In one of my posts a few years back I mentioned I’ll have to have an arranged marriage - I’ve been considering my options and know now that I can say no, legally, but just in case I get caught up in a situation I can’t get out of, I’m afraid that my future husband may want to have sex with me immediately. In an arranged marriage, I wouldn’t have had enough time to get to know him enough to trust him enough to have sex with him by the time of marriage. It may be at most a few months from meeting him to marrying him. That’s one thing I’m really afraid of. I’ve heard stories online of women who had an arranged marriage and their husband forced them to have sex on the wedding night. I know most men are awesome, great men...but I’m really afraid I’ll get that tiny percentage of men who think that once they get married, they can have sex whenever they want. And especially if my dad chooses a husband who was brought up in India, since that kind of mentality is super common there.
There’s no more university time left until March of next year for me because of the country I’m in, so counselling won’t be accessible for me until then. When I get back next year, though, I do feel like I should try to get some. A lot of cultural boundaries have been placed on me that I think have contributed greatly to my fears, and I think I need to unpack all that.
My friend told me he liked me, he’s really nice but I’m worried he was just nice because he wanted to be with me. Since he told me that, and since I said no, he did make it very clear that it was totally fine if I wanted to stay friends. But since then, he’s only texted me three times (it’s been a few days). Before he told me that, he used to text me good morning and good night most days, text me whenever my active status on messenger was on, text me about random things, text me pictures of the food he was making and eating that day. He used to keep texting even if I didn’t reply. I felt suffocated by how much he was texting me. Now that he’s told me how he feels and now that I’ve said no, he’s stopped texting me so much. Although I’m glad there’s less texts coming through, there’s this new feeling within me of, ‘he was only texting me so much because he wanted to have sex with me’ which is a really scary feeling to me. It’s like, ‘now that he knows he has no chance of having a relationship with me, being nice to me and talking to me doesn’t matter anymore’. So although he said he was fine with just being friends, and his texts were really nice about accepting this, his actions seem to speak differently, but I don’t know. Well, initially when I told him no, he just sent a thumbs up emoji, so I thought he was mad. A little while later he sent a few texts saying it’s ok and that he just wanted to come clean. I told him I’m sorry that I can’t change how I feel, and he replied that I don’t need to be sorry that I can’t change how I feel. I said, I’m glad we’re on the same page now, and he just replied ‘Sure’. It’s only been two texts since then, both of them being replies instigated by something I texted him. He hasn’t initiated any conversation since then.
Ugh I don’t know how to feel. My emotions are all tangled up right now. :/
"It's lonely to be more powerful than any man you know, and have to live like a shadow. To be special, and have to pretend you're a fool."