Hello, and welcome to Scarleteen! First off, I want to let you know that this is definitely the sort of thing we're here to help you with on the boards, so you're in the right place. I'm sorry to hear that you've been having a bad time of it over the past few years, regarding masturbation and sexual activity in general.
AltAcct4Help wrote: ↑Mon Aug 30, 2021 8:23 pm and very quickly became addicted to it, to the point where thinking about anything else took genuine effort. All I wanted to do day in and day out was seek another climax, and I soon began to hate myself for it.
I understand that you had a lot of negative feelings around being "addicted" to masturbation. Could you talk a bit more about these feelings? Was it guilt, or shame, or a feeling of loss of control and frustration that you couldn't get anything else done, or a combination of all four, or something else? You said you were 13 at the time, and had just discovered masturbation. I want to let you know that it's quite common for folks that young who are new to sexual pleasure to want to masturbate all the time: a desire that usually loses its intensity as they grow older and the novelty of it wears off, even though they may still enjoy it greatly. Overall though, sexual shame or sex-negativity, if it isn't emanating from some sort of trauma, is a product of patriarchal and sex-phobic social conditioning--you're not morally flawed for enjoying masturbation. You could have a look at this article for more detail:
Undoing Sexual Shame.
AltAcct4Help wrote: ↑Mon Aug 30, 2021 8:23 pmWith puberty hitting harder than ever, I have been more and more tempted
Could you clarify this statement, please? Did you mean that puberty is causing you to want to masturbate, or did you mean that you're feeling like you should start getting sexual, because that's what people going through puberty are assumed to be doing?
AltAcct4Help wrote: ↑Mon Aug 30, 2021 8:23 pm
I keep hearing that abstaining for so long at my age is not healthy, and if my hunch about my failed relationships is correct, then becoming more sexually active is something I should be doing. I believe that I have lost multiple opportunities to relationships because of my focus on commitment and romance over sex.
Abstaining for whatever length of time is perfectly healthy, at any age. It's absolutely fine if you don't want to have sex, for any reason, and at any point in your life, something that this article discusses:
Don't Want to Have Sex?. That article also has a lot of links to related articles near the end, because this is one of the most common themes in our discussions with users; you're not alone, by any means. You shouldn't have to get sexually active and trigger your discomfort with sex to be in a happy romantic relationship, but for that to happen, you need to tell your potential partner in no uncertain terms about your discomfort with sex, and make sure that they're fully aware of and accepting of the fact that there will be no sex in the relationship. Did you communicate this to the girls you liked before you got together with them? If yes, how did they respond?
AltAcct4Help wrote: ↑Mon Aug 30, 2021 8:23 pm
I have discovered some admittedly minor kinks that I have that I can't help but consider myself a degenerate (I dislike using that word, but I use it for lack of a better one) for having, and I feel that going back now would waste all the effort I've put in over the past three years.
Let's unpack this. Kink is not a moral issue for us here at Scarleteen, which is a kink-positive space. Your sexuality and sexual desires are not a sign of degeneracy. There are healthy, joyous, and completely safe ways to indulge in kink, both solo and with other, consenting people. This article could be useful in that regard:
Working the Kinks Out. You said that it makes you "sick to your stomach" to consider masturbating, but you aren't sex-repulsed, which means that it makes you anxious to think about sex. What are you afraid will happen if you "go back", thereby "wasting all the effort"?
This may be a lot of information, so please feel free to take your time going through it and responding.