nothing to talk about with gf. is this normal?

Questions and discussions about relationships: girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, partners, friends, family or other intimate relationships in your lives.
bikinksterboy
not a newbie
Posts: 251
Joined: Thu Aug 25, 2016 6:32 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: my willingness to try essentially anything
My primary language: English
My pronouns: he/him
My sexual identity and orientation: bisexual
Location: New York, New York

nothing to talk about with gf. is this normal?

Unread postby bikinksterboy » Sun Sep 13, 2020 9:25 am

Today an issue came up in conversation with my girlfriend which has come up before in our 3-year relationship, which is that it seems like we don't have anything to talk about. our conversations recently and sometimes in the past are filled with lots of silence and long pauses. She feels like we don't have "banter." I think part of this is my shyness and anxiety, but I'm not sure. It seems like sometimes we need to be doing something to have an "excuse" to hang out and spend time together. Is this something I should worry about? We've been together for 3 years and I definitely enjoy hanging out with her, but it just feels like sometimes I have nothing to say or like it's hard to say anything. I feel really guilty that it's like this.
"~Take a moment to think of just~"

~flexibility, love, and trust~"

bikinksterboy
not a newbie
Posts: 251
Joined: Thu Aug 25, 2016 6:32 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: my willingness to try essentially anything
My primary language: English
My pronouns: he/him
My sexual identity and orientation: bisexual
Location: New York, New York

Re: nothing to talk about with gf. is this normal?

Unread postby bikinksterboy » Sun Sep 13, 2020 9:51 am

I talked about this and thought on it for a bit, and I've come to the conclusion that it's a thing where I'm probably afraid of being vulnerable by talking about her interests and engaging in our conversations because it opens up a can of worms of "What if I'll sound stupid?" "what if I say the wrong thing? "what if I'm boring?" I guess I just have to push through using the same tools I use for anxiety elsewhere in my life, and try to engage even if I risk vulnerability because we're in a relationship and sharing vulnerability is a big thing with that. Sorry for basically answering my own question, but staff or anyone else, if you still have thoughts feel free to chime in
"~Take a moment to think of just~"

~flexibility, love, and trust~"

Mo
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 1999
Joined: Thu Jul 31, 2014 2:57 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: I'm always wearing seriously fancy nail polish.
My primary language: English
My pronouns: he/him, they/them
My sexual identity and orientation: queer/bisexual

Re: nothing to talk about with gf. is this normal?

Unread postby Mo » Sun Sep 13, 2020 6:45 pm

Sometimes I feel like the process of writing something out or telling someone else what I'm thinking about winds up knocking things loose a little and I'm able to come up with answers more easily than I was before! Maybe that's what happened with you. :)
I think these are all good conclusions. It sounds like falling back on your regular ways of handling anxiety is a good plan and keep in mind, too, that people say silly things, or miss the point of a story, or wind up being boring sometimes. Everyone does, from time to time. I am very good at being embarrassed about "wrong" things I've said, sometimes for years, but when I think about those times objectively I can see that they weren't a big deal, especially in the long run. I hope you can find some new ways to open up and new things to talk about even if it feels a little scary and over-vulnerable, at first.


Return to “Relationships”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests