This is gonna be a long one, so buckle up, grab some popcorn, and do what you do:
Some background info. I have been with an amazing man for an upcoming two years, some of the most amazing years in my life so far. Was madly in love and felt like the world couldnt get brighter. We got along on so many levels, discovering new ones every day. I was purely convinced that this was my tree. He was gonna be my one and only.
But stuff happens. He hit a rough patch at a college far away and i did my best to be there for him. One night, as he discribed it, he felt alienated. He wasnt himself and he went online. Found a male dating app fkr gay guys and sent a pic to one. A nude. He kept it hidden for four days before the guilt broke him down. I forgave him. It was my first time dealing with something like that. So i took his excuse and forgave him. Then, it happened a few months later. Again, going on that app and sending another pic.
We call it "the urge". It seems to happen once or twice a month randomly around 10-12pm. Its usually controllable, but sometimes, he cant seem to resist going on that app and lookkng at other mens pictures. He hasnt sent any since february, but i live with the constant fear of waking up and hearing him say "im sorry".
We have spoken to each other about it multiple times before. I view it as cheating, especially with the way he lacks information about it. He never tells if i dont ask, and he will only tell me bear minimun on the subject. Even going as far as lying.
After so long, its startibg to tear at me. I feel rejected, hurt, ugly, or like im not doibg enough. I love him, every little quirk he has (besides this one), every time he smiles everything falls into place. But every day the urge happens, that light he gave me weakens, sometimes it seems like its barely holding on. I dont care to see his body anymore, theres these moments where its nothing but anger, or sadness, or nothing but numb.
I love him and ive tried multiple times to help or have asked him what i can do to lessen the urge or make it stop. I told him that one more time, if he sends a pic one more time, that im gonna kick it. Im gonna leave the relationship. But i know i wont. Besides that flaw, there is nothing else that i hate about him. I cant love him completely anymore but i cant seem to hate him. I can be mad, but the second i see his face, its game over.
We have talked about this and even cried to eachother about this, but it feels as if nothing is healing. He still has the urges and im still losing faith.
My apologies for the long rant, but i need help. Ive spoke to my therapist about it, but she starts going on about the lgbt community and how its okay. Im not mad about him being bi, i used to think i was bi before i met him. Its the fact that his loyalty is slipping and it seems to be killing us both as a result. I dont know what to do or even if theres anything i can do. Just need some advice. Thank you.♥️