hello,
i posted before on this site to get some guidance around my sexual identity, and i'm pretty confident and happy in saying i'm a lesbian now.
however, i think i'm soon going to make a very non-lesbian and bad decision. i'm at uni and everyone around me is having a great time having sex and experimenting, and i'm getting so sick of having zero sexual experience. its very hard to find gay girls and i dont want to feel like a predator on the hunt for one so i can get my rocks off. but i really want to enjoy experimenting as well and see what sex is like.
on the other hand...it is incredibly easy to find guys for a hook up. i get propositioned everytime i go to the club, and i've got one of these guys' number and it's tempting to just ask him round mine so i can lose my virginity.
i think i'm quite a sexual person, i have a lot of fantasies and i really enjoy masturbation. so i just really want to know what sex is like. that bad.
it was very easy to admit i like girls but it is still tough to admit that i don't like guys. i think comphet had me good and i desired sex with men for a while, so this kind of idea doesn't feel too far-fetched for me. but just thinking about actually going through with it makes me feel anxious. i know that i won't enjoy it and i'll go on a big spiral of regret, shame and self-loathing afterwards, but i'm getting to the point where i'm telling myself to just do it so i can say ive "done it".
and i dont mean so i can tell others ive done it (trust me, i think my friends would be a bit confused if i told them them this a few months after me coming out as a lesbian lmao - this would stay a secret). for me its not a shame thing, i have no problem admitting im a virgin to others at all, but sex is such a big thing and i just want to finally be able to relate and understand.
my ideal would be to find a lovely girl that i fall in love with and then have sex with, because i personally want sex to be meaningful (and it would only mean something with girls for me). but that ideal isnt looking likely anytime soon and im feeling desperate.
i'm honestly sure that i'm posting this here just so someone can convince me not to do it. i get that i need to be patient and optimistic but even though i'm happy i've come to a conclusion with my sexual identity, i'm now feeling very isolated as a lesbian and it's frustrating.
...and now i feel like a bad fake lesbian since i shouldn't be including men at all in my sexuality (there's a voice at the back of my head saying that it's so hard to admit i don't like guys that i need to force myself to have traumatising sex with one so i can really be sure of it and call myself a lesbian).