do! There are pros and cons to both in-person conversations and text ones, but right now it might help to pick the one that would make it easiest for you to say what you need or want to say.
Heather wrote:Hey there, glad to hear about this!
Just wanted to add on a little something, which is that you also have the option of talking about exclusivity as something you ultimately want, but that -- so long as this is true -- you don't need right now if it's something he also wants, but isn't there yet. In other words, if part of what's freaking you about having this conversation is that you don't feel ready to ask for this right this second, you can talk about it without asking for it right now, but instead talk about it as a thing you want soon or in the future, and want to find out how he feels about it.
Heather wrote:Totally, and you you can also be specific about that sooner rather than later part, too.
I certainly generally feel like -- for me, anyway -- that by about a couple months of dating, I will want to get a sense of where something is going per how it's going to fit in my life if I'm going to keep it around. So, knowing what I know about what I want with all of the kinds of relationships I do, and then having conversations to find out more about where that thing may fit with those at that point? That's usually something I'm doing about than. Everyone's different, obviously, and so are the timelines with all kinds of relationships and interactions. Some also make this stuff more apparent than others, either because those conversations are happening more organically, or because you both just know these things about each other and the relationship you're having so far already.
So, I also think some of this is about figuring out what you feel like you need to know about this at this point in time per where you might want to head with it and where it can head (in terms of what this other person wants and what your sense of the relationship is so far as what kind(s) it is, and where it seems like it can go or fits best in your lives).
Heather wrote:Exactly. Again, I think this is individual, but it's about figuring out where you are with your own pacing in terms of your emotional investment, and what you need to know when. At some point, we just gotta know things because there often comes a point where we need to know if we should (or want to) keep opening up in certain ways, or if we should take a different turn, or shut it all down, etc.
Sounds like you've got a good foundation for these conversations!
Emily N wrote:Hi MusicNerd! I just want to acknowledge how awesome it is that you recognized what you want and need out of a romantic relationship right now, and then were able to communicate to ask if his goals align with yours. Especially when it requires being vulnerable I’m glad to hear that he is also a good communicator and responded well!
Mo wrote:I'm definitely glad to hear you were able to start that conversation! I also struggle with this sort of thing, sometimes, so I know it can feel super intimidating.
Sam W wrote:Hi MusicNerd,
Since it sounds like the two of you are otherwise communicating pretty well, it might help to assume that his interest in you, and his desire to stay in a relationship with you are genuine. If he were showing a lot of signs of disinterest or detachment, that might indicate something else, but that doesn't seem to be what's going on here.
It sounds like you've hinted or suggested at not wanting to be the only person setting up virtual dates. Have you gone even more explicit and said something like, "hey, it's important to me that we both initiate hang outs. Is that something you're up for doing?"
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