Masturbation troubles

[0PT1M15T1C]

I’m just curious, recently, I’ve been exploring masturbation a bit more, and like that can be really fun. Especially now that I’ve been getting used to feeling pleasure down there, which isn’t something I was able to do for quite some time. The weird part for me, is I feel like I’m new to this all over again, like after realizing what happened to me (sexual abuse) and that going downhill everything’s so different. Beforehand though, I would be able to orgasm fairly easily and I mean, I remember that being killer. Part of what I would do though, is like finger myself or use an object to go inside of me (safely) I remember that used to feel really good to me depending on how I did it.
I’m having to learn all these new ways to touch myself but one thing that’s seeming really strange to me is like working around any sort of penetration. I can be like really enjoying myself and sometimes I use lube, but there’s other times where I find myself able to do it without any and am pretty like I guess wet. But when I insert anything both that lubrication just magically goes away, but also, end up getting really scared and panic. I guess that’s like one of my triggers or I guess like a body memory but even coming from a place of exploration, that happens...and I can’t really get around it. I can’t even like continue what I was doing because it just puts me so far out of it. I used to have these mind blowing orgasms with it and like, I’ve had one since which is great but like, that was every time and just felt so good.
Is this just something that will take some more time? Or like how do I approach that one? Because I used to love that, and I want to be able to have sex involving that activity. I’m into guys, and like, I want to do it but also, I need to have lubrication for it, and not tense up an insane amount or have a flashback. What can I do? I get that I’m young but also, I know this is something I want but it’s not something that’s getting better. I’m not trying to rush myself into anything but at the same time, I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying a lot of the things I did when I was working on just exterior stuff, but it’s just really different. I can be feeling so so good and do that and just no matter if I’m exploring or expecting something, what ends up happening is just everything stops. Like suddenly even clitoral stimulation just feels meh and I end up just leaving it be - which I’m fine with doing, I’m not going to try to force myself to do something if I’m not in the mood, it’s just annoying knowing I used to love that.
My sex drive has been up and down with all of what’s going on, which at this point I’m fine with it doesn’t make me any less human. But it does make me wonder if consistency could be an issue? It just seems so strange that I can be so turned on and everything to be lubricated naturally and for me to start doing that and suddenly that goes away. (I mean, like it takes a minute but idk). There’s also age, but like considering I was doing it before I don’t think that really applies.
Right now, it’s not like a major concern just something I’ve noticed. There’s too many other things going on at the moment to be very concerned with my sex life. I’ve read everything said to me back but this one thing in particular has me stuck because exterior touch got a lot easier once I changed my views around it but guess this is different?

[Mo]

Since you're noticing a pretty intense shift in how you're feeling when you try any sort of entry with masturbation, both in terms of your body's physical response and your emotional reaction, I think it might be a good idea to just take that off the table entirely for a little while. It certainly could be something you'll wind up enjoying in the future, but I don't think the way to become comfortable with it is going to be through trying a lot right now when you know you're having this intense reaction; taking a break is likely to be helpful, I think, and if nothing else it might keep the rest of your masturbation time feeling more enjoyable and/or relaxing when you aren't wondering how you'll react if you attempt entry with your hands or a toy.

It's hard to know why, exactly, you're noticing this now, but I do think coming to an understanding about the sexual abuse you've experienced may have a part in this. It's pretty common for people who've experienced sexual abuse to find themselves reminded of trauma or abuse by sex or masturbation later on, even if it's consensual and wanted. You may find that talking about abuse in therapy, or having a longer stretch of time between now and when it occurred as time passes, will help lessen that discomfort.

Because you talk about dysphoria in another thread, does it feel like that might be a component of your discomfort here? I don't know how much, if at all, you experience genital dysphoria.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Recovering is annoying. Like yeah, I guess I can take that off the table again. I just kinda miss how that felt and I really hope I can get back to that point. I’m just worried that like with everything else getting better and with you saying it *could* be something that will feel good in the future that the feelings of pleasure around entry will never come back. Even when I try, it’s kind of at a place with “omg this feels good and I want this now too” and then it like miserably fails. At least other pieces are feeling good though, like that kind of gives me a bit of hope there, that like before I couldn’t do anything sexual with even myself and now, that’s changed a bit.
I’m guessing when things start to not work out, tabling them for a while is the best way to go for most things. It’s just not a fun thing to do.

I’m almost positive that coming to that understanding is a major stressor in this, honestly I was masturbating almost daily and at times a few times a day, it didn’t really bother me what I did, there were times I had to work through pain or work myself up more, but that was the only real issue. It never interfered with anything I was doing and it was something I enjoyed. Now it’s just like, something goes inside of me and I’m right back where I was when it happened. Which isn’t fun. The main thing is knowing that like without that happening these problems wouldn’t exist for me. My body just feels so different now, like I notice I don’t masturbate the same way I did before, like at all. But the main thing I miss is feeling good about entry, to me, it felt amazing. Working around these challenges has taught me a lot but at the same time, I really want to get back to where I was.

My dysphoria is a little weird around my genitals honestly. I can’t leave the house without packing, but I also don’t mind what I have too too much in terms of sex. I’m also just not satisfied with where bottom surgery would get me and am most certainly a bottom and don’t want any form of anal entry. I guess with sex I’ve kind of come to terms with what I’ve got for that, there’s days where it’s harder than others but for the most part, I’m more focused on “oh wow this feels good” than what’s down there. Although I don’t call my genitals by the “correct” (anatomical) terms during that sort of thing I just don’t find a massive discomfort. My chest is a different story and my top stays on and doesn’t get touched whether alone or with someone. Maybe that’s weird, as much as I wish I was cis and had a penis, I don’t and with sex, I don’t see it as too big of a deal.

If I am tabling it, when will I know I can come back to that..? For outside stuff it was pretty easy just because I was really in the mood for it and said “screw it, I have time for this.” And also, is it possible I may never be able to? Like I know there’s other kinds of sex and like cool, but I think for both me and my partners, entry would be pretty fun (as long as we are being safe obviously). Even when I’m fantasizing (I kind of ditched porn to learn more about myself) I’m picturing that, but it feels weird that imagining it happening doesn’t trigger me, but doing it does even to myself does. If I do come back to it will it just be a little more natural? Like with other pieces it’s just pretty natural which is why this one throws me for such a loop. Or like if I am ready, what might make that easier like time and lube are two things but actually doing it, is there something that would really help with that? Maybe these are questions only time can really answer but putting them out there can’t really hurt.

[Sam W]

I think you're on to something with some of these being questions only time can answer. Part of that is because both working through trauma and addressing dysphoria are things that take time. But even beyond that, plenty of people have periods of time where something they enjoyed during masturbation just isn't doing it for them anymore and need to take a break from it.

It's definitely possible that this kind of masturbation or sex will be a no-go permanently, but it's also quite possible that it will be something you can do later on. You're still in the beginning stages of addressing a lot of the traumatic stuff you've dealt with, so as you move through that process you may notice the appeal or enjoyment of certain sexual things ebbing and flowing. Too, if you eventually start on T, that could introduce some sexual side effects into the mix.

Can you say a bit more about the way certain pieces feel "natural" to you, and how this one differs from that?

I do want to add that all those ways in which bottom dysphoria does (or does not) pop up for you are totally valid. People tend to assume that sex or touching your genitals would be the biggest of all dysphoria sources, but the truth is people's brains and bodies are so varied that what feels like no big deal for one person is a big dysphoria trigger for another, and vice versa.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Thank you,

I think with the whole time thing, this just feels like a pretty strange amount of time. Like these problems started popping up badly at about this time last year, when I started questioning what happened. It was weird because I started to remember things I had no recollection of before, like I can remember that bedroom, down to the way the dresser shelves were organized and what was on it. And with that much detail on that part, I remember just as much detail in the things I remember about what was happening. But going from being able to do masturbate daily and whenever I felt like it, to really having to question myself if I have the time, if I'm for sure in the mood and know that I'm in the right head space as well as that if something goes wrong, that I know how I'll address it feels so strange to me. So like there's time periods where it lulls I guess, but a year seems a bit much.

What's kind of popping up for me is that I know this person had control of what they wanted to do to my body for so long, and I don't want them to still have control of me, now years later. With all that's been happening I feel like I've really lost myself and it's really hard to feel as though I've lost part of my own body in a way. Does not being able to do that mean I'm failing at this or that I'm still letting them have control? I don't want to still let them be the reason I can't do what I want to, I don't want what they did to me change a part of my body, when so much has had to change because of them. Part of taking back masturbation for me is a way of saying this is my body, I can do what I want with it, I deserve to be able to feel good about myself, and that person is no longer in control of that part of me. As far as T goes, I've been looking into the side effects of that for years, and thankfully more people are being open about the changes they experience with it, but there seems to be so much variety that it's hard to gauge how my body will react, so there's nothing I can do about that until I'm on it and experiencing it.

It's kind of hard to explain to be honest, like with anything exterior (I'm not sure how else to put it) I was able to start doing that and although it took quite a few tries to learn how to start doing. When I'm doing it though, it's easy for me to know that like, maybe adding a little pressure in a different place, or moving things around a certain area just kind of is there for me. When I'm doing that, it just feels like a normal progression, and the thought about entry comes for me too but when I start that instead of feeling pleasure like when I do the other things, everything just sort of stops in the way I explained with lubrication down there, or even just feeling anything good which I find weird. Like suddenly anything even exterior just feels numb almost, and any good feeling just go away.. A lot of times those same memories of what happened come back up, and that's not great because the majority of the physical pain I was in, and the time I spent really trying to get them to stop, was while they had their fingers inside me. They really aren't good memories for doing that kind of activity. Does that make a little more sense?

And okay, cool, good to know. It feels so strange that I'm comfortable with touch and quite honestly with that part of me being seen but I can't leave the house without a packer, while clothed.

[Sam W]

That fear that not being able to masturbate the way you used to means giving the person who hurt you control over you again is an understandable one. As you pointed out, it feels somehow unfair that their actions are influencing your ability to connect with your own body years down the line. And you're right that reclaiming your body through masturbation can be a really positive thing, and a frustrating one to hit snags with.

I think a way to frame it for yourself that could be helpful is that you're still in control; you're ultimately the boss of what you do to your body in terms of masturbation. The fact that you may have to table it, or at least certain kinds of it, for awhile isn't a sign of letting that person have control. Instead, it's a marker of you being able to choose when and how your body is interacted with. Does that make sense?

That explanation does help, yeah. It definitely sounds like the memories of the abuse are basically overriding the enjoyment and that kind of intuitiveness you feel during other parts of masturbation. Hopefully, as you start working more on addressing that trauma, that mental connection can lessen over time. Too, knowing when insertion becomes a pleasurable option again is going to take some trial and error; if you feel like that's what masturbation is building up to, you can try it, and if you notice that same pattern of it going numb or feeling bad, you can stop and know you can try again another time.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Yeah, I think that makes sense. Thank you, this all still feels so new which is really strange to say because I was doing it for quite a while before everything. It’s definitely frustrating and confusing to have to relearn things about my own body I thought I knew so well. I think knowing that I’m still in control is nice, when I do it, I’m in my own bed and safe. And I get to choose when that happens and how I want to do it, even if that means without insertion, and I’m the one doing it for myself rather than having to beg them to stop or having to lay in pain during and after. Plus, there’s other things that feel good so there’s that, that’s amazing. I guess tabling a piece of it doesn’t mean I’m letting them have control but rather giving myself some more time to feel comfortable around it. And I guess that option will always be there when I’m ready to come back to it.

I’ll definitely keep it in mind, and maybe come back to it but for now, I’m fine tabling it. I know I’ve had a lot of questions around it so, thank you for answering all of those. It’s a really weird and new process to me.

[Sam W]

I'm glad we've been able to help with those questions! And yep, it can definitely help to accept that the healing process is going to be kind of weird and unfamiliar in a lot of ways, because then you're not putting extra pressure on yourself to adapt to things instantaneously.