Hey so as the title implies I wanna feel (more) sexy!
Like have confidence in my personal sense of sexual appeal if that makes sense?
Anyway, lately I've been online and looking through social media apps. When I see big influencers (and yes quite a few of them are cis[het] men) I think I want to look like them. In reality I want to feel sexually confident like they do. Yeah, I'll admit I can experience envy toward them and even trigger my dysphoria looking at these guys. Once I branched out and found more guys and transmasc folks who look closer to my body and life experience I realize I just want That kind of attention. Like the girls that fawn over these dudes and say they're handsome or hot...I want that at times.
Now, yes, I am in a relationship and almost attributed it to like "I want my partner to react to me the way these girls do in the comments on these guys' posts" but I also don't want to rely on my partner (or anyone for that matter) for that. I reframed my thinking a bit. Like yes, I do want my partner to find me sexually attractive but I want to be sexually confident with or without my partner.
So to help dysphoria and my own sense of sex appeal, I personally feel is silly for doing this (and logically know it isn't a realistic standard), I've started packing again. The thing is though I'm using a much larger packer I have because the size (7 in) feels "more attractive" or "more masculine". Lately, I've been feeling extremely dysphoric about my thighs and hips so I feel like that "compensates" for lack of a better term. So I tried taking up packing around the house when no one was home or awake for about the last week or two.
I would wear grey sweatpants so I could see a "print" but it felt kind of embarrassing and silly. Like ideally if I were to go out like this I would want a notable print but not look like I have a boner. So it all felt really awkward. It's like I want girls and other genders (specifically femmes which is most likely cisheteronormative bullshit) to stare and think I'm hot.
Note: My partner and I talked this out but I know it's still affecting me to some degree unfortunately.
I tried packing in front of my partner over a video chat and a couple of nights ago they were laughing during some of it. They weren't laughing at me but I internalized it like that because I was still so frustrated about where to position my packer and it felt so embarrassing that I took it off. When we talked about it later they did confirm they really did like it, they just thought it was funny and cute how flustered I was. They said they would be more clear about their reactions next time.
Butstill because I'm so awkward with packing with this thing I haven't touched it! Another thing I've started doing is recording videos in response to these other guys (sort of like a react mode but instead you can do your own thing on your end). I'll copy the dances they're doing, my shirt will be off and I'll have fixed my hair, I'm wearing jewelry. I'm making faces and doing things that people say would make someone look like a fuckboy. Or I'll just smile because I like my smile and I like how my face looks because my facial hair is filling in more evenly and at the right angles you can actually see it instead of it looking like a shadow like people have said to me before.
I'm doing these little things and they kind of help but sometimes I recognize that I crave that external validation and want to make something and post it. But I also get that fear of "this is attention seeking", "you shouldn't be going to others for external validation like this" and like "you have a partner so you should be fine". I hope the last one makes sense because a part of me does feel a bit weird feeling as though I "need" sexual attention from girls and femme people that I'm not even dating.
What else can I do to feel more sexually attractive/comfy in my body? Especially as a transmasc person/trans guy who still struggles with their body in and out of dysphoria? It's been rough and I would really appreciate the extra tips. Anyway thanks for reading!