I thought maybe I should start another thread since my last one was getting pretty long, and since I'm no longer a newbie. I also didn't know which category would be the most appropriate, and thought maybe this one since friendships are also relationships.
I mentioned in my last thread that I hung out with a new guy for the first time a few days ago, not as a date, but I am interested in him and we are going to hang out again next week. I had a really good time. When we were scheduling our hang out, he wanted to meet early in the week, which I thought nothing of, but when we talk about meeting again, he suggests later in the week, but then I said that next week would work better. I think it may have been me trying to set up a boundary so I could process what happened. He wasn't being pushy about hanging out sooner, he was very friendly and chill about it.
When I think back, I'm beginning to wonder if he wanted to see me early in the week because he wanted to see me sooner, and if the same applies for him originally suggested to meet later in the week, which makes me wonder if he reciprocates my feelings any. I don't want to jump to conclusions, especially since I'm not even ready to start another relationship yet, and want to keep an open mind that when I do start dating again, it could be with a completely different person. When we were hanging out, I was waiting for him to tell me that he was gay or something, especially after I started talking about my being gender nonbinary and my family's acceptance, but he never did. I just wanted to make sure he knew how to refer to me, and if he was gay, there would be no pressure when it came to hanging out. It's hard to say who was more enthusiastic about hanging out, and I'm excited, and I want it, but at the same time I'm a little scared, especially about how my last relationship went.
I should mention that my therapist told me that he thinks that I do have PTSD after my last relationship, health problems, and sexual harassment. Since we hang out, I have been having a series of nightmares about being bullied, including one where he was gaslighting me and tried to hurt me physically. It's not always him in the dreams, last night I dreamed that a teacher who was in my high school was constantly verbally bullying me, including after questions about my underwear. I don't know why the teacher, I never had issues with them when I was in high school.
I'm trying not to overthink it, but last night was the fourth night in a row I have had these dreams. I don't remember all of them, but they had something to do with it. I'm sure it's my anxiety manifesting itself. I am speaking to my therapist tomorrow. The guy doesn't know anything about my past yet, and I don't want to tell him anything right now, but if we keep hanging out I'm going to have to tell him sooner or later.
I like him, but I feel conflicted. I shouldn't even have to say this, but the idea of being in a relationship with someone who will treat me with respect feels like a novelty. I never really stopped to think how I would react if he reciprocated my feelings, and I'm beginning to suspect it, but I don't want to jump to conclusions. It seems weird that even though I like him, I don't know if I would want to date him, not yet at least. I had a really good time with him, but I'm still anxious about hanging out again.