Hello! I just recently entered a triad with two partners. Honestly, I'm very happy with our relationship so far as we have great chemistry and communication. However, I have been feeling insecure about my capabilities to perform during sex as well as my adequacy as a sexual partner. These insecurities don't really have to do with them but more so me and my own past experiences, but I want to talk about it with an objective third party first before I talk to them about it so I'm clear on what I'm feeling, what I want, and the solution to this.
At first, I wasn't satisfied with our sex because I couldn't orgasm, in part because it takes a lot for me to orgasm since I am on antidepressants and because the only way I can orgasm is through clit stimulation or nipple stimulation which I wasn't getting a lot of that when we first started having sex. I told them shortly after what was going on, how I was feeling, and what I needed from them during sex to get me to orgasm and they listened to me, validated me, and gave me what I needed the next time we had sex. I think it resolved nicely and now we're having really good sex where everyone feels satisfied. However, the way we are having sex is bringing up a lot of insecurities for me.
I have tried many, many times in many different ways to achieve orgasm solely through vaginal intercourse, but it's never worked for me and I discovered the reason why some years ago: I'm intersex. My clit is more enlarged than usual and I don't have as much "stimulation" from the inside because most of it is on the outside so therefore it hasn't really been possible for me to orgasm that way. For a while it made me feel broken, like something was wrong with my body, because I had partners who had a heavy focus on intercourse, but then I met my ex and our sex consisted entirely of outercourse because she too had the same problem and it made me feel validated in my sex and secure. Now, however, I am faced again with this insecurity because my partners are very intercourse heavy and focused.
One of my partners, who is a cis woman, (let's call her Jill) can orgasm solely through vaginal intercourse. In fact, she doesn't need any other stimulation at all to achieve orgasm. So to satisfy her needs either I or my other partner (let's call them Lake) need to perform intercourse on her either through a toy, fingers, or Lake's penis to get her to orgasm. We never focus on anything else but that, not her nipples, not her clit, just penetration. Lake also cums through penetration so naturally what happens is that they first both make me orgasm through nipple and clit stimulation, then they perform intercourse in front of me, leaving me completely out... It honestly feels extremely isolating and I feel detached from them, like I'm a spectator or a side piece rather than a participant or a partner. And that's pretty much how we always have sex now and I'm not really happy with it. Not only do I feel excluded, but it also brings up the insecurity of mine that I'm broken because I can't cum through intercourse and that I am not a fit sexual partner because I don't have a penis to make her cum with (which also brings up some dysphoria as a trans person) and it's a pretty horrible feeling. I can engage with them sexually in other ways (like sucking on Jill's nipples or stimulating Lake's anus) but I feel like it doesn't do much for them and so I'm quite literally just a side piece.
In addition, I worry that my partners may also have an unhealthy relationship with sex because they are survivors of sexual violence and may associate sex with their worth. The reason I say this is because of some comments they've made about sex. For example, Lake once said that they feel like they "owe" their partners sex even when they don't want to engage in it with their partner. I told them that they don't owe anyone anything even when they "promise" to have sex with someone because sex isn't something you owe, it's something you enjoy. Jill also concerns me because she says the only way she can really enjoy sex and feel horny is when she's either drunk or high which I don't think is healthy. In fact yesterday, we were making out on the bed and she looks at me and says "I don't feel horny I'm sorry." And I said "I don't need sex. I'm enjoying my time with you. This doesn't have to lead to anything and it's completely fine." She then apologizes again and says "Sorry I'm broken for not being horny." And I said "You're not broken at all. You have a right to not feel horny. In fact, it's normal for you not to feel that way sometimes. We don't need to have sex." Lake and I start cooking dinner and Jill starts to smoke weed, then goes to the bedroom, dresses in lingerie, and comes out saying she now wants sex. Although she looked beautiful in that outfit and I was extremely turned on by her, it just didn't feel right. It felt almost forced. So when I was having sex with her I felt like it was more of a performance than it was a genuine encounter because I feel like she forced herself to get horny with weed to "appease me" when I didn't need to be appeased at all. In fact, I was meeting later with my other partner who I was going to have sex with so I REALLY didn't need to have it with her. But no matter how many times I said it, it was like she felt like she needed to give it to me. And although I like having sex with them, I feel like our relationship is HEAVILY reliant on sex and it makes it feel disingenuous, like they're giving me sex because they feel like they "owe me" rather than because they GENUINELY want to have sex with me.
So I feel two things: insecure because I feel like I don't fit in with their sex and worried because I feel like they're having sex with me not because they want to but because they feel they need to. Both of those things don't feel good and I want to talk to them to come up with a resolution for this, but I also want to first detangle everything myself first before I approach them about it. Any advice?