I am all twisted right now.

Questions and discussion about your sexual lives, choices, activities, ideas and experiences.
AngelaQ
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I am all twisted right now.

Unread post by AngelaQ »

I have been with my current boyfriend since June and during this whole time I have also been hanging out with his best friend and his best friend's girlfriend. In other words all of us have become really good friends. In October the best friend ended his relationship with his girlfriend but I am still good friends with her.
Shortly after that it would be just the three of us hanging out together. A few times some dumb stupid comments were made about the three of us doing a three-way together but they were laughable comments and I just laughed it off in return. Now I somewhat fantasized about it but I of course fantasize about everything and I just keep those fantasies to myself.
Last night I ended up kind of doing my fantasy. It wasn't a three way, but I had sex with my boyfriend and then I had sex with his best friend right after that.
The car ride home with the three of us together was weird. They were laughing and having fun where I was I was trying to do my best on showing that I was okay with what I did. The dumbest comment the best friend made just when I got out of the car was him saying thank you.
Both of them texted me today wanting to hang but I told them that I had to get some homework done I guess I will use the same excuse for tomorrow as well.
Monday is going to be very VERY awkward. I am with the best friend for my second class and I am with the best friends ex-girlfriend for the third class. As for lunch I'll be hanging out with both of the guys I guess.
I know I am not the only girl that has done something like this but how is it that I can just be okay with this? I don't see myself doing this a second time but they will surely want to. I could end this relationship but I will still see my boyfriend for another seven months and then his best friend and I don't even graduate for another 17 more months.
And part of me is mad At my boyfriend for allowing it but I don't truly blame him for anything because it was something that I felt like I wanted to do I just didn't think how twisted and ugly I would feel afterwards.
Sorry for speaking everything that's in my head. I guess I just need somebody who can tell me what the best thing is to do next.
Alice M.
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Re: I am all twisted right now.

Unread post by Alice M. »

Hi, I'm sorry that you're going through this. These emotions and social situations are tough to deal with and it's great that you're willing to sort out how you feel about this now.

It sounds like you're conflicted about the choice you made. It is okay to feel regret in this way and while it obviously isn't fun, it can be an important and valuable emotion to experience. For instance, it can help you figure out what your future boundaries are, in terms of what you'd like to do, not do and what you can change about the situation in order to feel comfortable and enthusiastic.

It's okay (and healthy!) to ask for the space that you need from people. Is there anyone at school, like a different friend, who could help be a buffer for you around these people on Monday? Of course, you do not need to tell them the details of why you need support -- just that you're dealing with relationship awkwardness and could use an extra friend right now.

You asked:
I know I am not the only girl that has done something like this but how is it that I can just be okay with this?
It is okay to enjoy different types of sexual encounters. The important bits are that you (and everyone involved) are enthusiastically consenting to it and that everyone is being safe (physically, sexually, emotionally, etc). You said you had a fantasy, somewhat acted it out and now you're feeling uncomfortable and regretful. This is not an uncommon or abnormal situation to experience -- you're correct when you say that you are not the only person to do something like this.

Learning about your own boundaries is part of growing up and being a person in this life. You didn't do anything wrong and you can set your future boundaries (and wants!) around this. Does that make sense?

You said that your BF and his friend are likely to ask for a repeat of this encounter. Do you feel comfortable and confident with saying no, if saying no is what you'd like to do?

Some reading for you:

Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent

Be Your Own Superhero: Learning How and When to Stand Up for Ourselves

Should I Stay or Should I Go?
AngelaQ
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Sexual identity and orientation: Just me
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Re: I am all twisted right now.

Unread post by AngelaQ »

I love everything that you just told me! I read your response three times just to get it all in.
For my boundaries I had no idea what they were, but let me pat myself on the back and say that I was making boundaries during the moment. My initial problem is that everything was going so fast and I felt like I was losing control. After maybe ten minutes of us being together I spoke up and just told them to wait a moment. And I will also give them credit because they did stop. The boundary that I made was nothing Beyond one on one, and in your own words they were both enthusiastically consenting to that. For me I was feeling better about myself for setting that boundary. I still was in shock that I was doing that but I guess in the end I did okay.
What I am conflicted most about is myself. I had sex with both of them and now I just feel a little lower because of it. If I could take it all back I would. I ended up changing everything about me and it's going to be really strange on how I react when I am around them on Monday. I'm sure I will be okay but I don't want to show them that I am conflicted about what happened.
Thank you for telling me that it's okay to feel regret and thank you for telling me that what I did was not wrong.
And what I just realized is that all the feelings I have are the same feelings I had when I lost my virginity back on March 9th. Different boy and all the wrong reasons but I feel almost exactly the same. Maybe that is a good thing?
Sam W
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Re: I am all twisted right now.

Unread post by Sam W »

Hi AngelaQ,

I'm glad you felt able to set a boundary in that moment and that you asserted yourself when you needed to.

You mention feeling "a little lower" and like this has changed everything about you. Can you say a little more about that?

I totally get where the instinct to not show them you're conflicted about this comes from, especially if your boyfriend and friend seem pretty happy with how things went. But, these are two people who, in theory, care about you and your well-being. If you're feeling conflicted or not so great about what happened, that's an okay thing for them to know (too, a good partner does want to know if something they did has left their partner feeling unhappy or conflicted). Does that make sense?

Have you found yourself feeling this same way often after being sexual with a a partner? Or has it only been those two incidents you mentioned where you've come away feeling conflicted or regretful?
AngelaQ
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Joined: Sat Nov 16, 2019 11:30 am
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Location: Buena Park, cali

Re: I am all twisted right now.

Unread post by AngelaQ »

I feel a little lower because instead of thinking it straight through I ended up just acting in the moment. I didn't think of the consequences or how I would feel afterwards. I also feel a little lower because I am still best friends with the ex-girlfriend of this group and I have to somehow act like I did not have sex with her former boyfriend. It feels like cheating in a way if that makes sense. I also still feel like this was wrong even though Alice M on here says that what I did was not wrong. I think it's just my way of thinking about all of this and it's too much to think about all at once.
I want to keep things comfortable between the three of us. I'm still not even sure what it is that I want out of this yet. And I'm still dreading tomorrow because I still don't know what I'm going to do yet.
And like you say in theory they do care about me but I somewhat feel like an object right now.
And for your last question losing my virginity is my first regret but I'm okay with it. I had a 1 night FWB first week of June and I regret that as well but I'm okay with it. Having a boyfriend has been nice but I wish we didn't go this far.
I turn 17 in 2 weeks so my plan is on having all this figured out and done with by that time. Whatever decision that will be I don't know. I am the oldest of the three, I should be able to figure something out.
Sam W
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Re: I am all twisted right now.

Unread post by Sam W »

Thank you, that explanation helps a lot. As much as you can, try to be gentle with yourself even though you made a choice that you're not feeling great about. Mistakes and miscalculations happen, and often the best thing we can do is learn what we can from them, rather than keep beating ourselves up over them. If it would be helpful, we could also talk about how to evaluate the emotional risks of sexual situations. Too, it might help to remember that, based on the fact that the other friend is his ex, not his current partner, most people wouldn't define what happened as cheating.

Alice mentioned in her first post that it sounds like you could use some extra supports right now. Are there any friends you can talk to about how you're feeling, even if you can't give them the details?

The instinct to keep things comfortable is an understandable one. But, I don't think it's fair to yourself to try and keep them comfortable at the expense of bottling up your own feelings. Right now, you're feeling weird and twisted about what happened, and you think they may ask to do the same thing again. In the long run, it's going to be better for all of if you don't try to pretend that you're totally fine with what happened. You may have already talked to them by the time you read this, but do you feel like you can say some of the things to them that you're telling us (like how this has you feeling like an object)?

When you say you want to have this figured out and done with in a few weeks, would does that look like to you?
AngelaQ
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Joined: Sat Nov 16, 2019 11:30 am
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Sexual identity and orientation: Just me
Location: Buena Park, cali

Re: I am all twisted right now.

Unread post by AngelaQ »

Well I found out the truth about everything but rght now I just I'm too talk about it. I got class in 3 minutes but maybe I'll explain everything later on tonight. I got used as what happened I just didn't realize it.
Sam W
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Re: I am all twisted right now.

Unread post by Sam W »

Oh, Angela, that sounds so stressful and upsetting. Whenever you're in a space to talk about it, we'll be here to offer what support or advice we can.
AngelaQ
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Joined: Sat Nov 16, 2019 11:30 am
Age: 19
Awesomeness Quotient: My love for kindness
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Sexual identity and orientation: Just me
Location: Buena Park, cali

Re: I am all twisted right now.

Unread post by AngelaQ »

I had a talk with the girlfriend of the group just to see why she left and I slowly slowly figured out what happened. She did nothing wrong and I did nothing wrong but the boys truly have an issue and I am done with them. I thought we had a friendship with the three of us but I am finding out differently. I am good friends with the girl so we we will be talking later after school. I had a gut feeling about all of this I just never said it on here. Not sure what my next step is but I'm done with those two boys and probably boys for good. Learn from your mistakes right? And I will be talking with the school counselor later and requesting tomorrow off.
And I am okay. I blame myself more than anybody right now. It would be nice if I could talk to my mom about this but that will never ever happen anyway I got to go
Heather
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Re: I am all twisted right now.

Unread post by Heather »

How are you doing today, Angela?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
AngelaQ
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Posts: 8
Joined: Sat Nov 16, 2019 11:30 am
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Sexual identity and orientation: Just me
Location: Buena Park, cali

Re: I am all twisted right now.

Unread post by AngelaQ »

I am doing okay thanks for asking. My boyfriend cheated on me is what the problem is and it's something that happened a month ago but I just now found out about it. With everything that just happened I really shouldn't be surprised.
Heather
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Re: I am all twisted right now.

Unread post by Heather »

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you already were feeling very exposed and vulnerable with what you first came in posting about and this on top of that has got to feel pretty awful.

Are you able to take extra care of yourself right now, and get some support from people like friends or family (which I recognize from your other post may be loaded or not the case)?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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