TW: Sexual abuse/grooming, paranoia related violent thoughts
So, I'm gonna get straight to what about him creeps me out. Let's call him Nathan. So, I'm 15, and my boyfriend is 16. Nathan, however is 19. My boyfriend (Aaron,) knows the age gap is weird but it's better because they have the same birthday or something?? Nathan has been emotionally and sexually abusive to him in the past, they met online when Aaron was 11, so Nathan was 14. I turned 15 a couple months ago and... I would not date an 11 year old at that time (or now, obviously.) That's creepy, that bitch is a child.
Aaron defends Nathan with defenses such as, "he's changed," "he was sheltered," "he said he was sorry," "we're working on it," and Catra (one of the other alters, he has DID,) said he said that "well if the universe wanted us apart it would find a way to make it happen". That last defense is especially frustrating because both Catra and Aaron said that literally like, EVERYONE else around them thinks the age gap is weird and not okay. Like, dude, maybe that's a sign?? Aaron is also "proud" of Nathan for doing research on DID like that's not expected?
Aaron has a habit of putting himself down and feeling unworthy of things, something that frustrates me and all of the other alters a lot. He also doesn't notice when people are abusing him and will justify their actions because he wants to hold onto them (his and Catra's words, not mine,) and Catra thinks that even if Nathan was hurting him, he wouldn't leave him since they've been together since he was 14 and he's such a central part of his identity now. Aaron says that besides me, Nathan has been the only person that he's felt actually safe around since his abuse (he used to have an abusive girlfriend, and a very abusive childhood. I mean, he has DID,) so I can see why he would be such an important person to him.
Also, Aaron has been the one who's had to set a lot of boundaries that I feel should be just, like, moral obligations to follow already? For example, Nathan has been sexual with age regressed alters, one in particular is still only 14 when they're not regressing. Aaron thought about it and they made the rule that even if someone age regressed wanted to have sex, Hector has to refuse because they're practically children and that's gross. Why didn't Hector have any qualms about it earlier? Wtf? Another is that when Aaron learned the age of consent, he was the one to be like "we shouldn't have sex anymore until I'm 16." I... what. I'm astounded. Excuse me. You're telling me this 18 year old adult man didn't know the age of consent because "uwu he was just a sheltered catholic boy" bitch I'll murder your dumb ass. A 19 and 16 year old having sex is already sketchy, but this adult man who can legally join the army, buy and use drugs, and a bunch of other shit, boutta have sex with someone not even legally allowed to drive yet?? What?? I've even heard people say the age gap between 18 and 21 is sketchy because the maturity and experience levels are so much different even then. Aaron also takes on responsibilities in the relationship Nathan should have as the older, more mature, adult in the relationship.
Part of me feels like my feelings about this are invalid because I didn't really like Hector that much before anyways, but everyone around me when I say their age gap is like "haha! no." I also feel invalid because I have very... intense emotions sometimes. I get paranoid very easily and I kinda threatened Aaron while I was paranoid (well, I said "I don't think you're plotting anything against me or that you're going to and I don't want to hurt you, but if you are I'm going to have to") and I was especially distrustful of Nathan at the time, so I feel like maybe I'm just being paranoid? And last night I was being sad about something and I was listening to music and Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush played and that spurred very protective feelings about Aaron and long story short 10 minutes later for about an hour I was fully prepared to pull a JD and yeet Nathan for being a grooming creep bitch who ever hurt Aaron in the first place. I mean I'm gonna talk to my therapist about that, but I feel like that is especially evidence to me perhaps just having too intense emotions about Aaron and Nathan isn't hurting him, even if the age gap is weird. I was also molested and experiences non contact sexual abuse and have almost been groomed by people on the internet before I got the creeps, so that's probably contributing to my negative feelings towards Nathan.
This isn't a problem that can be solved by us just breaking up or talking about it either, which is frustrating because that's what you do when you have problems in a relationship. I've actually already talked about my feelings about Nathan (well, not in a rude way or the more,, intense ones,) and that's where a lot of this information comes from. I'm not going to leave Aaron just because he's been groomed or I interpret it that way, our relationship as a whole is quite healthy (though I made a post a couple days to a week ago, it was resolved quickly,) and it's not interfering with our relationship that much. But he's so attached to Nathan I don't know how to get him away now, especially since me and Nathan are the only people he's trusted this much in a long time yet Nathan's been in his life way longer and, well, from my interpretation, groomed him.
I don't know what to do. Even if me and Aaron weren't dating, I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him with somebody I thought has groomed him (even unintentionally. I don't think a 14 year old plans to groom someone,) so that's not an option. Aaron probably wouldn't leave me, he's a very dependent person (something me and Catra think is distressing,) and I think it's quite obvious he wouldn't leave Nathan. Nathan hasn't even done anything purposefully, and we don't know each other very well, so confronting him seems very scary to me. I mean he's also 4 years older than me. It's also intimidating that Nathan's dating more than one of the alters in Aaron's system, and I've literally only talked to one once. I just don't know what to do but sit here and talk to everyone else about how much it frustrates me.