i have a bit of a complicated past when it comes to sexuality and i've always struggled with huge amounts of shame concerning my sexuality. however for the first time in my life i'm with a partner who i trust and i feel loved and i've started truly feeling comfortable and confident in myself and my sexuality, and i've had a pretty high sex drive because of it, because, i mean, sexting with my partner rules. it makes me happy. we flirt constantly and we talk about sexual things a lot and it's nice, it's fun. but lately they have not had as high of a sex drive as me and whenever they are not horny when i am, i get extremely timid and my brain immediately reverts back to feeling ashamed, sometimes to the point where i get really emotional and cry. i don't know how to control these emotions. i know that it is not wrong for me to feel horny, i know that nothing is perfect and it's okay that we will feel different things at different times. this is okay. and of course i know i dont need their approval or their permission to touch myself, but it's just not as fun without them, and having their assurance helps with the shame a lot. and i just, feel awkward about telling them "i'm gonna go jerk off now" or whatever, it feels... wrong, i feel like somehow i'm disrespecting them by having a high libido. and whenever situations like this arise i clam up, and end up not being able to pleasure myself properly anyways, with the anxiety and the shame stuck in my mind, and i am left feeling weird after.
i don't even know if any advice can help me but i guess i mostly just need to get this off my chest. i will talk to them about it, too, but i need time to clear and organize my head about it first, because i DON'T want to come across as complaining about them not being horny enough. i don't wanna make them feel guilty or pressured. never. they have every right in the world to say no to me, at any time, for any reason. and i respect that. and it's especially hard for me because i have had bad experiences in the past where people made me feel pressured for not having a high enough libido for them so i always feel like i'm turning into a monster when things like this arise. i inherently have negative associations with one-sided horniness so i feel like a bad person whenever i am horny and my partner is not. i feel sick or evil and like somehow i will hurt them as i have been hurt in the past. i just don't want to make them uncomfortable. i love them. i want to find a way to balance my desires with theirs.
i am certain this will work out eventually, but for now i'm left sometimes feeling a little nervous and ashamed for my high libido and i have difficulty curbing those feelings. anyway thanks in advance for reading! i am new to this forum but seeing other people on here talk about problems that i've had has made me feel a lot more normal and human so maybe sharing can help someone else if not me, idk.