Well I was patient and got a response from the Northern Irish girl. She really wants to show me her plants and hasn’t replied immediately because she forgot too. I really want to talk to her more because for once she ignites an intellectual fire inside of me and I want to engage with her with her ideas. I can talk on and on about an intellectual topic and she understands and will engage. Because I’m at heart an intellectual and she is also quite attractive with her voice and accent.Sam W wrote:I do want to say that it's not heartless to not be ready to say "I love you " to someone you're still getting to know, or to set boundaries around things like when you want to talk on camera (and especially not around things like someone who lives in a country with rising cases visiting you during a pandemic).
Too, you can call someone a girlfriend in the context of a non-monogamous relationship. So if girlfriend feels like the right word to call the California Girl, then it's okay to use it.
Since it sounds like both of them are aware you two are not exclusive, what if you just keep getting to know both of them and see how things go, rather than feeling like you need to make big decisions about either relationship right now?
That sucks so much! In this case, I’m also stuck in some ways. I know I want to go back to California, which is where one is, but where the Northern Irish girl is, is near me now which is Austria. But I also don’t want anyone to move anywhere they don’t want to!solareclipse94 wrote:Hey Sabine,
I asked my boyfriend for permission to sleep with someone else who lives closer to me and he broke up with me. I told him that I wouldn't do anything that he wouldn't want me to do. But then he told me that he thinks we should go our separate ways. I then called him and asked him to give me a second chance and he said that he thinks it wouldn't work out between him and I. So I sort of know how you feel, although it isn't the exact same thing.
That sucks. I hope you can figure it out. Here's a question: Which one makes you feel like you can be yourself around them? Whichever one that may be, go with that one. I don't know what else to tell you.Sabine wrote:That sucks so much! In this case, I’m also stuck in some ways. I know I want to go back to California, which is where one is, but where the Northern Irish girl is, is near me now which is Austria. But I also don’t want anyone to move anywhere they don’t want to!solareclipse94 wrote:Hey Sabine,
I asked my boyfriend for permission to sleep with someone else who lives closer to me and he broke up with me. I told him that I wouldn't do anything that he wouldn't want me to do. But then he told me that he thinks we should go our separate ways. I then called him and asked him to give me a second chance and he said that he thinks it wouldn't work out between him and I. So I sort of know how you feel, although it isn't the exact same thing.
It’s hard being non-monogamous but also trying to be flexible in a monogamous relationship.
I guess both! The girl from California tells me that she can be herself around me and I around her. she just wants me to be me and just wants to be around me. She praises me for being me and really wanted to see my face, despite my cold sours, because she said that I’m beautiful no matter what. I felt uncomfortable but I said OK. That’s part of boundary setting.solareclipse94 wrote:That sucks. I hope you can figure it out. Here's a question: Which one makes you feel like you can be yourself around them? Whichever one that may be, go with that one. I don't know what else to tell you.Sabine wrote:That sucks so much! In this case, I’m also stuck in some ways. I know I want to go back to California, which is where one is, but where the Northern Irish girl is, is near me now which is Austria. But I also don’t want anyone to move anywhere they don’t want to!solareclipse94 wrote:Hey Sabine,
I asked my boyfriend for permission to sleep with someone else who lives closer to me and he broke up with me. I told him that I wouldn't do anything that he wouldn't want me to do. But then he told me that he thinks we should go our separate ways. I then called him and asked him to give me a second chance and he said that he thinks it wouldn't work out between him and I. So I sort of know how you feel, although it isn't the exact same thing.
It’s hard being non-monogamous but also trying to be flexible in a monogamous relationship.
No, what I’m saying is that I am treating their relationships rather than loose and relaxed. Like I’m not committed. To be honest, they really like me despite me saying that I am also polyamorous in some ways. it’s really hard when you don’t wanna step on anyone’s toes and you were told over and over and over again that cheating is the worst thing anyone can do in a relationship and that being non-monogamous is wrong (yes a best friend texted me that).Sam W wrote:. And having them doesn't mean you're objectifying these two people; it just means you're being clear about what your limits are.
This makes sense. I don’t know where I stand with the girl from California because on the one hand I do find that often it fades sometimes and sometimes it doesn’t. Like for instance right now I’m in a class and I want to go to sleep afterwards, but she wants to talk afterwards. I do care about her, but I just want to take care of myself too. I think this is what normal relationships are like right? Someone kisses you good night, even if it’s on video chat.Sam W wrote:Ah, okay, thank you for clarifying that! I'm sorry that your best friend texted you those things. There's nothing wrong with non-monogamy or with casual relationships, as long as everyone involved is on the same page (which it sounds like you are). Too, given how new these relationships are, there's nothing wrong with not being committed right away; from what you're describing, it sounds like all three of you know you're still in the first stages of getting to know each other.
If you're worried about stepping on people's toes, you might want to give out series on polyamory a read, since it has advice on navigating conversations with multiple partners: A First Polyamory Guide.
As far as relationships fading, that's one of those things that is really, really variable. For instance, sometimes when the new relationship energy fades, the people involved realize they don't have much in common and end the relationship. Other times people gradually drift apart, or discover that they work better as friends. Generally speaking, you want energy in a relationship to be a balanced give and take. If you're putting a ton of energy in and the other person isn't, that's a sign things are reaching an end. Or, if you find a relationship no longer interests you or is something you want to put energy into, that's also a sign it's time to end things rather than try to keep them afloat. Does that make sense?
Well, I eventually decided to sleep instead of talk to her tonight. When I didn’t respond to her text, she understood eventually that I was going to sleep so I texted her that. I’m not so sure how she will feel about it in the future. i’ve been trying to spend time more with her but also some more boundaries. I also acknowledge that I wanna spend more time with the Northern Irish girl (really so much) and also work on my grades. I don’t know if this is going to be just a temporary thing I think it might be but maybe perhaps teaching boundaries to her is a little hard. Is it my responsibility in this case to do it because I’ve said that I’m tired multiple times throughout the day including when I first talked to her.Sofi wrote:Relationships are a lot of give-and-take; you do have to compromise on many things, but don't always have to sacrifice much. It sounds like sometimes you feel you must sacrifice things like sleep and self-care in order to be attentive to her, which isn't the case. Of course if she needs you urgently you can choose to sacrifice sleep/leisure time to be there for her, but on the daily it's not good to feel forced to cater to her texting needs. It's kind of you to be so aware of what she wants when it comes to you two talking, but again, don't feel like you need to completely change how you talk for her--if you feel constantly anxious or uncomfortable, that's not a great sign.
A side note re:marriage - it is totally okay to both acknowledge and understand how it is an institution that rewards heteronormativity, AND still want it for yourself. They are not mutually exclusive <3