Questions and discussions about relationships: girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, partners, friends, family or other intimate relationships in your lives.
- not a newbie
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2019 3:02 pm
- Age: 16
- Awesomeness Quotient: I like food
- Primary language: English
- Preferred pronouns: They/them
- Sexual identity and orientation: Lesbian
- Location: California
I am conflicted on how to proceed with my friendship with my best friend. About a month ago a girl who I was somewhat friends with pulled my best friend aside and essentially started shit about me as well as tried to get him to join. The girl told him not to tell me but of course as my best friend he immediately came to me. I let it sit for a few days and after that I blocked all contact with her. My best friend though still hangs out with her and her friends despite him saying he is on my side and what they did was wrong. I have voiced my discomfort with them and I talk about it a lot with him but he still hangs around them despite everything. I would be lying to say I don't feel upset but mostly hurt by it in all honesty. At first he was all with me and the only reason he hung around here and her group was because she would guilt trip him (he is a big empathetic person who doesn't want to upset anyone) but now he has started saying that the girl is actually not that bad and brushing it off a bit. I told him I want to talk to the girl about is since I never confronted her and she keeps asking him and other people we are mutual friends with and he said that he would want to be there to make sure I don't say something wrong? I'm just tired of the situation of him not being able to just be open about the fact he told me and lie to her about how he doesn't know why I blocked contact with her and proceed to reassure her that he wouldn't do that. I know I don't control who he hangs out with but it is causing me so much stress and I'm just lost. It's too much for me to handle and I can't hang around him without hearing about her and when I know he's hanging with her I just feel sick knowing that my best friend would hang out with someone who would do something like that to me. I know I shouldn't expect anything but I can't help but just be upset. I can't tell him that either because he has cried to me worried about losing me because of the situation, I am not one who openly talks about my feelings with people I am close with so I just reassure him that everything is ok. I don't want to end my friendship with him over some stupid kids that are younger than the both of us ruining our friendship. I have tried my hardest to be understanding but at the same time I don't understand how it's hard to just end things with the girl, he isn't close to her so it's not like he would be upset without her. He won't take action and it's causing stress on the both of us. I don't know what I should do to get this over with and what it will take for me to not have to deal with it anymore.
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
- Posts: 7446
- Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
- Age: 30
- Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
- Primary language: english
- Preferred pronouns: she/her
- Sexual identity and orientation: queer
- Location: Desert
This sounds like a really stressful situation, one where it sounds like everybody else's feelings are taking precedence over yours. I think a helpful starting place would be to ask yourself whether preserving this friendship or talking with this other girl about what happened is the thing you want to prioritize right now.
Too, I think it would be worth having an honest conversation about this with your friend. You mention that you've been downplaying what's bothering you (I feel you on not being super into sharing your emotions); at a certain point, if you don't tell him what's going on, he won't know what's wrong, you know?