Siân wrote: You 100% get to have normal human feelings! I'm glad you're giving yourself some grace, and it sounds like you have some nuanced thinking around all this, which is great.
Siân wrote: Deciding not to [date] for a fixed period of time reframed things for me by putting me back in control. It feels like a decision I am making for myself, to prioritise other things. I looked at all the other things I'm excited about in my life - projects that I am able to put time into as my usual hectic schedule is on pause, friendships that are deeply fulfilling - and decided that that is where I want to put my time and attention. I gave it a reassessment date, and in a few months time I will think again based on what my priorities are and what the world looks like. In the meantime I am free to just put my attention elsewhere and not worry about it.
Siân wrote: In summary:
- What decisions are you in control of? Try making those choices conscious ones!
Siân wrote:- What other things are you excited about? Being single gives you more time to focus on these!
Siân wrote: It's also worth bearing in mind that this is not forever - indefinite yes, forever no - so living in the now doesn't mean sacrificing any chances of a romantic partnership in the future. It may not feel like it but there is always time.
Siân wrote: It also sounds like you are healing from some hurts, so giving yourself time and attention to move through that without additional pressures puts you in a good place when dating is back on the cards again.
Siân wrote: Does any of that help/resonate with you?
Mo wrote:I'm glad to hear you're doing positive things for yourself like staying connected to friends and support systems and keeping up with fun things! Plus I am so excited about your new cat of course. Things are so weird right now, for so many people, and in the US especially stuff is SO up in the air because of how terrible the official response to covid has been; I think it can be hard to focus on much of anything or make positive plans at all right now. It certainly has been for me! So I'm glad you're working on some positive changes and finding new things to jump into.
Mo wrote:I think talking with your therapist about worries about abandonment & ghosting might be a good idea! The tricky thing about ghosting is that while you say you aren't sure how to prevent it from happening again, ultimately it isn't something you can prevent at all. I don't say that to scare you, or to downplay how genuinely hurtful and upsetting it can be, but just to remind you that you aren't and can't be responsible for someone else's actions and how they choose to communicate.
Mo wrote:The times I've been ghosted by people and have felt pretty hurt by it, I've come to the conclusion (generally after a good while and much of the initial pain has passed) that the cause was probably not a feeling that I wasn't even worth a direct reply, but that the people who chose to drop contact abruptly were dealing with some complicated circumstances either with me or with other things in their lives and were probably conflict-avoidant enough that they put off explaining it to me long enough that they eventually figured it wasn't worth it. That's hurtful in a way on its own, I think, but some distance has made me think, for the most part, that these ghostings weren't just about me or something I should have done differently, if that makes sense. Again, I don't say that like it isn't still terrible! But I'd encourage you not to approach it as something that it is your job to prevent.
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