Hooking up

Questions and discussion about your sexual lives, choices, activities, ideas and experiences.
kunook
newbie
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Dec 20, 2017 6:54 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: I'm really good at digital art!
My primary language: English
My pronouns: She/her they/them
My sexual identity and orientation: Pansexual
Location: Nevada

Hooking up

Unread postby kunook » Wed Dec 20, 2017 7:10 pm

So I've been talking to a guy the past few nights. He's apart of my friend group and I met him through the service dog community.
A few nights ago I posted in a 18+ handler/spoonie group how I just want to get laid before the new year. He messaged me and we started talking.
He's a fellow poly person who's girlfriend has been going through a rough time, so he's having a big dry spell.
We got a bit into more sexy talk and last night he brought up an idea:
Flying out to Maryland to spend New Year (which is also his birthday) with him. I'm in Nevada so Maryland is quite a ways away. We discussed this and he said he'd see if he could come out here with his uncle and brother since they visit Las Vegas for the new year. That idea sounded even better to me (I'm a homebody, I've only ever been to Nevada and California and that simply because we moved).
Fast forward to today and I'm worrying I'm jumping the gun a bit. I'm really bad about making realistic plans over ideal ones. But I'm also bad about making people feel bad or letting them down. I get extremely guilty and end up doing things that may not be best for me at that time. It doesn't mean I don't want to, trust me I do, but my mind does a lot of worrying and over thinking. Let's just say: the word "no" is hardly used by me.
I'm really wanting to talk to my mom, as she's who I discuss everything with (She helped me sneak my first sex toy in the house so my dad and brother didn't question me), but deep down I feel she'll get angry at me. I'm 18, it's not exactly like she can 100% stop me, but I also don't want to disappoint or upset her. In most cases, she's more a friend than a parent (unless she obviously has to put her foot down).
I'm just confused and thinking too much.

Heather
scarleteen founder & director
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Location: Chicago

Re: Hooking up

Unread postby Heather » Wed Dec 20, 2017 7:30 pm

You know, since this is really supposed to be casual -- which shouldn't involve you doing a lot of work to protect the other person from disappointment, for example, -- and fun for you, I'd say that if you're worrying this isn't right for you? Just ditch it. Seriously.

One big part of casual sex generally working out for people involves really trusting your instincts. Being able to say no without a lot of work is another biggie, so if you're not there yet, it may be that you need to work on that a little more first. Or, at least, maybe have some easier, less complex connections with people where you can get some practice in a more laid-back way, you know?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

kunook
newbie
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Dec 20, 2017 6:54 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: I'm really good at digital art!
My primary language: English
My pronouns: She/her they/them
My sexual identity and orientation: Pansexual
Location: Nevada

Re: Hooking up

Unread postby kunook » Wed Dec 20, 2017 8:10 pm

Yea you're right..
I tend to struggle knowing the difference between normal nerves and my anxiety disorder nerves since anxiety and nervousness are such a normal feeling to me. My typical response is "oh just push through it" since that's what I've always had to do.

Heather
scarleteen founder & director
Posts: 8344
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:43 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I know every word of The Lorax by heart.
My primary language: english
My pronouns: they/them
My sexual identity and orientation: queery-queer-queer
Location: Chicago

Re: Hooking up

Unread postby Heather » Wed Dec 20, 2017 8:52 pm

Thing is, this is -- it should be, anyway -- 100% optional. That's kind of the point. So if it doesn't feel all the way right, why do it? You don't have to push through optional things, and it really isn't wise to ignore your own instincts in this stuff.

I can see why you probably don't feel great about this, for one, but even if I couldn't, something you do feel much better about, maybe even a little down the road when "no" is easier and you have more practice? It'll probably come along. :)
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

rubyted
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 40
Joined: Tue Apr 11, 2017 3:27 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: I make a mean grilled cheese.
My primary language: English or ASL.
My pronouns: they/them.
My sexual identity and orientation: Queer.
Location: Vashon Island, Washington.

Re: Hooking up

Unread postby rubyted » Fri Dec 29, 2017 3:51 pm

Hi, Kunook! Thanks for visiting the boards. I agree with everything Heather is saying, and just wanted to mention that I relate to the feelings of deep guilt around telling someone no, changing my mind or changing plans, making someone unhappy, etc. Something I've been learning is that all ignoring my intuition gets me is a crummy time, because if I'm not authentically interested and comfortable with doing something, the other person can probably tell. Like Heather said, if it doesn't feel right, why do it? That being said, you're not alone in feeling anxiety around it - I do too.

There's a part in Be Your Own Superhero: Learning How and When to Stand Up for Ourselves that I really like, where you practice standing up for yourself and your choices through a script you come up with that prepares yourself for different responses - like the person you're talking to being unhappy. It helps me feel calmer when I'm confronted with that, instead of freaking out and changing back to try and make the person happy or "fix" the situation (when really, I've done nothing wrong and have made things harder on myself). Using tools like could help you find out what feels like the best way to communicate your feelings with this guy :)


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