Tl;dr: trying to...let's say sexting someone online, but for the second time in a row I've felt too anxious to continue and had to cancel. Its' frustrating me a lot, I have some identifiable patterns/reasons why but not the whole picture and I don't know what to do. It sounds pretty small-potatoes but "have pretendy characters do the thing in text" is honestly a big part of escapism in my life for me so yeah, this problem is upsetting me a lot. The wall of text as follows is because I want to sort this out but I also don't know a hundred percent how or what is wrong. Feel free to selectively read if that's your preference before responding.
I don't really know how to word this exactly since I'm in the midst of the anxietything right now but here goes I guess. I keep having feelings of anxiety when I'm trying to roleplay erotically(erp) in text to the point of weird abdominal sensations that sometimes seem to hit before the emotion itself does, today it kind of extended to jaw joint tingling/weird dizzy warmth in the head (It might have been something else). This is the second time I've had to stop with the same person before the anxiety got to the point I couldn't ignore it.
For backstory: the first time with this person there was some communication mishap, character A thought character B's statement about how they could 'carry'* something referred to a more literal 'in a wheelbarrow' sort of action so they agreed and character B proceeded to undress them. I tried to kinda...'push through'? The initial "oh accidental not-consensual undressing isn't my thing" feeling to essentially try and talk myself out of feeling anxious and 'make it okay' but it couldn't, it took a little into the scene for me to have to go "actually I got to stop here it isn't working for me" before any penetration started. It came out that yep, was feeling anxious, shit was awkward and the mood was ruined. Explained it wasn't their fault and they didn't accidentally pull me into a not-consensual scene, re-explained it the next day more coherently to which they expressed relief because they were worried that was the case. I felt pretty bad because I really don't want to make somebody feel like they accidentally went through with a not-so-consensual act you know? The person is a friend so I felt pretty bad that they had essentially had a day to themselves to feel like that was the case because I hadn't explained properly.
*I don't feel I can explain the specifics indepth of that asterisk without weirding out the boards just a bit honestly.
Today was a different thing, it was going fine but I had a lingering feeling of "don't screw this up, it has to go okay this time, don't anxiety-out and exit scene ohwait thinking that makes you feel self-trapped in the first place great now you feel stuck try to rationalize yourself out of feeling stuck" with more or less the same result. Said I needed five minutes earlier on into things as the physical sensation progressed to weird sensations inside my head to the point I thought "oh maybe its' mild anxiety but maybe I also feel sick, this one is new, maybe I better take a break". So we talk it out a bit and yeah, turns out its' probably just anxiety on its' own again I guess.
I'm just...really getting sick of this, I want to be able to go back to doing things and not worrying about "what if you force yourself to do it aha now you have to do it to prove it and now you feel trapped and anxious and not enjoying it by proxy". I hate it. I hate feeling like this, I feel like such an annoying pain in the ass inconvenience who can't even do basic things even when they want to. I hate feeling like "here's a new thing you're anxious about, best not talk about it with them ever because you probably can't even articulate it well also you'll ruin everything with your stupid irrational feelings you'll never escape and you'll make the feelings happen when you try to".
I want to fix this and I don't know how and I don't know what to do and I have did text scenes with them before and had everything go fine, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me nowadays. I don't know if this is related but we've shared pictures before and they look like an older dude, I have a kind of close age cap limit for irl-related things as older adults feel on a different level to me - the text erp is essentially done with pretend characters and no real person bleed-through so I'm not sure its' just "can't do it with older people at all" or another thing where I worry I'm going to mess up and/or feel anxious about it and not manage and then try to push through and then mess up by proxy.
I just...I really don't know what to do and I get it sounds dumb as hell because "it's text, pretty easy to go "oh not feeling it today" and cancel out" but this is ruining something I should be enjoying. And I don't know if that's me putting the word should there or past experiences colouring a sense of 'feel obligated to do it' or what but I just really want this shit fixed so I can go back to normal. I hate this stupid problem that shouldn't exist interrupting a base level of escapism in my life that's supposed to be about not feeling and worrying about things. I don't know what to do. I get nervous at dumb things like asking what I think of them when I'm drunk because "ohshit they expect honesty what if I secretely have a negative opinion and anxious up and can't express it", I'll sometimes note small stuff like 'discussing how a scene would go' eg if one of their suggestions doesn't look 100% consensual for the characters and I feel I have to correct it to something else. I dunno if I really want to educate in a friend/personal capacity in that area, y'know?
In case backstory is relevant and may shed light on the problem: I've had fun doing sexual text rp over the years but I've also had bad experiences, as a teenager a pedo tried emotionally abusing me and having their character attempt to rape mine more than once (And say things like it was 'rough love' and that it was totally k because an older cousin tried to do it to him when he was younger or something and he liked it?), an 18 year old ex had a scene lead up to my character being raped when I was 15 without clearing that with me before-hand, an older friend joked about...something to do with me, him and the ex and double penetration 'while you scream' and it persisted for way too long before it became obvious I was uncomfortable then he felt bad. The emotionally-abusive ex friend would kind of...not do things I was into because 'x is unrealistic' but then push for things/tropes he wanted as 'realistic', since my pool of who I scened with at the time was smaller I kind of went with it but it was one-sided at times and not all that great. (He's upgraded himself to stalker and sent a sexually-harassing anon message to a different blog since then so yeah, putting him in this paragraph for a reason)
On the less severe side of things there's times with other people where I just kind of did the online equivalent of 'lie back and think of England' because "well x is nice and not a dick or a creep or whatever and also a friend and I like XYZ so why shouldn't I be down for this really" to the point sometimes I just flat-out would not realize my own disinterest. Like literally would not and even a time I kept trying to get back to a scene and not realizing why I'd not feel motivated enough to push past a headache or a cold whereas if I was motivated enough I might be able to. Or if they gave me a ping I'd go 'sure' and we'd just...organically wind up not scening together because I wasn't motivated because the person was nice but I just didn't feel it. One time I even practiced writing out a 'sorry not not feeling it' without hitting send to tell myself I could just say no if I wanted and that if I took them up on it everything would be fine. (That one turned to another slow-fade so nothing happened)
I've also did the "wait until things come too close to looking nonconsensual in the context of the scene" with another person, cancelled before it got to that point being completed thankfully but remember thinking it was a bit frustrating that "I want to roleplay a combative pouty character but not that". It sucked and I keep feeling bad firstly because of how I feel in the moment but...maybe chiefly because of the other person? I don't want them to feel like they accidentally did a not so consensual thing and that eats at me a lot. I've had fears of "what if you hurt another person" before, the idea of putting that feeling into someone else makes me feel horrible.