Thank you for your reply, Sam! In my school and home, sex before marriage was always like "the ultimate sin" and to never do it or you weren't a true "Christian", so I've always felt shame whenever it came to anything remotely sexual because it was ingrained that I didn't love God and that I was "unworthy". I know how stupid this sounds now and don't feel "unworthy in God's eyes" when it comes to Jackson and me, but there's still that little bit of guilt that I'm battling with when we have sex (something I'm also working on with my therapist).
And yeah, I've never liked my body or the way I look and it's always been the issue for my regular self confidence, and before Jackson, I had literally no idea what sexual confidence actually meant until I realized I had none. There's also the expectations I feel like I have to live up to since I'm not his first sexual partner (he and I have both been tested and we're both clean) so I'm always worried that I'm not as good as his other partners before I came along. He and even my therapist told me that my fear of not being good is silly since he's my first for practically everything and I'm still new to basically everything.
In regards to initiating, he said he would like for me to take the lead when we kiss/make-out, and also during sex/other intimate things. I understand his feelings cause if the roles were reversed, then I'd tell him I would like him to take the lead and initiate.
It's my disliking of my body, the fear that I'm not going to be good at stuff, and the small voice in the back of my mind that randomly gives me guilt when we do stuff together. that I would like advice on. Thank you again!