Hi!! I feel like I'm starting to become a regular on these message boards but if I'm being honest, I guess I just have a lot of issues regarding sex lmao.
I was here in the past discussing an issue getting aroused/feeling pleasure. I ended up just taking a break from trying to be sexual with my boyfriend, and after a little while, it came back like it was never even gone! I do still have a hard time getting aroused, but it does happen as long as I don't force it or think about it too much.
Because of that, things have been going great with my boyfriend (sexually) and he happily fingers me and although I have yet to reach climax, I do really enjoy it. He asked me how I felt about sex, and honestly I was ready. I started birth control, he got condoms. All good to go.
And then he tried to push it in.
Oh my god, that was the most unbearable pain I have felt in a long time. I pushed him away immediately. He said maybe a quarter of the TIP went in. Thats it. Not only that but my vagina ached a little bit afterwards. It was awful.
Now I do wanna note that I have awful anxiety, so it did take a few tries for him to even get to go in, as my legs instinctively would push him away.
I deduced that it was probably the lack of lubrication. And so I bought us a lube (with your guy's help!). But today, we went to try again and we didn't even end up needing it. Not because everything worked out, but because I couldn't relax my muscles enough to even give him an opening in there out of anxiety. I'd tense up every time he even got close and reflexively would push him away. I was still turned on so he asked if I wanted him to finger me, to which I said yes. He fingered me and it hurt?? Which it never does so I asked him to stop after trying to wait for the pain to go away. He suggested that when I went home, I should try to touch myself. (Which I never do, I have never enjoyed masturbation sadly.)
So I watched a few videos on pornhub (couldn't find anything I was into, but I fantasized a little bit so that I could get turned on), I slipped some lube on my finger and I went in.
Now I'm just so freaked out because it was sooo tight in there. Like I had one finger in and that finger was being hugged tightly. There was also a really sudden curve not too far in that I didn't understand. Like, how does a penis fit in there if theres a curve like that? Does the penis curve? How is it ever going to fit in there?
I'm just so scared that I'm never going to be able to have sex. I had all these issues with getting aroused in the first place (and still sometimes have those issues), and now that thats finally over, I can't even have sex with my boyfriend whom I love very much! I know a lot of it is anxiety, but how am I to get over that anxiety? Its just so incredibly stressful, and I feel bad for constantly getting my boyfriend excited and then being like "nevermind". (Like obviously hes great about it, but I can tell that hes disappointed)