Coping with Jealousy and Envy in a Polycule?

Questions and discussions about relationships: girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, partners, friends, family or other intimate relationships in your lives.
not a newbie
Posts: 186
Joined: Thu Sep 27, 2018 8:16 pm
Age: 22
Awesomeness Quotient: My Eyes
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: they/them/theirs
Sexual identity and orientation: Pansexual
Location: United States

Coping with Jealousy and Envy in a Polycule?

Unread post by BuddyBoi21 »

Hi! Pease read everything before responding and if you need clarification just ask!

So I'm very new to polyamory and recently discovered I'm polyamorous myself. I entered a queer platonic relationship with my temporary roommate and best friend of 3 years. Over the course of these months I've fallen in love with her and while she loves me back she doesn't experience love in the same way because she's aromantic. She also has a partner/future spouse (another longstanding friend that that she's known for years as well but longer than me) and they got together a little bit before we did. Now I mention her being aromantic because she doesn't love me romantically but still loves me just as much as the partner she does love romantically (there's some greek analogy for ace folks who experience this and I can't remember how to explain it).

Either way there are boundaries established and (I guess what feels like) different committment levels?
Some boundaries because it's like 99% likely my metamour is monogamous is that I currently can't do much of anything with my partner outside of cheek kissing, hugs and cuddling. Physical intimacy is my primary love language and I've learned over time that I do find sex and other forms of physical intimacy equally very important.

The other bit is one day my partner and I will be nesting partners but because of current circumstances we can't right now. She is however moving to be with my metamour which is good. I'm happy for her and my metamour but I have all sorts of negitive feelings because they get to do these things I wish I could with my partner.

They'll be nesting together, they'll have kids together and I'll be back in another state physically alone and what feels like is emotionally alone. It feels fucking awful.

We've talked about it, she reassures me and we set up boundaries but I'm still very unhappy with the situation. We're open but I struggle with dates and honestly feel it's a bit pointless while I'm here to try and date since I'll be moving back to my home state very very soon.

Logically I know things are fine and that she loves me but I still feel like shit. I feel jealous and envious of my metamour and like I'm less important.

CW: acephobia
Some days when I'm feeling extra down I feel as though I'm not in a "real relationship" because not all of my physical needs are being met.

Any tips on how to get your intrusive thoughts/insecurities handled? Any tips on coping with what feels like irrational jealousy and envy?

Personal anecdotes and readings are highly encouraged! Thank you everyone!
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 2035
Joined: Thu Jul 31, 2014 2:57 pm
Awesomeness Quotient: I'm always wearing seriously fancy nail polish.
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: he/him, they/them
Sexual identity and orientation: queer/bisexual

Re: Coping with Jealousy and Envy in a Polycule?

Unread post by Mo »

Hi there, BuddyBoi.

I'm sorry you're feeling stressed and insecure about some aspects of this relationship. Are there any things in particular your partner could do for you that you think would help you feel more secure or valued? I wonder if there are ways she could commit to spending time with you (whether that's currently in person or remotely in the future) that would help you feel like you're also her priority.

I know that physical intimacy is very important for you so I can understand that it could be tough to want further intimacy but not currently be able to experience it because of the agreements between your partner and her other partner. I'm not entirely clear on the situation there, from what you've written; is your metamour still trying to figure out what they're comfortable with, in terms of what you and your partner do together on a sexual/intimate level?
Post Reply Previous topicNext topic