Always Come Back

Questions and discussions about relationships: girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, partners, friends, family or other intimate relationships in your lives.
idk anymore
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Always Come Back

Unread postby idk anymore » Mon Feb 08, 2021 2:49 pm

So, as of 4-5 years ago, I've liked this one person on and off. About once every 6-12 months, I'll start liking this same person again and will for about a month, after which I'm rejected. This rarely ends amicably because i'm a self centered egotistical prick and usually ends with our friendship in tatters. However, I always rekindle the friendship with them, because they are a genuinely good person, and inevitably start liking them some time later. I've liked other people in these last few years, but I always come back to this one person. They've never liked me in the way I like them and they don't lead me on or anything. So why do I keep coming back? Why am I so fixated on this one person?
I hate the word homophobia. It's not a phobia. You're not scared. You're an asshole.

~Morgan Freeman

Mo
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Re: Always Come Back

Unread postby Mo » Mon Feb 08, 2021 5:55 pm

Is there something in particular about this person that you find really attractive or compelling? When things are good between you, does it feel like a strong friendship? If you have a lot of positive associations with this person I can understand why those feelings would persist for a long time.
What is it that makes things "end" or go badly between the two of you? Has it been the same sort of conflict every time it's happened?

idk anymore
not a newbie
Posts: 81
Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2020 7:22 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I have a pretty good sense of humor
My primary language: English
My pronouns: He/Him
My sexual identity and orientation: Pan, mostly
Location: Epping, NH

Re: Always Come Back

Unread postby idk anymore » Tue Feb 09, 2021 8:59 am

I mean, not particularly. There are a lot of people who I find much more significantly attractive then them, that I have absolutely no feelings for. When it comes to them being compelling, I can't really identify anything other than the fact that they are genuinely nice to me. However, a bunch of other people are genuinely nice to me and I don't have any feelings for them either.

Define strong friendship. They are nice to me. I trust them and they trust me. But we don't spend a whole lot of time together, not nearly as much as I do with some of my best friends.

I don't have more positive associations with them then I do most other people, and I never have in the past.

The thing that makes things go badly is my over-inflated ego gets in the way, I get mad about something small and insignificant, and I stop talking to them. Like I said above, being a prick. This doesn't always happen, sometimes I'll just stop talking to them as much and then we sort of just fade out, but usually it's my fault.

I hope that's helps any.
I hate the word homophobia. It's not a phobia. You're not scared. You're an asshole.

~Morgan Freeman

idk anymore
not a newbie
Posts: 81
Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2020 7:22 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I have a pretty good sense of humor
My primary language: English
My pronouns: He/Him
My sexual identity and orientation: Pan, mostly
Location: Epping, NH

Re: Always Come Back

Unread postby idk anymore » Tue Feb 09, 2021 9:04 am

I guess I do like their general personality. Probably more then anyone else, now that I think about it.
I hate the word homophobia. It's not a phobia. You're not scared. You're an asshole.

~Morgan Freeman

idk anymore
not a newbie
Posts: 81
Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2020 7:22 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I have a pretty good sense of humor
My primary language: English
My pronouns: He/Him
My sexual identity and orientation: Pan, mostly
Location: Epping, NH

Re: Always Come Back

Unread postby idk anymore » Tue Feb 09, 2021 9:07 am

Also, is there anything I can do to move on. I've tried everything I can. Straight up ignoring them is the only things that really works, but at a small school like mine, it's really hard to avoid someone. Eventually I end up linking back up with them, and falling for them.
I hate the word homophobia. It's not a phobia. You're not scared. You're an asshole.

~Morgan Freeman

Sam W
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Re: Always Come Back

Unread postby Sam W » Tue Feb 09, 2021 9:10 am

Hi idk anymore,

It does sound, then, like you have a lot of positive associations with this person, even if they're not the friend you spend the most time with. And sometimes crushes don't follow perfect logic; two people can treat us similar ways, or have similar traits, and we can end up with romantic feelings for one and not the other.

Are the things that tend to end the relationship, like the getting mad over small things and cutting them off, things you want to work on and try to stop doing? And do you want to get to a place where this is a friendship that can continue? Or would you rather keep the friendship ended?

idk anymore
not a newbie
Posts: 81
Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2020 7:22 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I have a pretty good sense of humor
My primary language: English
My pronouns: He/Him
My sexual identity and orientation: Pan, mostly
Location: Epping, NH

Re: Always Come Back

Unread postby idk anymore » Tue Feb 09, 2021 1:33 pm

I mean, yes, I do want to not be an ass. I'm always trying to improve and I'm working on it. However, I'm not that upset about the friendship ending. Not really sure why that is come to think of it. They are a good friend and I'd rather have them in my life then not. But I'd also rather not be hung up on someone who's never going to be able to reciprocate my feeling for them
I hate the word homophobia. It's not a phobia. You're not scared. You're an asshole.

~Morgan Freeman

idk anymore
not a newbie
Posts: 81
Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2020 7:22 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I have a pretty good sense of humor
My primary language: English
My pronouns: He/Him
My sexual identity and orientation: Pan, mostly
Location: Epping, NH

Re: Always Come Back

Unread postby idk anymore » Tue Feb 09, 2021 1:39 pm

And, to be clear, I have never been in a relationship with them. Sorry if I worded that badly in the past. I always have feelings for them, and they don't, and usually our friendship will end some time after.
I hate the word homophobia. It's not a phobia. You're not scared. You're an asshole.

~Morgan Freeman

Mo
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 1995
Joined: Thu Jul 31, 2014 2:57 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: I'm always wearing seriously fancy nail polish.
My primary language: English
My pronouns: he/him, they/them
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Re: Always Come Back

Unread postby Mo » Tue Feb 09, 2021 4:47 pm

Have you been able to talk with them at all about this pattern of conflict and the friendship ending? When you reconcile and go back to being friends, what does that look like; are you discussing what happened before or just falling back into earlier patterns of socializing without talking about your earlier falling out?

idk anymore
not a newbie
Posts: 81
Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2020 7:22 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I have a pretty good sense of humor
My primary language: English
My pronouns: He/Him
My sexual identity and orientation: Pan, mostly
Location: Epping, NH

Re: Always Come Back

Unread postby idk anymore » Wed Feb 10, 2021 9:13 am

I mean I apologise. But other than that, no. It's not really their fault. I feel like talking about it would either be blaming them for a part of it, or me just apologizing more. Do you disagree?
I hate the word homophobia. It's not a phobia. You're not scared. You're an asshole.

~Morgan Freeman

Sofi
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Re: Always Come Back

Unread postby Sofi » Wed Feb 10, 2021 9:45 am

You're not wrong that it might end up that way, of course it might seem like that to them. However, they might also appreciate you opening up and being honest and vulnerable in a way. You can make sure you reitirate that you're not blaming them for it at all, this is simply you sharing so they know the full picture.


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