So I'm an 18-year-old girl and I've always been a little curious about being with another a girl just because I find them beautiful and wanted to know what it would be like. My boyfriend is also a guy and inherently thinks the idea of a threesome is hot. A week ago, I suggested to him that we actually try it and we both thought it would be an exciting sexual experience for both of us.
We communicated a lot on the matter and he honestly did EVERYTHING right. He listened to my boundaries (he can't kiss her or have intercourse with her) and was respectful and patient with me. He didn't push me at all and proved to be the amazing boyfriend I know he is.
A couple days after we had discussed the idea and started looking for a third, however, my anxiety started getting the best of me in other aspects of my life and I told him that I wanted to push this off because I'm not in the right place mentally. He was totally okay with it, and I was proud of not pushing myself. However, I think I pushed myself to not push myself because all I could think about was the idea of a threesome, not negatively or anything just always there. It was annoying the hell out of me and it crossed my mind many times to just get it out of the way so it wouldn't be looming over me, but I knew that was a horrible reason to do it.
However, Friday came and we were hanging out with a girl he had met on Tinder (from when we were still looking for a third) who is actually a cool person and gets along great with both of us. We abused a few substances in the hot tub, and then things started to get a little heated. I don't fully remember what ended up pushing to the extent it was pushed to, but eventually, I kissed her. She was hesitant at first (probably because she honestly had no idea that we had already been talking about a threesome and was worried this was way inappropriate), but eventually we started making out a little bit. Then I started making out with my boyfriend and she started kissing on his neck, asking if it was okay once I noticed and I said yes and informed her that she just can't kiss his mouth. It continued to get heated and my boyfriend unhooked my bra (I didn't have a swimsuit to use). She then slowly started to let her breast out and he finished it off for her and we were both topless. Then I start blowing my boyfriend and he starts fingering both of us. He asks her if she would want to join me, and she asked if that was okay and I said yes, just no full intercourse. After both blowing him simultaneously for a little bit, I start making out with her again and he suggests we go back inside where it's more private. On the way there, I totally got in my head and panicked. When he tried to initiate it again back inside, I stopped him and the whole thing was called off. I had a panic attack and was freaking out for a while, but eventually I was fine.
The thing is, all weekend has been super weird. One minute I'll be totally fine and accepting of the whole thing or not thinking about it all, then a few hours later it hits me like a train and I start freaking out. After contemplating it, I realized which parts bothered me, and it wasn't even her blowing him. It was when HE was touching HER that drove me crazy (touching her breasts or fingering her) that has been killing me whenever I think of it.
Overall, I'm just really sick of the bipolar experience I've been having and I want to find a way to come to peace with all of it. I love my boyfriend SO much and it's definitely not his or her fault. None of this would have happened if I had done one of a dozen things differently (i.e. not bringing it up in the first place or not hinting that I was okay with using her as our third which I had hinted at that night thinking I was okay with it). I feel like the whole thing is my fault and I just want to move on and be happy again because I've never been happier with anyone and refuse to compromise the relationship. How long will it take to get over it and what can I do? All help appreciated.